what's the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child?

[Anonymous]

The ones that I have seen in my social circles that appear the most successful have been sibling groups.

[Anonymous]

I've heard when you adopt siblings groups as a benefit their in-state college is covered by the state too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've heard when you adopt siblings groups as a benefit their in-state college is covered by the state too.

This is really not true.
signed- one who has in fact adopted a sibling group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've heard when you adopt siblings groups as a benefit their in-state college is covered by the state too.

This is really not true.
signed- one who has in fact adopted a sibling group.

It depends on a bunch of factors and the state. Some states have it, but it has nothing to do with a sibling group. Its usually older/hard to place kids that have been in the system an extended time.

[Anonymous]

Even kids who are "healthy" or have "minor behavioral challenges" can in fact be a lot to deal with, especially if you've never parented before. And it is harder to find good counseling and support than I would have expected.

This is not to say people shouldn't do it. The kids need families. But it may not be as fun or as rewarding as you'd hope, at least not for a long while.

--someone currently in the trenches with older child foster-adoption.

[Anonymous]

to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

[Anonymous]

CFSA

[Anonymous]

I would so, so resent my mom and dad if they did this. Call me whatever names you want, but I really am just a nice normal person. I would have hated to have my happy stable home life disrupted.

[Anonymous]

We are adopting an 8yr old now from Virginia. Using Adoptions Together and they have been great and ensure you have a good support network. Just for those that were told you would have to go with age 10+, there are plenty of younger kids across the US. We were limiting the age range to 8 and sent out about 75 inquiries over about 4 weeks. A few we found out were medically fragile (very few) but most had issues related to trauma.

[Anonymous]

You may want to sit down and figure out what you can really handle I have family members adopted from foster care and have myself adopted you never really know what your getting into until you have the child some healthy kids can have issues undiagnosed some diagnosed children may be far easier then the profile states.

[Anonymous]

issues related to trauma =/= healthy. My kid is fairly physically healthy (takes no medicine, sees no specialists, could stand to lose a little weight, needed a cavity filled when he arrived) but we have multiple mental health appointments most weeks (at least therapy every week and trying to get OT for sensory stuff), lots of meetings and calls with school, and occasional police and crisis intervention situations at our house resulting in ER visits and, once, a psych hospitalization. This is a kid who was classified as having "mild" mental and health care needs and it's true--he' s never caused serious physical harm to anyone (just threats and bruises). But it is not what most people hope for when adopting. He isn't terrible all or even most of the time, but it's very different from the parenting experience of my friends with biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're interested in adopting an older child--age range 6 to 9 or so.
I've looked into adoption several times over the past decade but have never officially started the process.
At this point we're most interested in an older child. We're financially stable, early 40's, and have 2 kids of our own.
We're both in the medical profession so we're okay with some medical needs but we don't have the desire
to raise a chronically medically fragile child (no ventilators, feeding tubes, etc). I've poured over the children
available to adopt through the foster care system multiple times and it seems like most if not all have some sort of major medical needs
(i.e. they'll need life-long 1:1 care, will never walk, etc).
I'd like to think we'll be okay with working through the attachment issues, etc that will come with adopting an older child.
Or should I say, we'd be as good as anyone at it. We have a stable marriage, we're decent parents, etc. My husband is about the most
patient and kind person I know.

If you were looking to adopt an older child, where would you start? What countries are open at this point in time? Please
be kind and don't crucify me in your responses.

When you say easy - are you talking about the adoption process itself, or finding an easy child to raise - based on some of the responses, it seems folks are confused by what you are asking for...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:issues related to trauma =/= healthy. My kid is fairly physically healthy (takes no medicine, sees no specialists, could stand to lose a little weight, needed a cavity filled when he arrived) but we have multiple mental health appointments most weeks (at least therapy every week and trying to get OT for sensory stuff), lots of meetings and calls with school, and occasional police and crisis intervention situations at our house resulting in ER visits and, once, a psych hospitalization. This is a kid who was classified as having "mild" mental and health care needs and it's true--he' s never caused serious physical harm to anyone (just threats and bruises). But it is not what most people hope for when adopting. He isn't terrible all or even most of the time, but it's very different from the parenting experience of my friends with biological children.

I don't know if this helps PP - I hope it does.

I was adopted, along with my twin brother. We had great parents. But, we were like your child. We had a lot of issues.

It gets better. The best you can do, is parent them and hope that they figure it out. My parents and I went through some very difficult times.

Now - I am 36 by the way - but this started probably around late 20's, early 30's - we have a much better relationship.

It gets better is what I am trying to say I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning". You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is. The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine. Dinner is at 6:30. Every night. Around the table. As a family. We say grace. Bedtime at the same time, sharp. Routine creates security. Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...

[Anonymous]

I want to do this too, but I'll be waiting until my youngest is significantly older. Not fair to subject my kids to what will likely be difficult and disruptive.