what's the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child?
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Anonymous
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We're interested in adopting an older child--age range 6 to 9 or so.
I've looked into adoption several times over the past decade but have never officially started the process. At this point we're most interested in an older child. We're financially stable, early 40's, and have 2 kids of our own. We're both in the medical profession so we're okay with some medical needs but we don't have the desire to raise a chronically medically fragile child (no ventilators, feeding tubes, etc). I've poured over the children available to adopt through the foster care system multiple times and it seems like most if not all have some sort of major medical needs (i.e. they'll need life-long 1:1 care, will never walk, etc). I'd like to think we'll be okay with working through the attachment issues, etc that will come with adopting an older child. Or should I say, we'd be as good as anyone at it. We have a stable marriage, we're decent parents, etc. My husband is about the most patient and kind person I know. If you were looking to adopt an older child, where would you start? What countries are open at this point in time? Please be kind and don't crucify me in your responses. |
Anonymous
| I'm not crucifying you, I'm just being frank. There is no "easy" way. Older kids will almost always have psychological issues, and they'll need frequent and costly interventions. It's not fair to your 2 existing kids to change their lives in such a drastic way. |
Anonymous
| International adoption might be an option. You could check out the Department of State adoption page to research options. Agree with PP that it's very difficult to adopt an older child that doesn't have at least some psychological issues. I did adopt an older child from foster care. The adjustment was hard but in the long run, it's been fine for us. |
Anonymous
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You're right that most of the kids aged 6-9 in the foster care system have serious medical needs, but not all of them do. They will all have been through trauma, but some got better treatment and/or are more resilient than others. And you may find yourself able to deal with certain manifestations of trauma versus others (I couldn't handle an insomniac or a kid who hurt animals, but bedwetting and food issues are really not a big deal for me).
If the 6-9 age range is because you want the kid to be younger than your bio kids, you may also want to wait a bit and then consider slightly older kids. Lots of people want to adopt 7 year olds from foster care. Fewer will take an 11 year old, even though the older child might actually have fewer needs. In the DC area, Barker and Adoptions Together have programs for older child adoption from the foster care system. Another possibility is to become a foster parent and be open to adoption if the situation presents itself, but you have to be prepared for the child to go to biological family and to live with uncertainty for a long time. That's not for everyone, and it shouldn't be seen as an easy path to adoption. To your original question: the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child is for one of your relatives or friends to be incarcerated or very sick and to choose you to raise their kid. But who could wish for that? |
Anonymous
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We used Open Door Adoption in Georgia (the state, not the country) for our intl. adoption. They are a Christian organization, so work with Christian families.
I would second the PP who advised you to consider the impact to your existing family unit of an older child adoption. I would not do it unless your bio kids are older teens who are stable and have the maturity to weather the adjustment challenges. And there will be many. Older children come with their own histories---all of which contain loss and trauma. I would also consider adopting a sibling pair if possible. That way the adopted child won't feel quite so isolated. To understand the complex internal landscape of older child foster kids and adoptees, I would recommend watching the following short videos---Part I and Part II---each is about 10 minutes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0 They are excellent in showing the internal pain---often hidden---of foster kids, but are also applicable to older adoptees. I would add though, that older child adoption brings a sense of security and healing to these kids that foster care does not. The journey is long, the rewards immeasurable. When I walked into my 9 yo DD's first school performance after her arrival here, she started waving happily when she spotted my coat. I waved back, and then ducked for a moment so she wouldn't see me cry---because I realized that moment was the first time in her life she had ever had a parent come to see and support her. |
Anonymous
| Almost all older children available for adoption are "healthy". In adoption terms this means the child does not have any ongoing diagnosed physical medical condition. The child could have several mental, emotional and learning conditions though. |
Anonymous
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OP, the mental, emotional and learning difficulties children can have are often as much, if not far more, work than "just" dealing with a medically fragile child. If you don't have the resources for the one, you might not have the resources for the other.
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Anonymous
| Could you look at the Wednesday's Child program. It was founded by Dave Thimas, the founder of Wendy's. The kids they profile seem so sweet and really want a forever home. |
Anonymous
| I have a friend who is in the process of adopting a 12 year old from a Latin American country. He was introduced to his adoptive family through a summer stay program that enabled both sides to get to know each other. |
Anonymous
Wow! What a tearjerker watching the YouTube videos. I cried my eyes out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences pp. |
Anonymous
| Second Wednesday's Child. |
Anonymous
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International adoption would present some challenges but alleviate others. There have been real strides in de-institutionalization overseas over the past decade or so.
What this means is that you have kids who have been raised in foster care, or sort of a childrens' village, rather than a big impersonal orphanage, which helps with many of the issues around attachment. Of course, it is expensive, and the language/cultural issues are enormous, but I would be much more comfortable with an international adoption of an older child in 2016 than I could have been in 2006, given the changes in how those kids are treated. |
Anonymous
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Have you ever dealt with any behavioral/developmental challenges with your children? Having dealt with both behavioral/developmental and medical issues, I can say that medical issues are by far easier to deal with.
Any kid who is in the system at 6 or 9 is going to have some serious psychological and trauma issues to work through. You don't get to pick and chose which ones you have to deal with -- learning, attachment, aggression, acting out, etc etc ... If you are not prepared to give SERIOUS, developmentally appropriate support (including likely intensive work with the school, possible development of an IEP) then you are not ready. |
Anonymous
| Check out Barker Foundation's Project Wait No Longer, which focuses on older kids in domestic foster care. We're in the process of adopting with them and have been very impressed so far. Seems to be very professionally run and they have what seems like a terrific support network of parents and adoptees that are very active. |
Anonymous
| Check out JCAN if you are Jewish: http://jcan.qwestoffice.net/index.html |