New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

My sil has a baby daddy that was in jail and has never held much as far as a job.
That said, he sees the child weekly and has always made an effort to see and know his child.
To me this is is a major red flag
He might be a nice guy but his actions even today show he has little interest in his child
It shows his character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband loves and wants to spend time with our child for his own sake, not just because he is married to me. Seeing a loving fatherly relationship, I would accept no less. OP, you don't have to either. You don't know how he would be if you have kids, but you do have one data point that isn't comforting, and you haven't been dating for that long.

I also find it very hard to believe that a man who has only visited his daughter ONCE a) sends $3500 a month and b) can make her believe that he'd be there for her if she needed him when he's not there any other time. But that's beside the point.

Give me a break. Is your husband a scared 21 year old?

No but neither is OP's boyfriend at this point. She says he was involved until they moved...but has only visited once in 8 or 9 years, despite making what sounds like a high enough income that the flight wouldn't break him. THAT is what I'm judging, not that he didn't marry the ex at 21 or something. You love your kid, you find ways to see your kid, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband loves and wants to spend time with our child for his own sake, not just because he is married to me. Seeing a loving fatherly relationship, I would accept no less. OP, you don't have to either. You don't know how he would be if you have kids, but you do have one data point that isn't comforting, and you haven't been dating for that long.

I also find it very hard to believe that a man who has only visited his daughter ONCE a) sends $3500 a month and b) can make her believe that he'd be there for her if she needed him when he's not there any other time. But that's beside the point.

Give me a break. Is your husband a scared 21 year old?

No but neither is OP's boyfriend at this point. She says he was involved until they moved...but has only visited once in 8 or 9 years, despite making what sounds like a high enough income that the flight wouldn't break him. THAT is what I'm judging, not that he didn't marry the ex at 21 or something. You love your kid, you find ways to see your kid, period.

Also want to add that dropping out of kid's life after getting to know them for a couple years is even harder to understand than not being involved with an infant. You KNOW them by then, and they know you.

[Anonymous]

He's a deadbeat dad and the FIRST thing that jumped out at me is the VERY unlikely amount of $3500 in CS so I'm assuming he's lying about that too (and felt vindicated when those were some of the first responses- seriously, so not likely, he's saying that to sound "better.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband loves and wants to spend time with our child for his own sake, not just because he is married to me. Seeing a loving fatherly relationship, I would accept no less. OP, you don't have to either. You don't know how he would be if you have kids, but you do have one data point that isn't comforting, and you haven't been dating for that long.

I also find it very hard to believe that a man who has only visited his daughter ONCE a) sends $3500 a month and b) can make her believe that he'd be there for her if she needed him when he's not there any other time. But that's beside the point.

Give me a break. Is your husband a scared 21 year old?

No but neither is OP's boyfriend at this point. She says he was involved until they moved...but has only visited once in 8 or 9 years, despite making what sounds like a high enough income that the flight wouldn't break him. THAT is what I'm judging, not that he didn't marry the ex at 21 or something. You love your kid, you find ways to see your kid, period.

Doesn't sound like he was very involved prior to the move. I think OP said he visited periodically. I'm not sure it's fair to say he should love the child when he was effectively just a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

No don't do that. You don't really know what's going on here and this is another woman and little girl's life. I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

[Anonymous]

If he has been paying the 3500 "since infancy" with no deviation, then the guy makes enough money to fly out there to see the kid, or fly the kid to him. He's not saying that he and the child have no relationship-- he says the daughter knows he is there for her at anytime. That doesn't change the fact that the scenario is highly unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely no excuses for him. Even if he was a scared 21 year old then, he is not that any more. Nope, no way I would ever be serious with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

THIS!!! Not only is he a bad father but the chances that he is truthful about the CS? I can't even express how unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with previous posters. The woman moved away to be near her sister. They were not together. Should have have moved to CA no questions asked? Genuinely curious.

Well, honestly? Yes. The guy was 23 when she moved to California. It's not like he had an established "life" here.

Even without moving, though, there are ways to stay involved in a child's life, even long distance.

[Anonymous]

I would proceed cautiously if I were you. I'd look for confirmation of $3500/month. I have twins and their Dad makes around $60k and he's paying $1100/mo so $3500/month is crazy money in CS. Does he have a lifestyle that seems to support that he could afford that level of CS? Does he own his own house? What kind of car? What are his hobbies? Does he have a career that generates over $500k/year. If that doesn't seem to fit the bill, does he have a trust fund?

All we really know is that the mom went to CA when the baby was young and your BF was in his early 20s. We don't know how often he did or didn't see the child before when she lived here. We don't know how often the child was made available to him to visit early on. We also don't know if he would have been able to keep his career if he had moved to CA. He could legitimately believe that it is in the child's best interest to stay in the background. And there could be legitimate reasons for him to believe that -- particularly if the mother made it difficult for him to be with the child.

Bottom line: If he's actually paying child support, I would continue to get to know him further. Assess his character and learn more about the situation and you'll figure out if he's feeding you a line of bull and is lazy --- or if this situation is genuine.

It's very easy for people on the outside of a situation like this to judge and say what they would do. But there are all sorts of factors that could have contributed to this situation. If you like him and he's good to you, then it's worth learning more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, he doesn't send 3500. I have two children and a mid-forties "C suite executive" ex husband who doesn't even pay that. A 22 year old wasn't sending 3500. He probably sends exactly nothing because he doesn't know a ballpark CS figure if he's throwing out $3500. I know another woman with 5 children and an ex who makes 500K+ and she receives less than that from her very generous ex spouse.

I'd run far and fast. Nothing, and I mean nothing, demonstrates bad character than an absentee father. Please, please get yourself away from this man.

Sorry OP, I'm thinking this as well. That number "since infancy" sounds completely wrong. I think he's lying about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

No don't do that. You don't really know what's going on here and this is another woman and little girl's life. I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

Lawyer again. There's a number of ways this could be accurate on an income of far less than $20K monthly net including, for example, if the child has special needs. See also my example above about daycare and the CP being in school. We also have no idea what state the order is in and when, if ever, it was last modified.

Getting down to brass tacks, it's really hard to dodge child support if you're a regular wage earner, especially if you have a high-paying job so I find it unlikely she didn't come after him for a contribution of some sort. I do think it's worth doing some due diligence and verifying that the $3,500 amount is accurate if you choose to proceed with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

No don't do that. You don't really know what's going on here and this is another woman and little girl's life. I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

Lawyer again. There's a number of ways this could be accurate on an income of far less than $20K monthly net including, for example, if the child has special needs. See also my example above about daycare and the CP being in school. We also have no idea what state the order is in and when, if ever, it was last modified.

Getting down to brass tacks, it's really hard to dodge child support if you're a regular wage earner, especially if you have a high-paying job so I find it unlikely she didn't come after him for a contribution of some sort. I do think it's worth doing some due diligence and verifying that the $3,500 amount is accurate if you choose to proceed with him.

Ok but lawyer, as a reasonable person what is more likely:

The daughter he never sees has special needs he didn't mention that warrant $3500 a month since infancy

Or

He's lying

Cmon!

[Anonymous]

My parents were 20 and 22 when I was born, both still in college. They managed to parent me, no matter how scared and immature they were. They got their shit together and raised their child.