Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

[Anonymous]

It really is true what "they" say OP.

Sometimes.....The Heart Wants What It Wants....."

Best wishes to you, I hope you can figure this all out soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are hearing what you want to hear from your therapist. I doubt very seriously the therapist said any of what you posted.

Agree. And it's possible the therapist isn't so great at conveying to you how you must try and see reality through your affair fog, which is intense, like a powerful drug. I think you're on the cusp, but then you get a hit of the drug again, and it feels sooooo good. It's a tough thing to set down a drug you're hooked on, that gets you so high, and really focus on making your life better in real and positive ways. I think a better therapist would have made you understand that you have to stop taking the drug and give yourself time to let your head clear before you can see to work on your issues. No meeting up with him at all. Change jobs, if possible.

And I'll tell you this: a strong man who truly cared about YOU and wasn't mainly acting out on his selfish needs, weaknesses, and wants (like a mid-life crisis, for example), a man who was mindful and truly caring about the well-being of the kids--he would step back and let you sort your life out, and give you space to figure out what you feel is best. Real connections with solid people stand the test of time and distance.

[Anonymous]

Get a new therapist

[Anonymous]

I think you're using this affair to escape your life and all the stress. The thing is, you'll run away, and then you'll be trading one set of problems for another set.

Agreed. You've gotten some good advice on this thread. You definitely need to get a new therapist. Whether you end your marriage or not, whether you start a life with the AP or not, you need to just stop. You need to pause and get to a place you can make some un-emotional decisions.

I'm really sorry you are in such a mess. Best of luck to you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any updates, how are you doing? Was just thinking about your thread. Hope you are doing okay and moving on.

OP Really you lack any morality by thinking of someone involved in an affair and wishing them well???

[Anonymous]

Just get in the car and drive away for a few days (letting DH know of course). Quit your job. It isn't worth it. You are headed down and very very painful path and need to get off it. Drive to a best friend. Drive to your parents. Drive to be alone. Just get physically away and try to get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are hearing what you want to hear from your therapist. I doubt very seriously the therapist said any of what you posted.

Agree. And it's possible the therapist isn't so great at conveying to you how you must try and see reality through your affair fog, which is intense, like a powerful drug. I think you're on the cusp, but then you get a hit of the drug again, and it feels sooooo good. It's a tough thing to set down a drug you're hooked on, that gets you so high, and really focus on making your life better in real and positive ways. I think a better therapist would have made you understand that you have to stop taking the drug and give yourself time to let your head clear before you can see to work on your issues. No meeting up with him at all. Change jobs, if possible.

And I'll tell you this: a strong man who truly cared about YOU and wasn't mainly acting out on his selfish needs, weaknesses, and wants (like a mid-life crisis, for example), a man who was mindful and truly caring about the well-being of the kids--he would step back and let you sort your life out, and give you space to figure out what you feel is best. Real connections with solid people stand the test of time and distance.

Thank you, this is very insightful. Yes, he feels like a drug. But also a friend I can share feelings with. We have a connection, a mutual understanding, we speak the same language of love.

The longest we were apart during these few months was four days, and it felt like torture. It was when we decided to stop and figure out what we truly wanted from our lives. I understand I was going through withdrawal and should have stuck with it. But we started talking again, and next thing I know I am in his arms. I know he is selfish in that regard. He admits it too that when he sees me he is drawn to me.

Quitting my job is not an option, unfortunately, for many reasons. Leaving for a few days is not an option either. My parents live very far, and I don't have close friends I can visit, only out if state. But yes, thinking clearly is difficult when everything reminds me of him daily.

[Anonymous]

Where is the original thread? I thought I remmebered but can't find it. Anyway, if i am remembering correctly, you sounded beside yourself. Now you seem more calm....maybe bc you are still seeing each other. Whatever the situation, take it easy on yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP you have received a lot of good advice on this and the prior thread but you don't seem to want to listen to it. You are hearing what you want to hear in therapy. There is no way a decent therapist has said the things you have claimed. You are ready to blow up your life, your kids lives and his kids lives for this guy who frankly sounds like he has a lot of issues of his own (not the least of which is that he will likely be fired if HR finds out about his actions). You have so much to lose here. You really must stop making excuses and be a grown up. Get some distance, get a new job and get YOUR life sorted out before you have anything further to do with this guy. If it's truly a "great love", which is highly doubtful given how he targeted you and what you shared about him in the prior thread, it will stand the test of time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like you are entrenched in a victim role. "I can't change my job, I can't tell AP 'no,' I can't stay away from AP, I can't work things out with my husband, I can't change my chaotic schedule..." Why can't you do any of the above?

Maybe next time you see your therapist you should talk about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the original thread? I thought I remmebered but can't find it. Anyway, if i am remembering correctly, you sounded beside yourself. Now you seem more calm....maybe bc you are still seeing each other. Whatever the situation, take it easy on yourself and your family.

OP asked to have it deleted.

[Anonymous]

Don't believe this for one minute. Sorry. Therapist sounds too ridiculous to be real

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist sounds terrible.

her therapist knows her and the situation a lot better than you do.

No qualified therapist worth anything would say the things OP claims. As a pp stated OP is likely hearing what she wants to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you mean me. Or maybe there was another affair at work. Not doing well, unfortunately.

We "ended" the affair via internet. Then, he asked for a goodbye hug the following day. And it started again. I went to a therapist to understand what is wrong with me, why while I understand that I need to truly end it and be with my family, I can't. The therapist said it's stress that is responsible for the way I am. That under so much stress (young kids who are going through sibling rivalry daily, moving, grad school, etc) I let go of my boundaries. I understand that what I am doing is really wrong, but I can't help it. I forget about everything with him. There's a very strong connection, emotional and physical that is just too hard to break.

He tells me he loves me. I feel like I love him too. The therapist said we need to stop seeing each other, talking, and communication by an other means to understand if what we have is real or if it will go away. She says I am not ready to stop seeing him now and I need to set a limit on the number of times we see each other and then put a hold on the relationship. We both have been deprived of feelings for so many years, and this newly acquired feeling of love, passion, affection, immense care for each other is hard to let go of. I know that while we work together it would be hard to stop seeing each other. We tried several times, and we meant it every single time, but we failed miserably.

He met my kids and I met one of his sons. We give each other little gifts, mostly edible because we obviously can't bring gifts home. I once said I liked something and he got it for me the next day.

I've started thinking about divorcing my husband again. Just considering what I would have to go through. Lawyer fees, leaving the house to him, buying a 5-bedroom house for our new family should we choose to be together. I don't know if it's worth it. I am confused. He says we will manage. We haven't talked seriously about divorce, but I wanted to consider our options. The age difference of 20 years is a concern too. I know we have about 20 good years together, but I am afraid to be a widow at 60.

The therapist says it's clear I never loved my husband even though he is a good husband and a great dad, and that if it's not my AP I would eventually leave my husband anyway.

I know that people will write that I am a scumbag to my husband, that I am worthless, etc. etc. etc. I understand and possibly agree. But those who say it have never been through this.

The bold crosses a major line. That is incredibly wrong OP. Even you must realize this.

[Anonymous]

Isn't the ap also married?