My Master's vs DH's job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you wait until you relocate and then go back to school?

Her husband has been at his job for only 6 months and already wants to quit, but in 3-6 months he will start looking and who knows how long it will take him to find something acceptable. By then she could have finished a year of her degree and move on to weekly intensives like she said. She shouldn't put her goals on hold indefinitely having already sacrificed while her husband earned 3 degrees. And all of this is coming out the week before OP is starting a program she's excited about. No way. She should go ahead with her plans. Do none of you unsupportive posters have daughters?

Thank you! Like I said, it's not about money. He'd be happy if I didn't work.

It's that he wants the ability to pick up and move whenever he wants. This is his 4th position within the past 3 years (2 of which were temporary assignments from his employer). Now he's in a position he can stay awhile and I would like to take advantage. But he's talking about moving from here ASAP, and then trying to take on another temporary assignment a couple years after that.

So you think the two economic concerns he cited per your OP (cost of the program and poor ROI) are just lies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

I agree it's probably not worth it for a $50K per year job but the math is more like $15K per year ($500 per credit x 30 credits per year = $15,000).

She is quoting the tuition costs... BUT.... the last time I took master's level classes the tuition there were a lot of added fees on top of tuition. (more than just books). I recall two years ago by tuition was around 2500 for the semester but with all the mandatory fees... (i.e. library fee, technology fee, etc.) the bill for each semester not including text books was closer to $5,200. Then add text books on top (average around $200 per book) I did a mixture of rent vs. buy. I bought all the acconting and finance type books because they are good for reference but rented the management theory type books at about $50 per semester.

Bottom line.... it costs more than tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you wait until you relocate and then go back to school?

Her husband has been at his job for only 6 months and already wants to quit, but in 3-6 months he will start looking and who knows how long it will take him to find something acceptable. By then she could have finished a year of her degree and move on to weekly intensives like she said. She shouldn't put her goals on hold indefinitely having already sacrificed while her husband earned 3 degrees. And all of this is coming out the week before OP is starting a program she's excited about. No way. She should go ahead with her plans. Do none of you unsupportive posters have daughters?

Another poster who agrees with this plan.

OP - I think you got folks sidetracked because they put this situation in the context of their own lives in which it really would be a financial cost-benefit analysis, and in that situation what you propose might not make sense. But for you and your family it isn't about the money at all - it's about prioritizing the needs and goals of both family members, and at some point your DH needs to step up and make it your turn.

I will say this - this type of negotiation sounds familiar to me, and I think like in salary negotiations there are gender dynamics that come into play. Your DH may not realize just how much you have put his needs first *because you just did it without making a big stink about it.* I think many women just support their spouse without massive prodding, and then are frustrated when they feel like it is their turn and in order to get the support they deserve they have to raise a huge ruckus. And I don't think either side is right or wrong here, just that the way the genders communicate is different.

In my case I'm learning to me more vocal about times when I am putting myself second in order to support my spouse (I do so willingly - just being vocal so I know he *sees* that I am making a sacrifice in that area and so he doesn't take it for granted / I don't resent him for that), and I am also learning to be OK with being more vocal and forceful in asking for what I need / asking him to put himself second at those times. Which hasn't come easily for me as I am conflict averse, but it has been so valuable. and has really improved ou marriage dynamic. Because I've learned that my husband really is serious when he says that he wants me to be happy and will support me in that - he just needs me to be very clear and forthright about what will actually accomplish that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you wait until you relocate and then go back to school?

Her husband has been at his job for only 6 months and already wants to quit, but in 3-6 months he will start looking and who knows how long it will take him to find something acceptable. By then she could have finished a year of her degree and move on to weekly intensives like she said. She shouldn't put her goals on hold indefinitely having already sacrificed while her husband earned 3 degrees. And all of this is coming out the week before OP is starting a program she's excited about. No way. She should go ahead with her plans. Do none of you unsupportive posters have daughters?

Thank you! Like I said, it's not about money. He'd be happy if I didn't work.

It's that he wants the ability to pick up and move whenever he wants. This is his 4th position within the past 3 years (2 of which were temporary assignments from his employer). Now he's in a position he can stay awhile and I would like to take advantage. But he's talking about moving from here ASAP, and then trying to take on another temporary assignment a couple years after that.

So you think the two economic concerns he cited per your OP (cost of the program and poor ROI) are just lies?

The national median household income for a family of 4 is around 40k. 50-70k may be less that OP's husband earns but if it's a job she enjoys and enables her to re-enter the workforce, it's a worthy goal. Her kid isn't going to be a toddler forever and she's smart to plan to do something else other than follow her husband to his next post. And if his economic concerns were so important, he should have brought them up more than a week before classes start, by which time tuition has presumably been paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

[Anonymous]

I'm currently almost done with my MSW, which is one of those expensive degrees in low-paying fields that a lot of people are dismissive of.

In general, I support moms who are returning to the workforce who are looking to boost their cred going back to school and getting an advanced degree in their field, provided that their field has an advanced degree that is meaningfully different from the lower level. My undergrad degree isn't in social work, and I've been working in another field for 10 years, so getting the MSW basically IS my transition from one industry to the other.

I still think that it's pretty important WHAT degree the OP is actually pursuing. If it's something like a non-profit administration degree, I am on Team Husband because that is a useless degree. If it's a social work degree, though, I feel like it's a different story if for no other reason than that social workers are highly employable nation-wide, so OP won't have difficulty finding work in the area where her DH wants to move. Sure, she'll need to get licensed there, but that's a lesser hurdle than getting a MPH or non-profit administration degree and then moving to a town where those credentials are meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

Probably because she doesn't want to hear feedback on her degree choice from judgmental DCUM people. I know many people with the above mentioned degrees with 6 figure positions that they love. In a lot of places of employment, a master's degree is a prerequisite for a position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you wait until you relocate and then go back to school?

Her husband has been at his job for only 6 months and already wants to quit, but in 3-6 months he will start looking and who knows how long it will take him to find something acceptable. By then she could have finished a year of her degree and move on to weekly intensives like she said. She shouldn't put her goals on hold indefinitely having already sacrificed while her husband earned 3 degrees. And all of this is coming out the week before OP is starting a program she's excited about. No way. She should go ahead with her plans. Do none of you unsupportive posters have daughters?

Another poster who agrees with this plan.

OP - I think you got folks sidetracked because they put this situation in the context of their own lives in which it really would be a financial cost-benefit analysis, and in that situation what you propose might not make sense. But for you and your family it isn't about the money at all - it's about prioritizing the needs and goals of both family members, and at some point your DH needs to step up and make it your turn.

I will say this - this type of negotiation sounds familiar to me, and I think like in salary negotiations there are gender dynamics that come into play. Your DH may not realize just how much you have put his needs first *because you just did it without making a big stink about it.* I think many women just support their spouse without massive prodding, and then are frustrated when they feel like it is their turn and in order to get the support they deserve they have to raise a huge ruckus. And I don't think either side is right or wrong here, just that the way the genders communicate is different.

In my case I'm learning to me more vocal about times when I am putting myself second in order to support my spouse (I do so willingly - just being vocal so I know he *sees* that I am making a sacrifice in that area and so he doesn't take it for granted / I don't resent him for that), and I am also learning to be OK with being more vocal and forceful in asking for what I need / asking him to put himself second at those times. Which hasn't come easily for me as I am conflict averse, but it has been so valuable. and has really improved ou marriage dynamic. Because I've learned that my husband really is serious when he says that he wants me to be happy and will support me in that - he just needs me to be very clear and forthright about what will actually accomplish that.

Listen I take exception to the claim that when one of the equal partners stays home they are putting the other partner "first" and putting themselves "second."

1. It could be said that the partner that is working is putting themselves "second" because they are sacrificing their personal time by going to work. Also the working parent doesn't get to be with the child.

2. Also, the whole claim of first and second is predicated on the assumption that certain work is less valuable. Working at home where the SAH person takes on the work of managing the household (paying bills, shopping, child care, etc.) is work and contributes to the success of the household just as much as the partner who brings in income by working outside the home. How can either one be considered to be "second" when they are both contributing the household. Keep in mind that this is the underlying principle upon which 50/50 slits of marital assists based. You can't claim that the SAH contributes 50% but then also say the work they do is not equal.

3. The whole idea of supporting the other persons career is also fallacious. The other persons career produces money which is a common asset to both partners (i.e. the money buys food for both people). By "supporting" the working spouse the SAH is supporting themselves! because if the working spouse is successful then the SAH benefits from that as well. How can you claim someone has been disadvantaged by doing things that benefit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

Lol -- non profit administration is the degree du jour for SAHMs these days. Every 3rd SAHM I know who needs to get back into the work force is pursuing it. I think it's bc they've been out for so long that the only things they can relate to anymore is volunteer work -- i.e. PTA; bake sales and the like -- so why not try to find a career with an organization that's entire mission is volunteer related, not profit related.

[Anonymous]

I don't totally agree, PP. I think that if one person who wants to be working outside the home decides not to do that in order to stay home and support the family, that person is DEFINITELY making a sacrifice. It might be a willing sacrifice, but it's still a sacrifice. I also think that it's 100% possible to have one spouse "supporting the other's career" because having a house stay home means that the spouse who works outside the home doesn't have to stay home with a sick kid/come home early to meet contractors/etc. If staying home in this context also means that you are giving up a career you like in order to stay home, then you are both sacrificing and supporting your spouse.

And any situation that involves choosing his job over your job is putting you second to him. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

Lol -- non profit administration is the degree du jour for SAHMs these days. Every 3rd SAHM I know who needs to get back into the work force is pursuing it. I think it's bc they've been out for so long that the only things they can relate to anymore is volunteer work -- i.e. PTA; bake sales and the like -- so why not try to find a career with an organization that's entire mission is volunteer related, not profit related.

The worst is when some overpriced diploma mill convinces people to spend a ridiculous amount of money on it (see also: law schools).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

Lol -- non profit administration is the degree du jour for SAHMs these days. Every 3rd SAHM I know who needs to get back into the work force is pursuing it. I think it's bc they've been out for so long that the only things they can relate to anymore is volunteer work -- i.e. PTA; bake sales and the like -- so why not try to find a career with an organization that's entire mission is volunteer related, not profit related.

The worst is when some overpriced diploma mill convinces people to spend a ridiculous amount of money on it (see also: law schools).

Yep. Though I don't understand why people get so blinded by I MUST GET ANOTHER DEGREE that they refuse to do any research. How hard is it to look at employment stats (with a critical eye that they can be pumped up to look better); talk to recent grads; go to events like the prospective MBA posting earlier did where she asked about salaries pre/post MBA for that school and found that no one even had a new job and many were SAHMs who thought the MBA was valuable for "contacts" to have coffee with!? Use Harvard/or whichever Ivy has your program for what you want to do -- as the bellwether and then see how far your school's stats are below that and then decide . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why am I thinking that this is one of those waste of time masters that DC area SAHMs LOVE to get -- public health; public policy; non profit administration etc. And at the end while you come out with "connections," you're still only looking at a 50k job. Strictly from an ROI perspective, it isn't worth paying 50k/yr for 2 yrs for a masters that will result in a 50k job.

+1

Or worse. There's a reason she refuses to say what it is.

Lol -- non profit administration is the degree du jour for SAHMs these days. Every 3rd SAHM I know who needs to get back into the work force is pursuing it. I think it's bc they've been out for so long that the only things they can relate to anymore is volunteer work -- i.e. PTA; bake sales and the like -- so why not try to find a career with an organization that's entire mission is volunteer related, not profit related.

This is so mean spirited, I don't even know what to say. I mean, it is mind blowingly mean, reductive, thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't totally agree, PP. I think that if one person who wants to be working outside the home decides not to do that in order to stay home and support the family, that person is DEFINITELY making a sacrifice. It might be a willing sacrifice, but it's still a sacrifice. I also think that it's 100% possible to have one spouse "supporting the other's career" because having a house stay home means that the spouse who works outside the home doesn't have to stay home with a sick kid/come home early to meet contractors/etc. If staying home in this context also means that you are giving up a career you like in order to stay home, then you are both sacrificing and supporting your spouse.

And any situation that involves choosing his job over your job is putting you second to him. It is what it is.

So your premise is when they prefer to work outside the home and they chose to stay home instead....
That may be a valid premise; however, most SAHM's I know preferred to be SAHM rather than work. It is only after the fact when the children are older or grown or when they decide to divorce that they begin to talk about their "sacrifice." Further; it works the other way around also.... when one person works when they would prefer to stay home they are definitely making a sacrifice. I know plenty of men (most in fact) that if given the chose of working or not working would prefer not working. They are therefore definitely making a sacrifice. Hummmm..... its almost like BOTH partners are making a sacrifice by putting themselves second.... so... who could be the one that is being put first??? How about the CHILD. WOW! yeah... that makes sense doesn't it..... could it possibly be that BOTH parents are making a sacrifice for the benefit of the CHILD? So the child has money for a house and food from the dad as well as attention and supervision from the mom. Hummm.... that is a staggering idea isn't it?

[Anonymous]

In the meantime, I can't work ... or go to school because I don't know when we'll have to move

This makes so sense. Op, you've lost your credibility, that you want to work. I think you going to school. It's more comfortable. More comfortable stalling.

Work or don't work but I'm not sure you get to put your family in debt.

Again, mention the degree