Minority women who struggle with dating...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

One girl came across as too serious and harsh when she was younger and when I knew her, did not make much effort to date. She did not work out much either and is not nearly as well groomed and dressed as she is today. She was also very competitive with men. I recall she treated her male colleagues as competition rather than potential love interests..

OP you have described me to a T . Im Indian - a huge commitment phobe, absolutely focused on my studies and career in my twenties and early thirties. In my early thirties i woke up (I always wanted to have children) and looked around and found that the men I was attracted to did not give me the time of the day - for all the reasons you mentioned.

I went back to the drawing board, worked on softening my personality, toning down the competitive edge and being (ggahh) girly and sweet and of course spent a small fortune on beauty and fashion. It worked (well sort of - one broken engagement that i got cold feet on) and I got married at 37 to a colleague of mine.

Yep.

It is amazing how much a soft spoken, sweet, decently attractive woman is to a guy. The girls who get snagged up early know this. Just be soft and sweet and maternal. Doesn't matter if you are 27 or 37.

I disagree. I'm not soft and sweet and definitely wasn't maternal in the least when I met my future husband at age 27. Why not just be yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women are PICKY. I've seen this a million times.

+1 - and that applies pretty universally to high achieving urban woman of all ethnicities. When you talk about women from the countries listed by the OP, particularly South Asia, they are often highly constrained by super-conservative/reactionary family expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another problem for westernized minority women is that westernized minority men usually date white women.

Successful minority woman here and this is has not been an issue for me. Full disclosure, I'm one of those few women who are very successful but still love fashion and beauty. Yes, I've had men in different racial groups including white men ask me on a date. I'm only attracted to black men, actually only West or Central African men, and that's my problem. I'm picky and I need to stop and just open up myself to various options. I'm a working progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another problem for westernized minority women is that westernized minority men usually date white women.

Successful minority woman here and this is has not been an issue for me. Full disclosure, I'm one of those few women who are very successful but still love fashion and beauty. Yes, I've had men in different racial groups including white men ask me on a date. I'm only attracted to black men, actually only West or Central African men, and that's my problem. I'm picky and I need to stop and just open up myself to various options. I'm a working progress.

What's that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women are PICKY. I've seen this a million times.

+1 - and that applies pretty universally to high achieving urban woman of all ethnicities. When you talk about women from the countries listed by the OP, particularly South Asia, they are often highly constrained by super-conservative/reactionary family expectations.

+2

My college educated, single minority friends are picky about stupid, superficial sh!t that you need to let go of when you are pushing 40.

They also want stuff that they do not offer. To be blunt (or crass), they want someone out of their league.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women are PICKY. I've seen this a million times.

+1 - and that applies pretty universally to high achieving urban woman of all ethnicities. When you talk about women from the countries listed by the OP, particularly South Asia, they are often highly constrained by super-conservative/reactionary family expectations.

+2

My college educated, single minority friends are picky about stupid, superficial sh!t that you need to let go of when you are pushing 40.

They also want stuff that they do not offer. To be blunt (or crass), they want someone out of their league.

I think "too picky" or "refuse to settle" is the nice spin put on commitment-phobic women - people are happy to trash men who avoid commitment, saying things like "they refuse to grow up", but there are just as many women like this and it always gets spun as 'why do I have to settle'...guess what? everybody settles. I do agree with one of the original responses: you only "have to" settle if you actually want to get married or paired off...and there is not a thing wrong with not wanting to be paired off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women are PICKY. I've seen this a million times.

+1 - and that applies pretty universally to high achieving urban woman of all ethnicities. When you talk about women from the countries listed by the OP, particularly South Asia, they are often highly constrained by super-conservative/reactionary family expectations.

+2

My college educated, single minority friends are picky about stupid, superficial sh!t that you need to let go of when you are pushing 40.

They also want stuff that they do not offer. To be blunt (or crass), they want someone out of their league.

I think "too picky" or "refuse to settle" is the nice spin put on commitment-phobic women - people are happy to trash men who avoid commitment, saying things like "they refuse to grow up", but there are just as many women like this and it always gets spun as 'why do I have to settle'...guess what? everybody settles. I do agree with one of the original responses: you only "have to" settle if you actually want to get married or paired off...and there is not a thing wrong with not wanting to be paired off.

Yes but in South Asia they truly are super picky. For most it's all about MONEY.

[Anonymous]

These women sound more like disposables than relationship prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

(Shhh... It's because they're not blonde and/or white.)

No, it's actually probably because they're not willing to date white men, yet are too American to date men of their own cultures. I bet your acquaintances are all second generation women.

The vast majority of successful men in this country are white and those who aren't white are immigrant men. American men of color simply don't do well in large numbers and if they form the majority of a woman's options, she will end up either alone or married to something that should be discarded.

Virtually all first generation Nigerian women I know -- myself included -- are happily married at young ages. But we are all married either to fellow first generation Nigerian men or to white men. I married a Jewish man at 26. My sister married an ultra white bread Kansas-raised white man at 29. My cousins are all married to Nigerian men. The only divorced woman in my circle is the second generation Nigerian who married an African American man. He was actually well educated, but was unfaithful and more into clubbing than building a family. Most African American men simply don't have good family values because they weren't raised with them.

[Anonymous]

Lol. OP was trying to troll, but got thoughtful responses instead. Bummer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

(Shhh... It's because they're not blonde and/or white.)

No, it's actually probably because they're not willing to date white men, yet are too American to date men of their own cultures. I bet your acquaintances are all second generation women.

The vast majority of successful men in this country are white and those who aren't white are immigrant men. American men of color simply don't do well in large numbers and if they form the majority of a woman's options, she will end up either alone or married to something that should be discarded.

Virtually all first generation Nigerian women I know -- myself included -- are happily married at young ages. But we are all married either to fellow first generation Nigerian men or to white men. I married a Jewish man at 26. My sister married an ultra white bread Kansas-raised white man at 29. My cousins are all married to Nigerian men. The only divorced woman in my circle is the second generation Nigerian who married an African American man. He was actually well educated, but was unfaithful and more into clubbing than building a family. Most African American men simply don't have good family values because they weren't raised with them.

You do know Nigerian men are notorious for cheating on their spouses, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

(Shhh... It's because they're not blonde and/or white.)

No, it's actually probably because they're not willing to date white men, yet are too American to date men of their own cultures. I bet your acquaintances are all second generation women.

The vast majority of successful men in this country are white and those who aren't white are immigrant men. American men of color simply don't do well in large numbers and if they form the majority of a woman's options, she will end up either alone or married to something that should be discarded.

Virtually all first generation Nigerian women I know -- myself included -- are happily married at young ages. But we are all married either to fellow first generation Nigerian men or to white men. I married a Jewish man at 26. My sister married an ultra white bread Kansas-raised white man at 29. My cousins are all married to Nigerian men. The only divorced woman in my circle is the second generation Nigerian who married an African American man. He was actually well educated, but was unfaithful and more into clubbing than building a family. Most African American men simply don't have good family values because they weren't raised with them.

You do know Nigerian men are notorious for cheating on their spouses, right?

You sound like an AA insulted by PP's candor. She isn't lying. The stats on AA men and marriage are dismal. There was even a study confirming they are the most likely to cheat. Taking shots at more successful communities doesn't fix the cracks in yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

(Shhh... It's because they're not blonde and/or white.)

No, it's actually probably because they're not willing to date white men, yet are too American to date men of their own cultures. I bet your acquaintances are all second generation women.

The vast majority of successful men in this country are white and those who aren't white are immigrant men. American men of color simply don't do well in large numbers and if they form the majority of a woman's options, she will end up either alone or married to something that should be discarded.

Virtually all first generation Nigerian women I know -- myself included -- are happily married at young ages. But we are all married either to fellow first generation Nigerian men or to white men. I married a Jewish man at 26. My sister married an ultra white bread Kansas-raised white man at 29. My cousins are all married to Nigerian men. The only divorced woman in my circle is the second generation Nigerian who married an African American man. He was actually well educated, but was unfaithful and more into clubbing than building a family. Most African American men simply don't have good family values because they weren't raised with them.

You do know Nigerian men are notorious for cheating on their spouses, right?

You sound like an AA insulted by PP's candor. She isn't lying. The stats on AA men and marriage are dismal. There was even a study confirming they are the most likely to cheat. Taking shots at more successful communities doesn't fix the cracks in yours.

PP isn't lying either, Nigerian men are known for being unapologetically unfaithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

(Shhh... It's because they're not blonde and/or white.)

No, it's actually probably because they're not willing to date white men, yet are too American to date men of their own cultures. I bet your acquaintances are all second generation women.

The vast majority of successful men in this country are white and those who aren't white are immigrant men. American men of color simply don't do well in large numbers and if they form the majority of a woman's options, she will end up either alone or married to something that should be discarded.

Virtually all first generation Nigerian women I know -- myself included -- are happily married at young ages. But we are all married either to fellow first generation Nigerian men or to white men. I married a Jewish man at 26. My sister married an ultra white bread Kansas-raised white man at 29. My cousins are all married to Nigerian men. The only divorced woman in my circle is the second generation Nigerian who married an African American man. He was actually well educated, but was unfaithful and more into clubbing than building a family. Most African American men simply don't have good family values because they weren't raised with them.

You do know Nigerian men are notorious for cheating on their spouses, right?

You sound like an AA insulted by PP's candor. She isn't lying. The stats on AA men and marriage are dismal. There was even a study confirming they are the most likely to cheat. Taking shots at more successful communities doesn't fix the cracks in yours.

PP isn't lying either, Nigerian men are known for being unapologetically unfaithful.

Faithful or not, the African men I see around are devoted to their families and work hard for them. The AA men not so much.

Infidelity is a common problem in marriage, but when you're also dealing with someone who doesn't work hard, is a poor parent, and has no concept of family, there's nothing to hold together.

I think this is what is plaguing AA communities whereas I don't think anyone can dispute that African communities are strong.

[Anonymous]

A history of slavery has something to do with AA men's failings. It's not all personal choice. Getting back on topic, I think it is true that Americanized minority women who limit themselves to Americanized minority men are going to run into the same problems AA women do: slim pickings.