what's the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this too, but I'll be waiting until my youngest is significantly older. Not fair to subject my kids to what will likely be difficult and disruptive.

I understand your hesitation - however, and this is just food for thought...

It could also make the process much better - having siblings that they can play with, be apart of, etc...

Could go both ways....

Just a thought!

[Anonymous]

I live in Ukraine and there are so many children in orphanages here. The conditions are deplorable for these kids because the orphanages have no money, and what money is donated is often "misdirected" into the pockets of corrupt admin. Also, the orphanage situation in Kiev is even worse--practically Dickensian at this point--now because orphanages from the war zones have been evacuated, and the kids packed into already under-funded Kiev institutions. These kids live in big, dreary institutions with no one-on-one adult love, and their lives are hellish.

I know somebody who works at a Christian program that works with these places, and I know other Americans here who volunteer at orphanages. They have told me that the plight of the older kids is dire because these kids are forced into "trade schools" (because the schools get government money, so they give "gifts" to orphanage directors in exchange for the directors forcing their older kids into these options). These schools prepare the kids for low wage jobs that might not even exist, and the majority of the girls end up dropping out and being taken advantage of by organized rings who pull them into the sex trade. The kids in the orphanages here receive sub par educations in any case, and they will never get back on track in life. It is horrific.

If I wanted to adopt, I would absolutely look into doing it in Ukraine, but I would be careful to do it with the guidance of one of the Americans here who can ensure that I would be getting the truth. Also, this is a very corrupt country, and if I wanted to adopt a child badly enough, I know that (right or wrong) there are specific individuals I know with the power to make the process easier and faster.

I would advise anyone to look into adopting from Ukraine. I would recommend coming to Kiev for a few weeks and trying to get into contact with Americans here who work with orphanages, and then allowing them to help you. Don't go through a Ukrainian orphanage with no local help from resident expats who know the country/system. You could make a real difference in a child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...

Maybe if you considered the child your child vs. your adopted child it would help. Not all kids who join a family through adoption have this. Its actually called attachment disorder, not detachment disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...

Maybe if you considered the child your child vs. your adopted child it would help. Not all kids who join a family through adoption have this. Its actually called attachment disorder, not detachment disorder.

Actually - I was referring to DETACHMENT disorder - which is the difficulty a child has at having trusting relationships with others because the bonds of trust that are formed between biological child and parent at birth and infancy aren't formed due to the biological parent giving up the child.

ARGH - I wish I could remember the title of the book - but there are several good books regarding DETACHMENT disorder that can provide perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...

Maybe if you considered the child your child vs. your adopted child it would help. Not all kids who join a family through adoption have this. Its actually called attachment disorder, not detachment disorder.

Actually - I was referring to DETACHMENT disorder - which is the difficulty a child has at having trusting relationships with others because the bonds of trust that are formed between biological child and parent at birth and infancy aren't formed due to the biological parent giving up the child.

ARGH - I wish I could remember the title of the book - but there are several good books regarding DETACHMENT disorder that can provide perspective.

That is a made up disorder and a bunch of nonsense. You have issues with you child and failed to bond and blame the biological parents. That is pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...

Maybe if you considered the child your child vs. your adopted child it would help. Not all kids who join a family through adoption have this. Its actually called attachment disorder, not detachment disorder.

Actually - I was referring to DETACHMENT disorder - which is the difficulty a child has at having trusting relationships with others because the bonds of trust that are formed between biological child and parent at birth and infancy aren't formed due to the biological parent giving up the child.

ARGH - I wish I could remember the title of the book - but there are several good books regarding DETACHMENT disorder that can provide perspective.

That is a made up disorder and a bunch of nonsense. You have issues with you child and failed to bond and blame the biological parents. That is pretty sad.

NP here. I think you're misunderstanding the poster. She/he is NOT an adoptive parent, but an adoptee who is giving perspective from that of an adopted child.

Look, I'm an adult adoptee too. I'm the first one to correct people when they describe their child as adopted in a situation where it makes no sense or is not needed. Yes, that's setting the child apart, and I greatly appreciate that others are on the lookout for this. However, in this case, it makes perfect sense to describe a child as adopted because that's the whole context of this conversation.

And...having said that, I myself did not have any issues, and neither does my child who joined our family through adoption, so it's not a given that there will be adoption issues, BUT it's wise to listen to adoptees' voices even if they differ from your own narrative because they're the ones who have the first hand experience.

[Anonymous]

There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

That is adoption rehoming and should be illegal. Basically families who adopted are offloading the kids as they don't feel like being a parent anymore. They may be physically health but have other issues, such as mental health/behavioral. They will have even more when they are given away and placed with another family. Some may be ok, but many of them will be traumatized for life. Same on those "parents."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

That is adoption rehoming and should be illegal. Basically families who adopted are offloading the kids as they don't feel like being a parent anymore. They may be physically health but have other issues, such as mental health/behavioral. They will have even more when they are given away and placed with another family. Some may be ok, but many of them will be traumatized for life. Same on those "parents."

OK, but these are legal adoptions and this organization is looking for better homes for these kids. The do home studies and all the rest. They do not do the "transfer of guardianship" crap you read about with "underground" rehoming.

There is no reason these kids should be in worse mental health than foster kids.

It is actually the case that some kids can't bond with the first family that adopts them, but then do better with someone else. Even kids have expectations that can't be met, and they are more realistic with another family.

So, if "rehoming" becomes illegal, then we just have more kids in foster care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

That is adoption rehoming and should be illegal. Basically families who adopted are offloading the kids as they don't feel like being a parent anymore. They may be physically health but have other issues, such as mental health/behavioral. They will have even more when they are given away and placed with another family. Some may be ok, but many of them will be traumatized for life. Same on those "parents."

OK, but these are legal adoptions and this organization is looking for better homes for these kids. The do home studies and all the rest. They do not do the "transfer of guardianship" crap you read about with "underground" rehoming.

There is no reason these kids should be in worse mental health than foster kids.

It is actually the case that some kids can't bond with the first family that adopts them, but then do better with someone else. Even kids have expectations that can't be met, and they are more realistic with another family.

So, if "rehoming" becomes illegal, then we just have more kids in foster care?

Quite frankly, we have made it easier to get rid of kids (for good reason - so that they don't end up in dumpsters)... Drop them off at any government facility, they aren't not allowed to ask any questions, and you are free of the child.

No reason to do anything illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

That is adoption rehoming and should be illegal. Basically families who adopted are offloading the kids as they don't feel like being a parent anymore. They may be physically health but have other issues, such as mental health/behavioral. They will have even more when they are given away and placed with another family. Some may be ok, but many of them will be traumatized for life. Same on those "parents."

OK, but these are legal adoptions and this organization is looking for better homes for these kids. The do home studies and all the rest. They do not do the "transfer of guardianship" crap you read about with "underground" rehoming.

There is no reason these kids should be in worse mental health than foster kids.

It is actually the case that some kids can't bond with the first family that adopts them, but then do better with someone else. Even kids have expectations that can't be met, and they are more realistic with another family.

So, if "rehoming" becomes illegal, then we just have more kids in foster care?

These kids will have far more trauma as many are foster kids or international adoptions. They have been adopted once, many have been in foster care and no stability and are again being given away. Often it is the family who cannot bond as the kids are older and can't be molded into their perfect child. If you read through the profiles many are Evangelicals or other Christians who "rescued" these kids only for them not to be the kids they imagined so they get rid of them. Its sad because if you read the profiles you see they are trying to put them into the same kind of family, the exact ones that didn't work. Some look neglected if you look at the teeth and other things and were just dressed up for pictures. Many will want to adopt these kids for the money as you read in the notes which ones come with money and which do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

That is adoption rehoming and should be illegal. Basically families who adopted are offloading the kids as they don't feel like being a parent anymore. They may be physically health but have other issues, such as mental health/behavioral. They will have even more when they are given away and placed with another family. Some may be ok, but many of them will be traumatized for life. Same on those "parents."

OK, but these are legal adoptions and this organization is looking for better homes for these kids. The do home studies and all the rest. They do not do the "transfer of guardianship" crap you read about with "underground" rehoming.

There is no reason these kids should be in worse mental health than foster kids.

It is actually the case that some kids can't bond with the first family that adopts them, but then do better with someone else. Even kids have expectations that can't be met, and they are more realistic with another family.

So, if "rehoming" becomes illegal, then we just have more kids in foster care?

Quite frankly, we have made it easier to get rid of kids (for good reason - so that they don't end up in dumpsters)... Drop them off at any government facility, they aren't not allowed to ask any questions, and you are free of the child.

No reason to do anything illegal.

Its not that simple usually. And, its easier just to give away the kids no questions asked. Government does ask questions and can go after you for child support or terminate your rights but then you can't adopt again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's this organization: https://www.facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions/

They are constantly looking for adoptive parents for children in the age range you describe. They are almost all physically healthy.

Those folks are getting a serious side-eye from me. What on earth? A private adoption that may or may not involve a home study and is illegal in at least 4 states?

[Anonymous]

HOLY FUCK. There's a girl there being rehomed who has been with her current family for a decade.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HOLY FUCK. There's a girl there being rehomed who has been with her current family for a decade.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??!!!

I can't believe this is legal.