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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I sympathize with your intentions but you did make a few mistakes that did exacerbate your problems.

First, although you had good intentions planning a visit when your stepmother was ill, knowing your father's issues and your stepbrother's issues, when the work conflict came up, you should have canceled and rescheduled instead of planning to allow your son to go alone to visit this branch of the family.  In general, I agree with your thoughts that your child should not be sent alone to be with your father or step-brother, so I would have canceled the visit entirely and just rescheduled as soon as possible.

Second, when you did cancel your visit and/or your son's visit, you needed to be more diplomatic.  As a mother yourself, you know how protective you are about your own son.  You should know that your stepmother is going to be likewise protective and defensive about her son.  Even if you aren't accusing him of being a pedophile, you are accusing him of being violent and abusive and unless she's already shown signs of admitting that he has a problem, she's in denial and will not want to admit that her son could be violent and abusive.  You should not have brought her son into the discussion.  That mistake is the one that is costing you a relationship with your stepmother and will take her a long time until she can come to terms with  her own situation, her health and her son's behavior, before she can reconsider your relationship with her.  It's in her court how and when she's willing to revisit your relationship and right now she has health issues she needs to address for herself, so it may take time.  You've made your apologies and your advances to her and she's aware of them.  Now give her the space she needs to deal with her own issues and to come to terms with  her own situation.  It's now up to her to contact you if she ever can come to a point of accepting you into her life again.

As for your relationship with your father, I would try to continue in a more discreet and indirect way.  As you can see from the comment that he accuses her of taking his grandson away, this issue is also causing stress in her marriage which only exacerbates the issues for her.  So, I would try to schedule a visit to their town, but stay in a hotel a little ways away from their home (far enough away that you would not likely encounter her in a chance meeting, say at a coffee shop, supermarket, etc).  Tell your father when you are visiting and that you'll have loose plans for the trip and are happy to meet him for lunch or dinner or have him accompany you and your son anywhere he likes.  If he wants some alone time with your son, just say you'll be glad to work out something (like maybe grandpa can take grandson to a park, playground, children's museum or even just lunch).   If grandpa wants your son to visit in their home, offer that your husband can take your son to their home and you go and do something by yourself so that grandson can visit their home without you there causing reopening of the wounds between you and stepmother.  Be flexible.  This half-way compromise might go a long ways to healing the rift.  First that you make your son available to them as grandparents (while still easing your own concerns by having your husband there) and second that you are willing to continue your relationship with your dad while still observing and honoring her boundaries.

Good luck.  You have a difficult situation.[/quote]

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