Minority women who struggle with dating...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is Wash DC.

I am convinced of this. So many great women are single. I think the men in DC are too picky.

Im from NYC and I know several dynamic, beautifu single women of all ethnicities. I think the problem in NY and DC is the population. My friends can have a great date with a guy on Tuesday and be gushing only to find out he had dates Thursday and Friday. Its really competitive.

[Anonymous]

The women are PICKY. I've seen this a million times.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in this situation. I was an African-American MD, had finished residency, was working in DC and finally ready to end the string of dead end relationships. I basically turned my love life into a job of sorts.

First, I got very, very clear on my needs. It wasn't a long list, but I distilled it down into five crucial things. Second, I dated everybody. I went on dates with all sorts of dudes. White guys, Indian guys, black dudes, Latin guys, even the occasional gay guy (well that was once but we're friends now). I went out and had fun and tried to enjoy getting to meet different kinds of people. I threw out the notion of what I thought things should look like and began looking at the people sitting across from me as real people who I could enjoy their company. I also slept with guys way, way less than I had before. I drew a line and basically made it clear unless it was monogamous, sex wasn't happening. That sent a bunch of guys running, but I think it was the right thing because if that's all it took...whew.

Anyway, I eventually (after about a year and half of this) met a great guy who I dated for a year before getting engaged. He' a teacher and white and probably not what I initially envisioned for my life, but 10 years of marriage, two kids, and a lot of life later, I absolutely adore the guy.

So, like anything, it really depends on the person. Yes, I think dating was more difficult for me in some ways. But I think it's less about the ease of dating and more about getting to know people and getting out there and letting go of what you think you want and seeing what's out there. It could be even better. It was for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

OP, you didn't say anything about their personalities. Everything you listed is temporary and can change very quickly. This goes for all women...not just minorities. It's interesting that you are "baffled" that they are still single when you only seem to know them by their exterior, superficial features.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. High maintenance is my guess, too. However, it's also a shame when a woman can't find a man because there just aren't any, in her community, that are at her career level. This is actually an issue nationwide, as women are now out striding men in terms of college graduation and employment rates.

Plus, I'm going out on a limb here and saying most guys aren't looking for a woman who matches or eclipses them professionally.

This could be the case, since many men--especially from some cultures--will have pretty traditional attitudes about being the breadwinner, etc. I attended an HBCU, and many of my classmates have been very successful over the years. Several are lawyers, one has a Ph.D., etc. Nonetheless, only two of us are married, and we are all late 30s. Several live in the DC area. Just not enough eligible men of color to go around, IMO.

The men of color that you are looking for (professional, lawyers, Ph.D.s, etc.) have opened up their range of dating options and many aren't looking exclusively for african american women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know at least 4 minority women in my professional circle who I am so baffled are still single. 2 are Indian, 1 Pakistani and 1 Nigerian. They are all so stunningly beautiful with yoga and barre toned bodies, illustrious fancy careers and great fashion sense. Do minority women who are successful struggle more with dating?

OP, you didn't say anything about their personalities. Everything you listed is temporary and can change very quickly. This goes for all women...not just minorities. It's interesting that you are "baffled" that they are still single when you only seem to know them by their exterior, superficial features.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in this situation. I was an African-American MD, had finished residency, was working in DC and finally ready to end the string of dead end relationships. I basically turned my love life into a job of sorts.

First, I got very, very clear on my needs. It wasn't a long list, but I distilled it down into five crucial things. Second, I dated everybody. I went on dates with all sorts of dudes. White guys, Indian guys, black dudes, Latin guys, even the occasional gay guy (well that was once but we're friends now). I went out and had fun and tried to enjoy getting to meet different kinds of people. I threw out the notion of what I thought things should look like and began looking at the people sitting across from me as real people who I could enjoy their company. I also slept with guys way, way less than I had before. I drew a line and basically made it clear unless it was monogamous, sex wasn't happening. That sent a bunch of guys running, but I think it was the right thing because if that's all it took...whew.

Anyway, I eventually (after about a year and half of this) met a great guy who I dated for a year before getting engaged. He' a teacher and white and probably not what I initially envisioned for my life, but 10 years of marriage, two kids, and a lot of life later, I absolutely adore the guy.

So, like anything, it really depends on the person. Yes, I think dating was more difficult for me in some ways. But I think it's less about the ease of dating and more about getting to know people and getting out there and letting go of what you think you want and seeing what's out there. It could be even better. It was for me.

Wow, I tip my virtual cap to you. Great discipline, but that's no doubt how you also became a doctor. Kudos on having your head screwed on so straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. High maintenance is my guess, too. However, it's also a shame when a woman can't find a man because there just aren't any, in her community, that are at her career level. This is actually an issue nationwide, as women are now out striding men in terms of college graduation and employment rates.

Plus, I'm going out on a limb here and saying most guys aren't looking for a woman who matches or eclipses them professionally.

This could be the case, since many men--especially from some cultures--will have pretty traditional attitudes about being the breadwinner, etc. I attended an HBCU, and many of my classmates have been very successful over the years. Several are lawyers, one has a Ph.D., etc. Nonetheless, only two of us are married, and we are all late 30s. Several live in the DC area. Just not enough eligible men of color to go around, IMO.

That's interesting because my experience has been pretty different I attended Howard and when I got married at 28, I was of the last of my best friends (6 of us) to get married and now at 31, I have way more engaged/married friends and acquaintances than I do single. Most of us are still in the DC area and hold advanced degrees and have professional jobs. We're convinced that the notion of the perpetually single black woman is a myth, my friends that are still single are definitely so by choice.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

I do not actively engage with these women these days except for occasionally seeing their posts on social media where they hosted x panel or traveled to y exotic location. They live the dream life! haha.

One thing I remember from some of them when they were in their twenties, however, is that 3 of these women were pretty focused on school and working. One girl came across as too serious and harsh when she was younger and when I knew her, did not make much effort to date. She did not work out much either and is not nearly as well groomed and dressed as she is today. She was also very competitive with men. I recall she treated her male colleagues as competition rather than potential love interests. The Pakistani woman was absolutely beautiful and well dressed even back then. She was also engaged in her late twenties but for some reason the engagement did not work out. She is very sweet, flirty and cooks amazing meals along with her high profile job.

[Anonymous]

DC is a very hard city for single women, as mentioned by some PPs. Lots of attractive smart women, fewer available men. My male friends admit this - its hard to feel like monogamy when there are so many single women looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

One girl came across as too serious and harsh when she was younger and when I knew her, did not make much effort to date. She did not work out much either and is not nearly as well groomed and dressed as she is today. She was also very competitive with men. I recall she treated her male colleagues as competition rather than potential love interests..

OP you have described me to a T . Im Indian - a huge commitment phobe, absolutely focused on my studies and career in my twenties and early thirties. In my early thirties i woke up (I always wanted to have children) and looked around and found that the men I was attracted to did not give me the time of the day - for all the reasons you mentioned.

I went back to the drawing board, worked on softening my personality, toning down the competitive edge and being (ggahh) girly and sweet and of course spent a small fortune on beauty and fashion. It worked (well sort of - one broken engagement that i got cold feet on) and I got married at 37 to a colleague of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that they are struggling, or do you just assume that's the case because they are not married?

I do not know them that well. I see their posts on social media where they lament being single or still looking for love. Its astounding since they are so attractive, westernized and accomplished. I know 2 of them are extremely picky, they are looking for men who are more accomplished or famous than they are. They remind me of Amal Clooney.

You answered your own question. It's surprisingly finding men who are more accomplished if you already are accomplished. As a minoroty woman in Biglaw, I got hardly any dates. The colleagues wanted less stressed out, hotter women who had a lot of time on their hands, not someone who also had a busy schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

One girl came across as too serious and harsh when she was younger and when I knew her, did not make much effort to date. She did not work out much either and is not nearly as well groomed and dressed as she is today. She was also very competitive with men. I recall she treated her male colleagues as competition rather than potential love interests..

OP you have described me to a T . Im Indian - a huge commitment phobe, absolutely focused on my studies and career in my twenties and early thirties. In my early thirties i woke up (I always wanted to have children) and looked around and found that the men I was attracted to did not give me the time of the day - for all the reasons you mentioned.

I went back to the drawing board, worked on softening my personality, toning down the competitive edge and being (ggahh) girly and sweet and of course spent a small fortune on beauty and fashion. It worked (well sort of - one broken engagement that i got cold feet on) and I got married at 37 to a colleague of mine.

Yep.

It is amazing how much a soft spoken, sweet, decently attractive woman is to a guy. The girls who get snagged up early know this. Just be soft and sweet and maternal. Doesn't matter if you are 27 or 37.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. High maintenance is my guess, too. However, it's also a shame when a woman can't find a man because there just aren't any, in her community, that are at her career level. This is actually an issue nationwide, as women are now out striding men in terms of college graduation and employment rates.

Plus, I'm going out on a limb here and saying most guys aren't looking for a woman who matches or eclipses them professionally.

This could be the case, since many men--especially from some cultures--will have pretty traditional attitudes about being the breadwinner, etc. I attended an HBCU, and many of my classmates have been very successful over the years. Several are lawyers, one has a Ph.D., etc. Nonetheless, only two of us are married, and we are all late 30s. Several live in the DC area. Just not enough eligible men of color to go around, IMO.

That's interesting because my experience has been pretty different I attended Howard and when I got married at 28, I was of the last of my best friends (6 of us) to get married and now at 31, I have way more engaged/married friends and acquaintances than I do single. Most of us are still in the DC area and hold advanced degrees and have professional jobs. We're convinced that the notion of the perpetually single black woman is a myth, my friends that are still single are definitely so by choice.

PP here. Wow, at 30 I was one of the first of my friends to get married. However, I also have a friend who attended Spelman, and all of her close friends--many of whom also have graduate/professional degrees--are married with kids in their 30s. Different circles, I guess.

I also agree with the other poster that pointed out that AA men have wider dating options. I read somewhere that they're statistically *most* likely to date interracially, whereas AA women are *least* likely of all the racial groups. So for AA women who are only interested in dating black men, they may have a harder time finding a match. (FWIW I'm married to a black man, but I would've been willing to date interracially too.)

[Anonymous]

Another problem for westernized minority women is that westernized minority men usually date white women.