New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

I would also like to know lawyer do you have any clients paying $3500 for one kid in child support and if so, what is their income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

No don't do that. You don't really know what's going on here and this is another woman and little girl's life. I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

Lawyer again. There's a number of ways this could be accurate on an income of far less than $20K monthly net including, for example, if the child has special needs. See also my example above about daycare and the CP being in school. We also have no idea what state the order is in and when, if ever, it was last modified.

Getting down to brass tacks, it's really hard to dodge child support if you're a regular wage earner, especially if you have a high-paying job so I find it unlikely she didn't come after him for a contribution of some sort. I do think it's worth doing some due diligence and verifying that the $3,500 amount is accurate if you choose to proceed with him.

Ok but lawyer, as a reasonable person what is more likely:

The daughter he never sees has special needs he didn't mention that warrant $3500 a month since infancy

Or

He's lying

Cmon!

I find it unlikely that he's not paying anything as some posters have suggested. It is highly unlikely given how easy it is to go after people that have W-2 jobs an garnish their wages. In many states this can be done for free through DCSE and some states even have an attorney that assists with the process. OTOH, $3,500 does seem high, but again, not knowing which state this is in or any of the circumstances of either party I really have no idea.

The larger point is that this is so easily verifiable that it's really pointless to sit here and speculate about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 29, female. Have been dating a 32 year old man for 4 months, so it is still very new but given our ages and frequency of seeing each other, it's starting to get serious.
He disclosed to me at the very beginning that he has an 11 year old daughter that lives in California with her mother. I didn't ask too many questions at first, but as time goes on, I feel more comfortable sort of 'getting the whole story' without being nosey.
He was 21, new gf 'messed up' birth control. Gets pregnant. He is young and not expecting this.
He is in the babies life for the first couple years, but not together with the gf anymore, so his visits with the baby were merely visits. After those first two years, she moves to California with the baby to be closer to her sister.

He has been out there once. They come here about once every other year. So he never sees his daughter, never talks to her. She knows about her dad and who her dad is. I think they skype twice a year. He has contributed financially but that's it (has sent them $3.5k/ month since infancy). He describes it as.... Not wanting to interject into their lives. He wasn't 'with' the mom anymore and at the age of 23 was not about to move his entire life to California to sort of 'be there' when they were already starting a new family unit. I get that.

But, I'm just not sure what to think of this. Naive me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But mature me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand. Part of me thinks he's being lazy - he kind of shrugs it off and almost acts like he's doing her a favor by not putting too much effort in seeing her. I see this as a red flag. What kind of husband and father would he be now? The other part of me knows that people grow and change and improve and I obviously can't make any assumptions, I don't know him THAT well yet.

Any words of wisdom?

I can't speak from personal experience, but if I was shelling out 3.5K a month to support someone, I would insist on at least seeing them more often. Maybe he truly does feel she's better off without him. If so, that is sad. Someday he will start a family unit of his own (with you or someone else) and he will likely want to draw her into that. He needs to start mending the fences now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also like to know lawyer do you have any clients paying $3500 for one kid in child support and if so, what is their income?

See above re: CP not working but in school and NCP paying for daycare + child support. I don't recall the exact amount of income, something like $160K. Again, this was under NY guidelines and it's really the daycare that increases the child support amount. It wasn't $3,500 a month but it was over $3K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were 25 or 26 it would be a no brainer to drop him and move on, but at 29 you're running out of time. Might have to accept it and keep him.

A 29 year old is not running out of time. That's nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to see what all of you - and your husbands, especially - would have done in this guy's position at 21.

So much holier-than-thou in this post. Wow.

[Anonymous]

He sounds a bit like my ex although my ex isn't THAT bad. At least he attempts to be a part of our child's life. Run far away. Yes, young people can be irresponsible but he isn't young anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that child knows her father is not there for her. That is a horrible way to live. I could not date someone who is that way. Sorry.

This. My BIL did this. Ditching your daughter is one of the most horrible things you can do. At least he pays child support. My BIL doesn't even do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

I thought maybe he didn't have enough cash to go visit, but if he's really paying this much, he has plenty. There is something to be said for not disrupting a kid's life, but he could get a hotel for a few weeks or so near her house and see her. And fly out near New Years to see her (give Christmas to mom). And so on. I'd want to see a little more effort, though honestly it is difficult with that much distance. But certainly not impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

+1 My friend's husband has a child from a relationship when he was around 21. He didn't even know about the child for several years, mother moved away, she has her own life there, stepfather fills the dad role, they don't want bio dad involved at all. He respects their boundaries, stays in touch and is there if child (now an adult) wants to connect further but this is the situation mom set up. My friend and her DH have been married 15 years and he's a super-involved dad to their three children.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading, encourage him to go visit more. Or Skype more. See what he does. My husband saw his kids regularly before me (EOWeekend plus one weeknight), but I've encouraged more and he's now doing more. You could be good for both of them. But see if he's willing.

[Anonymous]

It was horrible for the mother to take the child a move to CA leaving the father of her child behind. She did this not the father.