How to deal with the sting of infidelity

[Anonymous]

MikeL wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It IS possible to get past this. It may not be the right choice for you, but it is possible to overcome infidelity. You have to both be willing to do the work, and you have to be able to process your feelings. Get to counseling STAT and start figuring this out.

Remember, divorce isn't any easier emotionally.

We're already doing that. And I go separately. My kid is 6. She knows something isn't right, but I try to put up a good facade.

This is the right thing to do, the individual therapy and as a couple.
It takes time. Not forever, but it's not instant, either.

Still can't get that thought out of my head...

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.

[Anonymous]

I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.

Thanks, and I do keep in shape and am very fit. I'm trying to get more activities in to forget. Here's the thing, I lay down at night and it starts coming up in my head. Most nights, I have to leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch because I can't lay next to her and not visualize what they did.

I know I'm worth more than this, but like you said, the thought of breaking up my family makes me sad. The thing is, I know if I get divorced I get screwed out of seeing my kid. I'll never get fair custody as I sometimes pull shift work. But I least I always get to see my kid before I leave on those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

+ 1

+2

I have to admit, I thought it was no big deal until It Happened To Me.

I found out almost three weeks ago and have been waking up in the middle of the night and having nightmares (both related and not to the cheating).

I think therapy is important to help you process your own feelings about it and gain clarity on how you want to move foreward. Do you want to stay married? It's a shitty situation, for sure. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long ago did you find out?

About four months ago. So it's been a little while.

Four months is not very long in matters such as this.

For most they have to make forgiveness a daily ritual and work on focusing on something beyond the past. Because the images that come to you are as they are it is an indication you are still holding onto the pain. You can choose, and it is a choice, to release that. Once you have chosen to let it go, and doing so one time won't be enough, there will be other things you will need to do but none of those will really help you without first making that choice.

One thing further. If you love your wife and you love your family as it is, whole and in one household, begin to focus on that each day. Start a gratitude journal where your wife and family is concerned. Make it very personal and include how she, and they, make you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.

Thanks, and I do keep in shape and am very fit. I'm trying to get more activities in to forget. Here's the thing, I lay down at night and it starts coming up in my head. Most nights, I have to leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch because I can't lay next to her and not visualize what they did.[u]

I know I'm worth more than this, but like you said, the thought of breaking up my family makes me sad. The thing is, I know if I get divorced I get screwed out of seeing my kid. I'll never get fair custody as I sometimes pull shift work. But I least I always get to see my kid before I leave on those days.

It's a hard thing to cope with and to add to the confusion and pain it's not uncommon for men to eroticize it. To actually get turned on by it.

[Anonymous]

I firmly believe that it is much more difficult for a man to get over an affair than a woman for some of the reasons that OP mentions. For men, it is the vision, for women, they worry about their partner falling in love with another woman. We are just wired differently. As men, we wonder what the other guy had. Was he more macho? More skilled? For all you know he is a dweeb who could barely get it up but in your mind, it's different.

I'm just a guy on the internet but you are mentally killing yourself. Is it possible to separate - stay at a friend or family member's place for a while? You need space. You are driving yourself crazy with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.

No. Seriously. We don't. I just don't have the empathy. I don't really know what is wrong. I went looking for somebody to be able to love, and I found it. It was glorious. And then it imploded. And so then I was right back where I started, pre-affair.

[Anonymous]

No advice.

If my husband cheated and I found out, I would file for divorce. God forgives, I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice.

If my husband cheated and I found out, I would file for divorce. God forgives, I don't.

OP here.

I would have said the same thing. It's different when it happens for real

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice.

If my husband cheated and I found out, I would file for divorce. God forgives, I don't.

+2

A very powerful sign of disrespect. As a women I'm not tolerating that level of disrespect. I'm not desperate to have a man in the house so bad and I certainly won't allow my kids around such a man learning that type of behavior. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

First, I commend you on trying. Someone needs to tell you that you are already... HAVE already... been doing a lot. It takes a lot of work to stay and try to make it right again. So good job.

Second, it's only been 4 months. You're in a hellish place, my friend, and 4 months is very little time actually. It's perfectly normal for you to be boiling with rage or completely depressed over this. Seriously. Give yourself a break.

From my own experience, and the stories of many others, and my therapist's own words, it seems like it takes about a year to get off the ledge. And then at least another 4-6 months after that to actually notice the next step. And another 6 months to functioning intimacy and regained trust. Basically 2 years. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice.

If my husband cheated and I found out, I would file for divorce. God forgives, I don't.

OP here.

I would have said the same thing. It's different when it happens for real

+2