Boy who refuses to shower

[Anonymous]

Have you considered letting him use baby wipes and other things on days he doesn't shower?

[Anonymous]

Op again. I will try earlier in the day. However, I have to cook dinner, so if he showers earlier dinner is delayed.

And we have long days. It sucks. We're not home until 6pm. I'm sure he's tired, I'm tired. It sucks. But I'm a single mom, my ex is hundreds of miles away, I have no help, and I just need my kid to take his 5 minute shower without a knock down drag out fight, but only twice a week.

[Anonymous]

My second grader doesn't get to eat, watch tv, or play any games in the evenings until he showers. He still gripes about it but it works. As soon as we come home from aftercare or an after school sports activity, he goes from the car to the shower. If not he has to go to his room until he decided to shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a fear of water and never bathed or showered as a kid. I used a wet washcloth in front of the sink. Like no shit, four times a year. If I smelled nobody ever told me that. I didn't start showering until about 7th or 8th grade, and only every other day. I'm white and pale too.

OP here. My kid loves the swimming pool. This is NOT a fear of water. It may be fear of soap. But don't project your fear of water when I already wrote that it's not fear related.

You are weirdly combative.

[Anonymous]

OP, figure out what his currency (bribe) is, then gave him shower as soon as you get home. Then he gets to enjoy x thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, figure out what his currency (bribe) is, then gave him shower as soon as you get home. Then he gets to enjoy x thing.

Annoyingly, he has no currency. Bribery results in manipulation for more things or "I don't care about that". And taking away everything doesn't work either because it's simply not possible.

[Anonymous]

This is a stop gap measure, but I would make him clean himself with baby wipes some nights and take a shower or bath on the other nights.

Fix the drain plug. Move bath time to earlier in the evening. I would give him something to look forward to afterwards like iPad time or tv. I would not allow anything like that before bath. If there is still refusal, I would take one toy or electronics every three minutes that he won't get into the bathroom to get cleaned up instead of making a physical battle out of it. He would lose the items until next bath (not the current one). He could get it back the next night, if he asks to take a bath and does so.

Get him a really short haircut--less to wash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a fear of water and never bathed or showered as a kid. I used a wet washcloth in front of the sink. Like no shit, four times a year. If I smelled nobody ever told me that. I didn't start showering until about 7th or 8th grade, and only every other day. I'm white and pale too.

OP here. My kid loves the swimming pool. This is NOT a fear of water. It may be fear of soap. But don't project your fear of water when I already wrote that it's not fear related.

OMG. What a mean response. I'm going to assume you are just stressed out. Think about what you just said. You DO NOT KNOW why our kid won't shower or bath but YOU KNOW its not fear related? Sorry, but you don't. Maybe he is afraid of the water that comes from the shower and bath itself. Maybe he read a book about something coming out of it. Maybe its the drain. Maybe its the sound. Maybe his skin gets easily irritated and the shower makes it worse (this is why I hated showers when I was little but I couldn't express it).

The first thing you have to do is open your mind to the possibilities that it is fear related. The second thing you have to do is acknowledge you may have made it worse by letting him avoid it (it is easy to do).

I suggest doing two things. First, sit down and calmly ask your son to explain what it is about the shower. If he says he doesn't know, ask him specific questions. What if we used the hose outdoors? (I don't really suggest doing this, but it helps figure out if it is the bathroom or being sprayed with water). What if you stood in the tub and used a cup and water? What is the worse thing he thinks will happen? Is it the shower/bath? Is it the feeling after? Does he get too cold? Too hot? Keep gently prying. You may stumble into something.

The next thing you need to do is plan a regular schedule of bathing/showers. No excuses. Calmly enforce it. The first few times will be hell. But after awhile, unless it truly is something like skin irritation, he will realize that it is not that bad. Or at least accept the badness is part of the day. My son was that way with flossing and lotion. He hated them both. Now, he says he doesn't like it, but it is just part of his day.

[Anonymous]

It's not fear. Really. He loves being sprayed by the hose (in the summer when we're trying to cool off), he loves water guns, he loves swimming and getting splashed. It's really and truly not fear.

And he does have currency, if only a temporary one. No more Harry Potter until he showers without complaining. And no taking the books to school.

It feels really shitty to take away reading, but if that's what it takes, then that's what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's 7 (2nd grade). I would just wait, and let him stink, but (we're white, and pretty pale) his limbs were literally brown with dirt.

He eats healthy, won't tell me why he hates showers (they're at night because mornings we don't have the time - we leave the house at 6:30 and I don't have an hour plus to fight over the shower). He sleeps well, literally this is the ONE behavior struggle were having right now. And I avoid the shower until he's literally so dirty or stinky that I can't put it off anymore.

MAKE him clean himself EVERY evening so he LEARNS routine. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I will try earlier in the day. However, I have to cook dinner, so if he showers earlier dinner is delayed.

And we have long days. It sucks. We're not home until 6pm. I'm sure he's tired, I'm tired. It sucks. But I'm a single mom, my ex is hundreds of miles away, I have no help, and I just need my kid to take his 5 minute shower without a knock down drag out fight, but only twice a week.

Every day will make it a habit.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you make dinner while he showers? I don't understand why dinner is delayed if he showers when you walk in. At 7 he should be able to shower himself, maybe some help with hair on the weekend when there's more time. Tell him he needs to shower every day when you get in. No TV etc until he's done it.

[Anonymous]

Does he refuse on a weekend when you are relaxed about time? I'd focus on getting to the real reason, try to at least get one shower or bath on the weekend when you are both calm, let him wash himself with a washcloth during the week. Once that is working, try to add the bath or shower during the week, but don't wait until you are both tired.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a similar son who's now 13. Was the same at 7 as your son.

I would strongly, STRONGLY urge you not to bribe, reward or manipulate your son with punishments and artificial, unconnected "consequences." Yes, you'll get the quick result you want by dropping a hammer but that's lazy, illogical parenting. I mean, why not just hit him in the face if he balks? That will also get the fast result you want.

Basic hygiene is simply a rule in your house. You're not going to cajole or sprinkle him with cookies for doing what he should be doing as a functioning member of society. Just keep doing a version of what you did today, maybe with less engagement/more detachment, over and over and over and over. Show him you mean business and that, if necessary, you will assist him in bathing by first removing his clothes. Take the lock off your bathroom door, without fanfare.

I promise you, he will get the message and the behavior will eventually become native.

Which is what you want, right? Right? You don't want a 20 year old who doesn't shower because his mommy isn't there to hand him a prize for showering anymore or take away his iPad when he doesn't. You want a 20 year old who habitually showers because it's the correct thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Let him see he's making it a lot tougher than it has to be. He has the choice of showering daily or he does nothing else. Sits in a predetermined place in the house until bedtime and ignore him if he yells. He'll figure out 5 mins of showering isn't that bad. Just let him know he can choose showering or doing nothing.