Letting go when someone cuts you off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Some say a word is dead when it is said. I say it just begins to live that day." Emily Dickinson.

Some things can never be undone and are relationship-ending forever. It sounds as though you did accuse her son, your step brother, of being a pedophile. That would be relationship ending for me.

Does it sound like that? Even though the OP specifically said that wasn't the case, both here and to her stepmother? There are lots of reasons you wouldn't want a person with various mental illnesses around your child, pedophilia isn't the only issue.

[Anonymous]

Op should never have made this an issue when her stepmother was sick. Of course you don't ask or expect a sick family member to make sure that a child is not around another family member. If that is concern then YOU need to handle it.

[Anonymous]

what if the step brother actually is a pedophile?

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't stir the shitpot like this and expect something not to slosh on you even a tiny bit. Stand down.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are doing right by your son. Your stepmother must realize her son has issues, and the pedophile thing is a deflection onto something she knows is not true. You have done what you can. If you've emailed her an apology, since she won't get on the phone, then let it be for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

Having a son or daughter with a mental illness is not a "failure"

[Anonymous]

OP-I am made to be a villain in my family because my divorced dad has been accused of touching women (multiple) inappropriately and as a result I will not allow either of my kids to be around him alone. Many people in my family and my husband's family tell me think that I am overreacting . I've realized that I couldn't live with myself if something happened with my kids and my dad and it's a much lesser consequence than being villianized by certain members of the family for overreacting. If you great up with mental abuse which I am guessing you did, it's easy to think you are in the wrong qhen you've done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

^^^grew up not great up above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-I am made to be a villain in my family because my divorced dad has been accused of touching women (multiple) inappropriately and as a result I will not allow either of my kids to be around him alone. Many people in my family and my husband's family tell me think that I am overreacting . I've realized that I couldn't live with myself if something happened with my kids and my dad and it's a much lesser consequence than being villianized by certain members of the family for overreacting. If you great up with mental abuse which I am guessing you did, it's easy to think you are in the wrong qhen you've done nothing wrong.

Good for you. You are a parent of rare competence and courage. In another life, I was a nurse and, in most cases of child sexual abuse, there were massive clues that a lot of people in the family turned a blind eye to because ostracizing the molester is "awkward." The kind of person who gropes adults may very well molest children left vulnerable to him because the tendency to force unwanted sexual attention on those who appear vulnerable is the common theme there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

Having a son or daughter with a mental illness is not a "failure"

Turning a blind eye to drug use and escalating behavior, and failing to get a child early and proper treatment for mental issues, is a failure of the worst kind.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to let it go. She's asked you not to contact her. Don't.
Her son sounds like a disaster, and I don't think I'd think differently if it was my son being around him. However, she has a right to her feelings, and you need to respect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-I am made to be a villain in my family because my divorced dad has been accused of touching women (multiple) inappropriately and as a result I will not allow either of my kids to be around him alone. Many people in my family and my husband's family tell me think that I am overreacting . I've realized that I couldn't live with myself if something happened with my kids and my dad and it's a much lesser consequence than being villianized by certain members of the family for overreacting. If you great up with mental abuse which I am guessing you did, it's easy to think you are in the wrong qhen you've done nothing wrong.

While it may be sad, you are a great mom. Thank you for standing your ground. So many parents don't. Your dad and stepmom/step brother sound very disfunctional. It's probably for the best to keep your son away and leave them to their own devices. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all of the feedback. My concerns with my stepbrother are not necessary centered on sexual abuse. (although it's not outside of the realm of possibility) My main concern is his mental health/anger/threats that he's made in the past. (According to my dad, that is, as my stepmother doesn't talk about it with me.)

I agree that I need to let this go. It just makes me sad to think that my relationship with her might be over at this point. Maybe time will heal it, but I have my doubts.

[Anonymous]

How old is your stepbrother?

Just curious, it sounds like you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

Having a son or daughter with a mental illness is not a "failure"

Turning a blind eye to drug use and escalating behavior, and failing to get a child early and proper treatment for mental issues, is a failure of the worst kind.

+1 You got that right.