How to deal with the sting of infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

No. Seriously. We don't. I just don't have the empathy. I don't really know what is wrong. I went looking for somebody to be able to love, and I found it. It was glorious. And then it imploded. And so then I was right back where I started, pre-affair.

Except you proved yourself to be a despicable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

No. Seriously. We don't. I just don't have the empathy. I don't really know what is wrong. I went looking for somebody to be able to love, and I found it. It was glorious. And then it imploded. And so then I was right back where I started, pre-affair.

Except you proved yourself to be a despicable person.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

And this is my fault?

???

There is no point in assigning blame now. What's done is done. My point is males tend to be more possessive than females in general. If you're a manly man (as opposed to some gutless wonder), it will be very difficult for you to get over the thoughts of your wife and another male. When I say very difficult, I'm being generous. More like next to impossible. What happened is bound to be part of your and your wife's relationship forever. It sucks, no matter who's at fault. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

OP - you sound like a very level-headed person and I don't envy your pain right now. And I am sorry but you will never look at her the same way. You may or may not separate but it may help to think that your marriage, pre-affair, is over. You're in a "new" marriage now with someone you thought you trusted, and it may work out, depending on whether your wife is remorseful and wants to reconcile. But so far, she seems to want to blame you for her "mistake".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

And this is my fault?

???

There is no point in assigning blame now. What's done is done. My point is males tend to be more possessive than females in general. If you're a manly man (as opposed to some gutless wonder), it will be very difficult for you to get over the thoughts of your wife and another male. When I say very difficult, I'm being generous. More like next to impossible. What happened is bound to be part of your and your wife's relationship forever. It sucks, no matter who's at fault. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I rarely assign things a deep biological truth, but here I really do believe that there's some evolutionary component at work in the iguana brain or something. I do believe that men can be disgusted by infidelity at a primal level that relates to procreation. Honestly, I don't usually go there. But, on this one, I kinda understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

And this is my fault?

???

There is no point in assigning blame now. What's done is done. My point is males tend to be more possessive than females in general. If you're a manly man (as opposed to some gutless wonder), it will be very difficult for you to get over the thoughts of your wife and another male. When I say very difficult, I'm being generous. More like next to impossible. What happened is bound to be part of your and your wife's relationship forever. It sucks, no matter who's at fault. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

This is true whether it's the man or the woman who cheats. It becomes part of your history. The question is whether you as a couple can work through the problems that led to that point or not. And whether both parties want to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I commend you on trying. Someone needs to tell you that you are already... HAVE already... been doing a lot. It takes a lot of work to stay and try to make it right again. So good job.

Second, it's only been 4 months. You're in a hellish place, my friend, and 4 months is very little time actually. It's perfectly normal for you to be boiling with rage or completely depressed over this. Seriously. Give yourself a break.

From my own experience, and the stories of many others, and my therapist's own words, it seems like it takes about a year to get off the ledge. And then at least another 4-6 months after that to actually notice the next step. And another 6 months to functioning intimacy and regained trust. Basically 2 years. Hang in there.

Do you think this is true for both physical and emotional affairs? I am a DW and I am having a lot of trouble moving past my husband's emotional affair. Mainly because he won't take any responsibility for doing something inappropriate. It's been 7 months since I found out.

A physical affair can be a drunken one-night stand but an emotional affair takes a lot of time, energy and emotion. So yes, I can see why you're having trouble moving past this. How long was your husband's EA? Did he say "we're just friends" or did he admit some feelings for her? Did he break it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

And this is my fault?

???

There is no point in assigning blame now. What's done is done. My point is males tend to be more possessive than females in general. If you're a manly man (as opposed to some gutless wonder), it will be very difficult for you to get over the thoughts of your wife and another male. When I say very difficult, I'm being generous. More like next to impossible. What happened is bound to be part of your and your wife's relationship forever. It sucks, no matter who's at fault. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

This is true whether it's the man or the woman who cheats. It becomes part of your history. The question is whether you as a couple can work through the problems that led to that point or not. And whether both parties want to try.

It is a part but it can be a small part. Right now, 4 months in ... it is a huge part.

But, depending on how long you have been together, it is a small part. Are you going to really replace every happy memory with this .... momentary lapse of reason (if it is). If it is more than a momentary lapse of reason... there is lots of work FOR YOUR WIFE TO DO. This is not about you.

Your wife is not the woman you thought she was, and now you need to find out if you want to stay with her, with her flaws (minus affairs hopefully).

1st: you wife needs therapy, she needs to understand why she deals with disappointment and the stress of life with affairs, and then you need to decide if she is your future.

then... if you decide she is part of your future you need to do just that, build a new future. Right now your vision of the future is shattered, you don't know what your future looks like... right now it includes possibly divorce, possibly unhappy marriage, possibly more affairs, .... but if your future included your wife becoming a person you can love and respect and raising you child in a stable loving home... it is worth the gamble (IMHO).

It's 4 months in... you don't have to say 100% I am staying, you can say, I will stay right now if you are committed to understanding why you did this and are committed to healing the pain you caused.

Then in 6 months reevaluate. Then a year later, reevaluated again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.

She felt "detached" emotionally. It can't be physical. I'm in great shape. I tend to focus on work a lot and kid as well. Her excuse is neglect of her feelings. She said I was always shooting down her ideas as stupid or not feasible.

This is called "the rationalization hamster" spinning in its wheel.

The bottom line is you were not making her vajayjay wet. Some other guy made it wet. Now she has to go back and rewrite history so that this is all your fault, because otherwise she'd have to conclude she is a bad person who is ruled by her vajayjay.

This is crude but gets right to the point. The rationalization, the "working on it," all that makes me smile sadly. In essence, it all comes down to biology. Unlike the PP upstream, I "go there" all the time, iguana brain and all. I truly believe that life will find a way no matter the restrictions society places on it.

I disagree this makes the wife a bad person. I'd rather not assign the good/bad values to what is a natural behavior in humans. This is a sad situation, especially in the light of the fact that a minor child is involved. But don't expect humans to be superhuman. Cool if they are, okay if they're not.

OP, surrender. Whatever you find this means to you. This sucks, but it's not the worst thing in life by far.

--a female

[Anonymous]

How long did her affair go on? And how did you find out? How has she demonstrated to you that it's over?

[Anonymous]

In all honesty you don't have to stay married to your wife if doing so will only give you daily pain.
This IS a free country & nobody is dictated to live a certain type of life.

I was cheated on before + I totally relate how such a visual can stick in your mind, poisoning it so much that it actually makes it impossible to be intimate w/your wife.

It is reality. She let him see her fully naked. And she probably moaned the same way she did w/you.
She also let him touch her and kiss her in places that were sacred to you.

Sooner or later, that visual will create a huge gamut of feelings:

• Anger
• Betrayal
• Deception
• Jealousy
• Malice
• Numbness
etc.

It's no walk in the park taking back someone who was unfaithful to you.
And it definitely is not for the faint of heart.

Some individuals are emotionally equipped to handle the intense pain while others would rather not just move on, but also move away from such a painful betrayal of the heart + soul.

Only YOU can decide which category you fall in.

Good luck. I hope you find a good path for yourself real soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I commend you on trying. Someone needs to tell you that you are already... HAVE already... been doing a lot. It takes a lot of work to stay and try to make it right again. So good job.

Second, it's only been 4 months. You're in a hellish place, my friend, and 4 months is very little time actually. It's perfectly normal for you to be boiling with rage or completely depressed over this. Seriously. Give yourself a break.

From my own experience, and the stories of many others, and my therapist's own words, it seems like it takes about a year to get off the ledge. And then at least another 4-6 months after that to actually notice the next step. And another 6 months to functioning intimacy and regained trust. Basically 2 years. Hang in there.

Do you think this is true for both physical and emotional affairs? I am a DW and I am having a lot of trouble moving past my husband's emotional affair. Mainly because he won't take any responsibility for doing something inappropriate. It's been 7 months since I found out.

A physical affair can be a drunken one-night stand but an emotional affair takes a lot of time, energy and emotion. So yes, I can see why you're having trouble moving past this. How long was your husband's EA? Did he say "we're just friends" or did he admit some feelings for her? Did he break it off?

I wanted to reply to DW above about moving past husband's emotional affair. I agree with the response that it takes much time and energy, and it takes it away from the primary relationship! I wanted her to know that I have experienced the exact same thing. My husband said, after I discovered what was going on 1) "We're Just Friends," 2) "I didn't mean to hurt you' 3)"I didn't think this would be such a problem" (!!!!really?). It has now been four years since discovery. Before that was over 2 years of suspicion. I have gone to counseling for over a year now by myself, to someone who specializes in this. Nothing physical happened but he essentially fell in love with her. After discovery, he continued to work with her for two more years. That was very hard. I was pretty much crying every day all day. He made no effort to have me visit his workplace or meet her. During this period of time, she Married and Divorced ! I feel it was because my husband was treating her better than her own husband.
I secretly got into his email because he would not share it. I discovered his password and downloaded all their correspondence for 6 years ! I compiled it into a pdf and when I start to forget, I re-read it and get mad all over again. From the exchanges you can see the affair building up, then discovery, and then two more years of winding down. Now he doesn't see her or interact anymore with her. But I am permanently suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Six years? Wow, that is mind-blowing.

But you know, he didn't delete any.

What were the messages like? Did it ever get sexual or inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.

She felt "detached" emotionally. It can't be physical. I'm in great shape. I tend to focus on work a lot and kid as well. Her excuse is neglect of her feelings. She said I was always shooting down her ideas as stupid or not feasible.

This is called "the rationalization hamster" spinning in its wheel.

The bottom line is you were not making her vajayjay wet. Some other guy made it wet. Now she has to go back and rewrite history so that this is all your fault, because otherwise she'd have to conclude she is a bad person who is ruled by her vajayjay.

This is crude but gets right to the point. The rationalization, the "working on it," all that makes me smile sadly. In essence, it all comes down to biology. Unlike the PP upstream, I "go there" all the time, iguana brain and all. I truly believe that life will find a way no matter the restrictions society places on it.

I disagree this makes the wife a bad person. I'd rather not assign the good/bad values to what is a natural behavior in humans. This is a sad situation, especially in the light of the fact that a minor child is involved. But don't expect humans to be superhuman. Cool if they are, okay if they're not.

OP, surrender. Whatever you find this means to you. This sucks, but it's not the worst thing in life by far.

--a female

Wow - now there is a defense. I'm sorry your honor I'm can't control my base animal urges and can do whatever I damn well like. I can however use my high level cognitive BS center to attach a rationale,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I commend you on trying. Someone needs to tell you that you are already... HAVE already... been doing a lot. It takes a lot of work to stay and try to make it right again. So good job.

Second, it's only been 4 months. You're in a hellish place, my friend, and 4 months is very little time actually. It's perfectly normal for you to be boiling with rage or completely depressed over this. Seriously. Give yourself a break.

From my own experience, and the stories of many others, and my therapist's own words, it seems like it takes about a year to get off the ledge. And then at least another 4-6 months after that to actually notice the next step. And another 6 months to functioning intimacy and regained trust. Basically 2 years. Hang in there.

Do you think this is true for both physical and emotional affairs? I am a DW and I am having a lot of trouble moving past my husband's emotional affair. Mainly because he won't take any responsibility for doing something inappropriate. It's been 7 months since I found out.

A physical affair can be a drunken one-night stand but an emotional affair takes a lot of time, energy and emotion. So yes, I can see why you're having trouble moving past this. How long was your husband's EA? Did he say "we're just friends" or did he admit some feelings for her? Did he break it off?

I wanted to reply to DW above about moving past husband's emotional affair. I agree with the response that it takes much time and energy, and it takes it away from the primary relationship! I wanted her to know that I have experienced the exact same thing. My husband said, after I discovered what was going on 1) "We're Just Friends," 2) "I didn't mean to hurt you' 3)"I didn't think this would be such a problem" (!!!!really?). It has now been four years since discovery. Before that was over 2 years of suspicion. I have gone to counseling for over a year now by myself, to someone who specializes in this. Nothing physical happened but he essentially fell in love with her. After discovery, he continued to work with her for two more years. That was very hard. I was pretty much crying every day all day. He made no effort to have me visit his workplace or meet her. During this period of time, she Married and Divorced ! I feel it was because my husband was treating her better than her own husband.
I secretly got into his email because he would not share it. I discovered his password and downloaded all their correspondence for 6 years ! I compiled it into a pdf and when I start to forget, I re-read it and get mad all over again. From the exchanges you can see the affair building up, then discovery, and then two more years of winding down. Now he doesn't see her or interact anymore with her. But I am permanently suspicious.

I am the person who asked the question. I am also the OP of the "selfies from someone other than your spouse" thread. I have invested so much time in trying to heal, that I am mad. When it was all fun and games for him. His EA ("we're just friends") went on for nearly 2 years before I found out. They are still in contact via work, but supposedly very little. They work in the same office, but their work is not related. But there are some company wide things that involve them both. There was NO reason for the INSANE amount of texting/selfies going back and forth between them. No work issues. "Just friends." He has apologized (to shut me up), but still sees nothing wrong with texting like a giddy school girl at all hours of the day and night, all the while keeping me in the dark. I'll bet the OP of this PA thread is also pissed that his spouse set out for fun and games, and now he has to pick up his broken pieces, for the rest of his life.