My Master's vs DH's job

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08/26/2016 13:50

Subject: My Master's vs DH's job

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you wait until you relocate and then go back to school?

Her husband has been at his job for only 6 months and already wants to quit, but in 3-6 months he will start looking and who knows how long it will take him to find something acceptable. By then she could have finished a year of her degree and move on to weekly intensives like she said. She shouldn't put her goals on hold indefinitely having already sacrificed while her husband earned 3 degrees. And all of this is coming out the week before OP is starting a program she's excited about. No way. She should go ahead with her plans. Do none of you unsupportive posters have daughters?

Another poster who agrees with this plan.

OP - I think you got folks sidetracked because they put this situation in the context of their own lives in which it really would be a financial cost-benefit analysis, and in that situation what you propose might not make sense. But for you and your family it isn't about the money at all - it's about prioritizing the needs and goals of both family members, and at some point your DH needs to step up and make it your turn.

I will say this - this type of negotiation sounds familiar to me, and I think like in salary negotiations there are gender dynamics that come into play. Your DH may not realize just how much you have put his needs first *because you just did it without making a big stink about it.* I think many women just support their spouse without massive prodding, and then are frustrated when they feel like it is their turn and in order to get the support they deserve they have to raise a huge ruckus. And I don't think either side is right or wrong here, just that the way the genders communicate is different.

In my case I'm learning to me more vocal about times when I am putting myself second in order to support my spouse (I do so willingly - just being vocal so I know he *sees* that I am making a sacrifice in that area and so he doesn't take it for granted / I don't resent him for that), and I am also learning to be OK with being more vocal and forceful in asking for what I need / asking him to put himself second at those times. Which hasn't come easily for me as I am conflict averse, but it has been so valuable. and has really improved ou marriage dynamic. Because I've learned that my husband really is serious when he says that he wants me to be happy and will support me in that - he just needs me to be very clear and forthright about what will actually accomplish that.

Listen I take exception to the claim that when one of the equal partners stays home they are putting the other partner "first" and putting themselves "second."

1. It could be said that the partner that is working is putting themselves "second" because they are sacrificing their personal time by going to work. Also the working parent doesn't get to be with the child.

2. Also, the whole claim of first and second is predicated on the assumption that certain work is less valuable. Working at home where the SAH person takes on the work of managing the household (paying bills, shopping, child care, etc.) is work and contributes to the success of the household just as much as the partner who brings in income by working outside the home. How can either one be considered to be "second" when they are both contributing the household. Keep in mind that this is the underlying principle upon which 50/50 slits of marital assists based. You can't claim that the SAH contributes 50% but then also say the work they do is not equal.

3. The whole idea of supporting the other persons career is also fallacious. The other persons career produces money which is a common asset to both partners (i.e. the money buys food for both people). By "supporting" the working spouse the SAH is supporting themselves! because if the working spouse is successful then the SAH benefits from that as well. How can you claim someone has been disadvantaged by doing things that benefit them?

PP you are quoting. I was not thinking of this in terms of the work / SAH dynamic though I can see how you would interpret it that way. Like many here I am looking at OPs situation through the lens of my own experience, and seeing this particular sticking point as reflecting of a more generic dynamic.

So for example OP is clearly putting herself second by being willing to move out of the area / away from family because her DH doesn't likes it here. In my family I have made similar sacrifices, and have learned that I need to really speak up about things like that so that my husband sees it / gives me credit for it and doesn't interpret it through his own lens, since for him the move is the desired outcome and thus no sacrifice at all. My DH is also very good about speaking up for his own needs in terms of downtime, pursuing dreams, etc., and I've learned that I need to follow his example in order to make that happen for myself.