Reply to what's the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child?

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "what's the easiest way to adopt a healthy older child?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]to 12:30 from someone who has also been in the trenches:
the best advice someone gave me when we did our older-child adoption was to think of it as a process of "re-patterning".  You are taking a child that has had no stability, inconsistent or non-existent love and affection, and thus has no baseline expectation of what a normal functional family life is.  The best thing was did was absolutely ruthless adherence to routine.  Dinner is at 6:30.  Every night.  Around the table.  As a family.  We say grace.   Bedtime at the same time, sharp.   Routine creates security.  Kids who have been used to chaos may struggle against it initially but will come to embrace it.[/quote]

I am an adopted child who had A LOT of issues -

Here is my advice when raising adopted children -

Look into cognitive behavior therapy - and not necessarily having your kids go - but take a look at the principles behind the therapy.

When babies are born they learn how to trust from their biological parents. Adopted children don't get this benefit. This is called detachment disorder.

Also, there is a lot of insecurity and fear - fear of abandonment - it happened once - it can happen again!

Insecurity - why did my parents give me up? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong?

Understand the mindset of an adopted child and parent accordingly.

Always remind them that you're not going anywhere! Remind them that no matter what, you love them... You have to build a trust that was supposed to happen through nature, and do it through nurture - which is why CBT helps - retooling the way they perceive themselves, the world, etc - teach them to trust and teach them to know they are worthy.

Just my two cents - and lots of my parents time, effort, blood, and money spent on raising me...[/quote]

Maybe if you considered the child your child vs. your adopted child it would help.  Not all kids who join a family through adoption have this.  Its actually called attachment disorder, not detachment disorder.[/quote]

Actually - I was referring to DETACHMENT disorder - which is the difficulty a child has at having trusting relationships with others because the bonds of trust that are formed between biological child and parent at birth and infancy aren't formed due to the biological parent giving up the child.

ARGH - I wish I could remember the title of the book - but there are several good books regarding DETACHMENT disorder that can provide perspective.[/quote]

That is a made up disorder and a bunch of nonsense.  [b]You have issues with you child and failed to bond and blame the biological parents.[/b]  That is pretty sad.  [/quote]

NP here.  I think you're misunderstanding the poster.  She/he is NOT an adoptive parent, but an adoptee who is giving perspective from that of an adopted child.

Look, I'm an adult adoptee too.  I'm the first one to correct people when they describe their child as adopted in a situation where it makes no sense or is not needed. Yes, that's setting the child apart, and I greatly appreciate that others are on the lookout for this. However, in this case, it makes perfect sense to describe a child as adopted because that's the whole context of this conversation.

And...having said that, I myself did not have any issues, and neither does my child who joined our family through adoption, so it's not a given that there will be adoption issues, BUT it's wise to listen to adoptees' voices even if they differ from your own narrative because they're the ones who have the first hand experience.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics