Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does not respect you.

And you are KILLING your career. KILLING it. Once people find out (and they always find out) they will think very badly of you. They will think you are pathetic. And worse.

Seriously stop this.

OP, this is a really important thing for you to consider. Also keep in mind that the same will NOT be true for him. People will, in the moment, think that he's weak and selfish, but ultimately, they'll let that slide. You, however, will not get similar latitude.

[Anonymous]

Wait, is he your supervisor? I know this is your dream job, but you need to get out. At the very VERY least, you need to ask him to help you get transferred to another position in the company that does not require interaction with him, and that definitely does not require him to be your boss.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He promised to respect my wishes, not contact me anymore, and not jeopardize my career.

If anyone suspected anything before, they won't anymore because I promised to myself that it's over.

To those who think I act like a 15-year-old and am naive, I agree that that might be true. I am normally mature beyond my age, but this affair screwed up my mind and turned me into a teenager. You were not in my shoes so you don't understand what can happen to a very sane person over intense feelings. This forum is very helpful in painting things in their true colors. Reading the comments has been more helpful than several sessions with a therapist.

I never understood tobacco, alcohol and drug addiction and thought people could just quit cold turkey and never go back. I do understand what addiction is now, what it does to people, and why it's so hard to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you mean me. Or maybe there was another affair at work. Not doing well, unfortunately.

We "ended" the affair via internet. Then, he asked for a goodbye hug the following day. And it started again. I went to a therapist to understand what is wrong with me, why while I understand that I need to truly end it and be with my family, I can't. The therapist said it's stress that is responsible for the way I am. That under so much stress (young kids who are going through sibling rivalry daily, moving, grad school, etc) I let go of my boundaries. I understand that what I am doing is really wrong, but I can't help it. I forget about everything with him. There's a very strong connection, emotional and physical that is just too hard to break.

He tells me he loves me. I feel like I love him too. The therapist said we need to stop seeing each other, talking, and communication by an other means to understand if what we have is real or if it will go away. She says I am not ready to stop seeing him now and I need to set a limit on the number of times we see each other and then put a hold on the relationship. We both have been deprived of feelings for so many years, and this newly acquired feeling of love, passion, affection, immense care for each other is hard to let go of. I know that while we work together it would be hard to stop seeing each other. We tried several times, and we meant it every single time, but we failed miserably.

He met my kids and I met one of his sons. We give each other little gifts, mostly edible because we obviously can't bring gifts home. I once said I liked something and he got it for me the next day.

I've started thinking about divorcing my husband again. Just considering what I would have to go through. Lawyer fees, leaving the house to him, buying a 5-bedroom house for our new family should we choose to be together. I don't know if it's worth it. I am confused. He says we will manage. We haven't talked seriously about divorce, but I wanted to consider our options. The age difference of 20 years is a concern too. I know we have about 20 good years together, but I am afraid to be a widow at 60.

The therapist says it's clear I never loved my husband even though he is a good husband and a great dad, and that if it's not my AP I would eventually leave my husband anyway.

I know that people will write that I am a scumbag to my husband, that I am worthless, etc. etc. etc. I understand and possibly agree. But those who say it have never been through this.

Haven't gone through the thread but see a few that suggests you change therapist. I agree.

FYI, if he is 60 and you are 40 run away.

Also, keep in mind that your emotions clouds your judgement. Separate for 60 days from the AP. Tell him that you have to have this trial separation and if he contacts you during then it shows he doesn't respect your feelings, your marriage and your family and then it will end. The 60 days give you a finite goal which makes it easier to do. After 60 days then reassess but do so BY YOURSELF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He promised to respect my wishes, not contact me anymore, and not jeopardize my career.

If anyone suspected anything before, they won't anymore because I promised to myself that it's over.

To those who think I act like a 15-year-old and am naive, I agree that that might be true. I am normally mature beyond my age, but this affair screwed up my mind and turned me into a teenager. You were not in my shoes so you don't understand what can happen to a very sane person over intense feelings. This forum is very helpful in painting things in their true colors. Reading the comments has been more helpful than several sessions with a therapist.

I never understood tobacco, alcohol and drug addiction and thought people could just quit cold turkey and never go back. I do understand what addiction is now, what it does to people, and why it's so hard to stop.

Explain this to your husband. I am sure he will understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He promised to respect my wishes, not contact me anymore, and not jeopardize my career.

If anyone suspected anything before, they won't anymore because I promised to myself that it's over.

To those who think I act like a 15-year-old and am naive, I agree that that might be true. I am normally mature beyond my age, but this affair screwed up my mind and turned me into a teenager. You were not in my shoes so you don't understand what can happen to a very sane person over intense feelings. This forum is very helpful in painting things in their true colors. Reading the comments has been more helpful than several sessions with a therapist.

I never understood tobacco, alcohol and drug addiction and thought people could just quit cold turkey and never go back. I do understand what addiction is now, what it does to people, and why it's so hard to stop.

Explain this to your husband. I am sure he will understand

I dunno. If I was married to OP I'd probably be looking for an excuse for a divorce. Affair aside, I can't imagine living with her. She must constantly be seeking validation. What a horrible role model to her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He promised to respect my wishes, not contact me anymore, and not jeopardize my career.

If anyone suspected anything before, they won't anymore because I promised to myself that it's over.

To those who think I act like a 15-year-old and am naive, I agree that that might be true. I am normally mature beyond my age, but this affair screwed up my mind and turned me into a teenager. You were not in my shoes so you don't understand what can happen to a very sane person over intense feelings. This forum is very helpful in painting things in their true colors. Reading the comments has been more helpful than several sessions with a therapist.

I never understood tobacco, alcohol and drug addiction and thought people could just quit cold turkey and never go back. I do understand what addiction is now, what it does to people, and why it's so hard to stop.

Explain this to your husband. I am sure he will understand

I dunno. If I was married to OP I'd probably be looking for an excuse for a divorce. Affair aside, I can't imagine living with her. She must constantly be seeking validation. What a horrible role model to her kids.

Could you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you are staying strong! This sounds quite similar to your situation. If this is you, you are clearly not as discrete as you think you are. If not take this as a good indication that as many pps have noted people notice things and talk.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/587602.page

I hope you get this sorted out and are able to save your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hope you are staying strong! This sounds quite similar to your situation. If this is you, you are clearly not as discrete as you think you are. If not take this as a good indication that as many pps have noted people notice things and talk.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/587602.page

I hope you get this sorted out and are able to save your family.

OP. Staying strong! No, this is not us. Thank you for sharing and for checking in.

[Anonymous]

Op how many days have gone by since you've stopped sacrificing your career, reputation, and the psychological wellbeing of your children?

[Anonymous]

I dunno. If I was married to OP I'd probably be looking for an excuse for a divorce. Affair aside, I can't imagine living with her. She must constantly be seeking validation. What a horrible role model to her kids.

Could you elaborate?


Not the pp, but I think this youtube video explains it pretty well.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Iur3eWKynqE

[Anonymous]

I wonder if op has stopped it or not.

And as someone who very nearly had an affair at work: yes, everyone knows. They see it. The glances, the laughing, the demeanor. They all know.

I ended up quitting to get away from it. It should never have happened, but if my marriage had any hope at all, I needed space

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The therapist says it's clear I never loved my husband even though he is a good husband and a great dad, and that if it's not my AP I would eventually leave my husband anyway.

Your therapist is terrible. It is the job of the therapist to ask you if you have ever loved your DH, to help you explore the answer to that question, to help you think about what changed (if you did once love him) or why you married him (if you didn't).

It is patently NOT the job of the therapist to tell you that you never loved your husband.

Fire him/her immediately and find someone else. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He promised to respect my wishes, not contact me anymore, and not jeopardize my career.

If anyone suspected anything before, they won't anymore because I promised to myself that it's over.

To those who think I act like a 15-year-old and am naive, I agree that that might be true. I am normally mature beyond my age, but this affair screwed up my mind and turned me into a teenager. You were not in my shoes so you don't understand what can happen to a very sane person over intense feelings. This forum is very helpful in painting things in their true colors. Reading the comments has been more helpful than several sessions with a therapist.

I never understood tobacco, alcohol and drug addiction and thought people could just quit cold turkey and never go back. I do understand what addiction is now, what it does to people, and why it's so hard to stop.

...because your therapist is terrible. I am appalled.