Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you explored with your therapist why you are pursuing older men? Why did you pick a thirty-something guy when you were in your 20's? And why are you pursuing this 20+ years older guy this time?

You do honestly sound very naive. And at the same time, I'd peg you as a strong risk to cheat on this new guy sometime down the road as well. You don't seem very self-aware, or to have alot of knowledge about relationships.

I don't know why I choose older men. I simply don't like younger men physically or intellectually. It's always been this way. Both DH and AP don't look their ages (they look 10 years younger at least).

Why do women pick older partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you explored with your therapist why you are pursuing older men? Why did you pick a thirty-something guy when you were in your 20's? And why are you pursuing this 20+ years older guy this time?

You do honestly sound very naive. And at the same time, I'd peg you as a strong risk to cheat on this new guy sometime down the road as well. You don't seem very self-aware, or to have alot of knowledge about relationships.

I don't know why I choose older men. I simply don't like younger men physically or intellectually. It's always been this way. Both DH and AP don't look their ages (they look 10 years younger at least).

Why do women pick older partners?

Daddy issues. What was your father like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you looking for a new job, OP?

Got a job after grad school where I stayed for a year. Didn't like it because it was not a good fit (it was a very prestigious company but I didn't like the way things were run there), then left for this job several months ago. In my field (technical), it's not a good thing to change jobs so frequently. In addition, I always wanted to work for this company and was very happy when I was hired. This is what I went to grad school for; my job responsibilities, growth potential, educational opportunities, and many other things about this job are what I was looking for. My productivity did not change with this affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you looking for a new job, OP?

Got a job after grad school where I stayed for a year. Didn't like it because it was not a good fit (it was a very prestigious company but I didn't like the way things were run there), then left for this job several months ago. In my field (technical), it's not a good thing to change jobs so frequently. In addition, I always wanted to work for this company and was very happy when I was hired. This is what I went to grad school for; my job responsibilities, growth potential, educational opportunities, and many other things about this job are what I was looking for. My productivity did not change with this affair.

How many years out of grad school are you? I thought you were thirty-something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you explored with your therapist why you are pursuing older men? Why did you pick a thirty-something guy when you were in your 20's? And why are you pursuing this 20+ years older guy this time?

You do honestly sound very naive. And at the same time, I'd peg you as a strong risk to cheat on this new guy sometime down the road as well. You don't seem very self-aware, or to have alot of knowledge about relationships.

I don't know why I choose older men. I simply don't like younger men physically or intellectually. It's always been this way. Both DH and AP don't look their ages (they look 10 years younger at least).

Why do women pick older partners?

Daddy issues. What was your father like?

My father was always tired after work, he would come home after 7, eat, and lie down to rest or watch tv. He liked fishing and his car and would spend all of his time fixing the car or going on fishing trips with or without my mom, sometimes with me and my sibling. My parents were not affectionate with each other or us when we were growing up. I treasured infrequent conversations I had with my dad. My mom and dad live vey far now, I have to get on a plane and fly for hours to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you looking for a new job, OP?

Got a job after grad school where I stayed for a year. Didn't like it because it was not a good fit (it was a very prestigious company but I didn't like the way things were run there), then left for this job several months ago. In my field (technical), it's not a good thing to change jobs so frequently. In addition, I always wanted to work for this company and was very happy when I was hired. This is what I went to grad school for; my job responsibilities, growth potential, educational opportunities, and many other things about this job are what I was looking for. My productivity did not change with this affair.

How many years out of grad school are you? I thought you were thirty-something?

I'm 30+, took a long break after undergrad working and trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to get a MS degree but didn't know in what field as I didn't like what I majored in in undergrad. Don't want to give too many details.

[Anonymous]

Kids are small. They know AP as mommy's colleague who went for a walk with us ones. We behaved very properly and talked about work issues. This was not gross. DH knows about this walk and knows about AP as my colleague but haven't met him. I met his child when he helped me with something. We again behaved properly, and it was not gross.

Oh, hon. It doesn't matter that you didn't climb him like a tree in front of your children. You introduced your kids to your AP. Your DH doesn't know that you introduced him to your AP - he just thinks it was a work colleague. It's the act itself that's gross, not how you behaved during it. Think hard about why you did that.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, just sending you a hug.
Can you imagine keeping the job and ending the relationship with the AP? Just keeping it friendly and cordial? That way you could still see him, enjoy a coffee break once in a while, and keep your marriage. I agree with other PPs, leaving for AP is not going to make your life easier. Quite the opposite. You're going to shake up the lives of all people involved. If you want to leave your husband, do it for yourself, without AP in the picture. Difficult nonetheless, but more responsible IMO. Keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kids are small. They know AP as mommy's colleague who went for a walk with us ones. We behaved very properly and talked about work issues. This was not gross. DH knows about this walk and knows about AP as my colleague but haven't met him. I met his child when he helped me with something. We again behaved properly, and it was not gross.

Oh, hon. It doesn't matter that you didn't climb him like a tree in front of your children. You introduced your kids to your AP. Your DH doesn't know that you introduced him to your AP - he just thinks it was a work colleague. It's the act itself that's gross, not how you behaved during it. Think hard about why you did that.

+1 - This is terrible. My dad introduced me to his APs when I was a small child. We have made our peace in adulthood, but I despised him for it during my teenage years after he left for one of these APs. Why would you do this to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kids are small. They know AP as mommy's colleague who went for a walk with us ones. We behaved very properly and talked about work issues. This was not gross. DH knows about this walk and knows about AP as my colleague but haven't met him. I met his child when he helped me with something. We again behaved properly, and it was not gross.

Oh, hon. It doesn't matter that you didn't climb him like a tree in front of your children. You introduced your kids to your AP. Your DH doesn't know that you introduced him to your AP - he just thinks it was a work colleague. It's the act itself that's gross, not how you behaved during it. Think hard about why you did that.

It's clear you need to tell your husband what have you done, move out and start divorce proceedings. My ex DW was like you and you're wasting time and money sticking this out. Move on, own the shitty situation and cut them free.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, are you ok w/the very real possibility that you could divorce your husband and AP doesn't divorce his wife?

Have you looked at your personal finances? I dont know how much each you and your husband make, so I dont know whether you would get child support (or have to pay to your DH), but assume that you get your kids 50/50 split. What kind of home/life could you afford for them on your salary? Could you *really* afford the 5 bedroom house you mentioned upthread?

[Anonymous]

If I found out that my husband's AP had met my our kids in any circumstance (aside from being already in our circle like mom of one of the kids' friends, etc.), I world be completely horrified. That is a huge breach - I'm not sure how to explain it, but it doesn't matter that you weren't making out in front of each other. It would sicken me - that the AP spent time with my kids. That you can't see this is problematic.

Also, whether you realize it or not, a workplace affair will impact your work. If nothing else, your coworkers will figure it out even though you think you are discreet, and that will have a negative impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I found out that my husband's AP had met my our kids in any circumstance (aside from being already in our circle like mom of one of the kids' friends, etc.), I world be completely horrified. That is a huge breach - I'm not sure how to explain it, but it doesn't matter that you weren't making out in front of each other. It would sicken me - that the AP spent time with my kids. That you can't see this is problematic.

Also, whether you realize it or not, a workplace affair will impact your work. If nothing else, your coworkers will figure it out even though you think you are discreet, and that will have a negative impact.

+1 I saw this go down at my company earlier this year. Colleagues complained that a coworker was getting preferential treatment and he (supervisor) was fired. Imagine him explaining that to his family. Also, his team loved him and hated her, and she's still there because our firm is afraid of a lawsuit. Nightmare.

OP from what I can tell you have horrific judgment. I wouldn't be so sure that this isn't impacting your work, considering you're so off base about other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you looking for a new job, OP?

Got a job after grad school where I stayed for a year. Didn't like it because it was not a good fit (it was a very prestigious company but I didn't like the way things were run there), then left for this job several months ago. In my field (technical), it's not a good thing to change jobs so frequently. In addition, I always wanted to work for this company and was very happy when I was hired. This is what I went to grad school for; my job responsibilities, growth potential, educational opportunities, and many other things about this job are what I was looking for. My productivity did not change with this affair.

So you got your dream job and you effed it up by kissing your boss.

Find a new job, and next time, don't shit where you eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stress did not cause this. Your poor character did.

You introduced him to your kids? You're gross.

Please tell your DH and let him decide what he wants do. You have no right to treat him this way. He has the expectation of a faithful wife. Tell him he does not have one.

In the history of the internet, how many times have you seen an OP respond to something like this by saying, "You are absolutely right! I have poor character! Thank you for helping me see that I am terrible and gross!"? If not, then what is the purpose of posting this? Does it make you feel good?

I don't know what caused this, stress, poor character, both, none, something else. This is why I am such a mess right now.

Kids are small. They know AP as mommy's colleague who went for a walk with us ones. We behaved very properly and talked about work issues. This was not gross. DH knows about this walk and knows about AP as my colleague but haven't met him. I met his child when he helped me with something. We again behaved properly, and it was not gross.

Really? Because if your AP's child found out that the woman they helped install a new printer (or whatever) was having an affair with their dad, I'm pretty sure 'gross' is the mildest word they would use. Huge breach of trust by your AP. Ditto you and your little walk with your LO.

Your behavior is not okay. Your actions are both a lie and a betrayal to people who love you and who rely on you. Clearly you need to be told this in a very blunt manner, over and over again, because you still don't seem to get it.

Stop. Just stop. If you think that's hard, imagine standing in the nuclear blast zone you will call your life if you keep walking down this road.

And hell, if that's what you want, fine. Drop the bomb. It's your life. But don't sit in marriage counseling and lie to your husband by omitting your affair from the conversation.