Boy who refuses to shower

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I have to force you in the shower trust me it will be ice cold. Talk about a kid screaming bloody murder. Never happened again though.

OP here. Great idea.

My son has been made aware that he will shower every day, or lose all privileges. Including his friends birthday tomorrow and field trips with school. I'm done fighting over showers. He is also responsible for loading last nights dinner dishes into the dishwasher because I had to fight with him for an hour rather than clean up.

He will either figure it out, or his life will suck.

You seem to have an authoritarian approach to life-how's that working for you?

Have you tried sitting down with your son during a non shower time and calmly discussing the problem and brainstorming solutions together?

See that's the thing. I'm NOT authoritarian. AT ALL. We have ZERO other behavior issues. He does his homework most nights without fuss. He loves to read, does well in school (loves math and science). Consequences for bad behavior in my house are logical, and so far have good results (after a rough spell from 3-5 years old). The shower however, is a TOTALLY different issue. We've tried picking out soap that he likes, we've tried every other day, I've tried every day, and if I'm not 100% dilligent and willing to FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL he WILL NOT shower. Or take a bath. Or get clean in the sink. And yes, He MUST USE SOAP. He SMELLS. He doesn't care. It's like a badge of honor. It's not medical, its not sensory, its not anxiety, its just stubborn refusal.

This is the one remaining problem we have - and its HORRIBLE. I don't fight with him, ever (I remove privileges when necessary, but its never a big deal, just put the Kindle away and disengage) over anything else. Showers for some reason are different. He just R.E.F.U.S.E.S. to get in. There is no removing privileges for it, it DOES NOT WORK. I've tried previously. But only one or 2 at a time. And he just says, "OK, sounds good, I'll be in my room reading" because reading is the ONE thing I have refused to use as a punishment to date. So now, its ALL privileges. If it doesn't work, he's going to be one stinky smelly child.

Maybe I need to turn around the doorknob on the bathroom so that I can lock it from the outside and don't have to play tug or war with the door while I'm shutting him inside the bathroom to force the issue. Maybe that would work, but I can't change the knob until he's at my ex's house for a weekend because learning is going to be a production, and I can't do that and cook dinner every night, plus fight over the shower, and exercise, and make sure the laundry is done, and make it to work on time, and and and and and and.

And YES I have asked him why he won't shower. I HAVE brainstormed with him what will work. He says "Nothing" or "I don't know" or "I don't want soap in my eyes" (tear free shampoo does not help - btdt FAIL) or "I'll do it on MWF" (FAIL) or "I'll do T/Th" (FAIL) or ..... you name it I've tried all of the things. He STILL WON'T SHOWER. Or take a bath.

[Anonymous]

Does he shower at your ex's house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he shower at your ex's house?

I'm wondering about this too. What does the ex say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he shower at your ex's house?

I'm wondering about this too. What does the ex say?

Apparently yes. However, ex refuses to communicate with me, so I have no idea how those showers go. All my ex says when I ask is laugh and say, "you know how it is". So who knows. And my son says that his dad threatens to take away his ipad if he doesn't cooperate. But the kindle fire is not as much of a threat apparently cause it doesn't work at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he shower at your ex's house?

I'm wondering about this too. What does the ex say?

Apparently yes. However, ex refuses to communicate with me, so I have no idea how those showers go. All my ex says when I ask is laugh and say, "you know how it is". So who knows. And my son says that his dad threatens to take away his ipad if he doesn't cooperate. But the kindle fire is not as much of a threat apparently cause it doesn't work at my house.

Then you have some huge issues bigger than your child stinking. You and ex need to sit down and talk. Perhaps you, ex and child needs to sit down and talk. You all are not on the same page. I'm a single mom to a young boy too. Ex is very involved. He wouldn't allow his child (our child) to disrespect or mind fuck his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he shower at your ex's house?

I'm wondering about this too. What does the ex say?

Apparently yes. However, ex refuses to communicate with me, so I have no idea how those showers go. All my ex says when I ask is laugh and say, "you know how it is". So who knows. And my son says that his dad threatens to take away his ipad if he doesn't cooperate. But the kindle fire is not as much of a threat apparently cause it doesn't work at my house.

Then you have some huge issues bigger than your child stinking. You and ex need to sit down and talk. Perhaps you, ex and child needs to sit down and talk. You all are not on the same page. I'm a single mom to a young boy too. Ex is very involved. He wouldn't allow his child (our child) to disrespect or mind fuck his mother.

Congratulations, your ex is a real person who cares. Mine was abusive toward me, and would LOVE nothing more than to hear that my child was being disrespectful. As a result, we do not co-parent. We parallel parent. (child is with me about 75% of the time, so mostly it works out fine)

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I absolutely refused to brush my hair as a child-teen to the extent that it became a gross rats nest. I hated brushing my hair: it hurt and was boring; and obviously hurt more and took longer once I put it off for awhile. It was just stubbornness. There was no phobia behind it, I wasn't being abused, I was otherwise a good kid (did great in school, otherwise fine hygeine, plenty of friends, never more than minor acting out, responsible with younger sibs, etc). I have no idea to this day why I picked that battle to fight.

Eventually my parents mostly gave up and ignored it. It obviously isn't the hygeine issue not bathing is, so that was more of an option. And, honestly, it didn't work. I sort of covered it up a bit as I entered teenage years by brushing the top layer and occasionally got teased about it, but rarely to my face (and I still dated, etc). One summer in high school, I just tackled it myself. And that was that. It never recurred.

That's all just to say: don't assume that OP is wrong that this is just an irrational battle of wills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he refuse on a weekend when you are relaxed about time? I'd focus on getting to the real reason, try to at least get one shower or bath on the weekend when you are both calm, let him wash himself with a washcloth during the week. Once that is working, try to add the bath or shower during the week, but don't wait until you are both tired.

It's always the same thing. He HATES showering. He hates bathing in general. If he knows that it's shower night he will go up without being asked and do the entire bedtime routine himself just so that he can say that he's all ready so he can't shower that night. He will run away. He will sit in the bathroom for hours (yes, even on a weekend morning, even if there are other things he wants todo that day).

To the PP who said bathtime had all kinds of toys? Does not work with my kid. Period. Those things work the first night I use them, but he hates baths as much as showers. These bathtime/shower time standoff a have been happening since he was 3. Which is why I try to avoid them.

I got him into a nightly routing last year that worked well, but then in winter his skin dries out so nightly showers are not really ok. So then after we stopped doing it nightly, we went back in time to stand offs and screaming matches. I really and truly don't understand.

Were you using lotion after every shower? If not, go back to the nightly showers and have him use lotion.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I am really sorry; it's sounds very frustrating- my boy is akso not a big fan of bath/showers but it is not as bad as yours (yet).

You probably have tried this already but just in case, can you tell him he can write on the shower walls with these (see below) if he showers.

Also, switching the knob should be pretty easy for you - I did it for other reasons and if I could do it you definitely can.
As for soap in his eyes, you can also try this little 'hat' in the amazon link below.

Good luck!



https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=crayola+bathtub+crayons&tag=hydsma-20&index=aps&hvadid=60063544942&hvpos=1t1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8315804865026589528&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007915&hvtargid=kwd-761748819&ref=pd_sl_57ms6pm10d_b&gclid=CO-hjbCelM8CFQNkhgodcHwCYQ


https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00N0SU7DY/ref=pd_aw_sim_75_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8VK0RDZ5SZ9A25G166A6

[Anonymous]

Go to bed dirty. Shower in the morning. Wash the sheets weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there no father in the picture?

Dad's role here is to say:

"Get in the fucking shower, NOW, and don't come out until you're clean!"

I odnt understand why people dont read the OP. She said she is a single Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there no father in the picture?

Dad's role here is to say:

"Get in the fucking shower, NOW, and don't come out until you're clean!"

I odnt understand why people dont read the OP. She said she is a single Mom!

I don't know why mom can't say that. I wouldn't say "fuck". But if I say get in the shower, my kids sure as hell better get in the damn shower. They are far, far from perfect but they would never flat out refuse to do what I asked. I think maybe this is the kind of parenting that needs to start at 2, not 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there no father in the picture?

Dad's role here is to say:

"Get in the fucking shower, NOW, and don't come out until you're clean!"

I odnt understand why people dont read the OP. She said she is a single Mom!

I don't know why mom can't say that. I wouldn't say "fuck". But if I say get in the shower, my kids sure as hell better get in the damn shower. They are far, far from perfect but they would never flat out refuse to do what I asked. I think maybe this is the kind of parenting that needs to start at 2, not 7.

You've NEVER had a kid refuse to do what you said? I'm impressed. What kind of consequences did you have when they were little that was so effective?? Teach me, oh wise anonymous stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there no father in the picture?

Dad's role here is to say:

"Get in the fucking shower, NOW, and don't come out until you're clean!"

I odnt understand why people dont read the OP. She said she is a single Mom!

I don't know why mom can't say that. I wouldn't say "fuck". But if I say get in the shower, my kids sure as hell better get in the damn shower. They are far, far from perfect but they would never flat out refuse to do what I asked. I think maybe this is the kind of parenting that needs to start at 2, not 7.

Then you have compliant kids. Congrats. This is not your parenting being magical, its the fact that your kids are not the most stubborn human on earth.

And (op here) what the heck do people THINK I say to him? "would you please if you think its ok take a shower pretty please?"

Nope - I say, "It is shower night. You will take one before bed tonight." Then when its time, "Time for a shower. Get undressed and get in the shower." Then comes defiance. And refusal. And a battle of wills. And a standoff, or me forcibly removing his clothing and putting him in the shower.

[Anonymous]

What if instead of yelling, you send him up for a shower as soon as you get home, and you start on dinner. Matter of fact "when you've showered, you can come down and eat." If he comes down to eat without having showered, then "you have to shower before you can eat dinner." If he doesn't shower, he doesn't eat dinner. In my house, that would be a motivator, so not something I'd need to fight about. My kids would only skip dinner a few times before deciding they could handle showering.

One of my kids does have sensory issues and the feeling of clothing after a shower is a big deterrent. We arrange showers so he can air dry. For him, he eats dinner, showers, does his homework in his room while he's drying off.

You mention he likes swimming. If there's a way to arrange your schedule so that you take him swimming a couple times a week and make him rinse off before swimming, and shower afterwards, that might be all you need to do at least for now.