How to deal with the sting of infidelity

[Anonymous]

Found out my DW had an affair with a "friend". I had suspected something was up. One day her alarm kept going off in her phone while she left it at home accident my and it was driving me nuts. I went to silence it and saw messages from her friend thanking her for a wonderful night "babe" and couldn't wait until their next time out. She had lied about her whereabouts and when confronted she admitted it. It was fleeting and they had sex. We tried to work it out and go through this. Counciling and the whole gambit. Last week she tried to initiate sex and I was up for the idea, but once we started all I could think about was her touching him, them kissing, him making her moan and her doing things she should only do to me. I immediately felt so sad and had to stop.

I have to admit, I don't think I can do this. I mean, I'm trying to forgive but I can't get that picture out of mind. She's truly remorseful and I can see that. I just can't get over this. I get sick to my stomach thinking about them.

[Anonymous]

Either get a good therapist for yourself or break-up.

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

It IS possible to get past this. It may not be the right choice for you, but it is possible to overcome infidelity. You have to both be willing to do the work, and you have to be able to process your feelings. Get to counseling STAT and start figuring this out.

Remember, divorce isn't any easier emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It IS possible to get past this. It may not be the right choice for you, but it is possible to overcome infidelity. You have to both be willing to do the work, and you have to be able to process your feelings. Get to counseling STAT and start figuring this out.

Remember, divorce isn't any easier emotionally.

We're already doing that. And I go separately. My kid is 6. She knows something isn't right, but I try to put up a good facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men rarely can get over infidelity. Break up.

And this is my fault?

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have to put up a facade. Really. Part of processing this is that she needs to HEAR how you are feeling. She needs to hear that you have these images of her affair popping into your head. She needs to own that. Until you are telling her, it isn't going to improve.

[Anonymous]

Hit the gym, lawyer up, delete facebook.

Worst part, she can't keep her legs closed and you're going to get stuck never seeing your kid anymore. It's going to suck OP, that's no lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have to put up a facade. Really. Part of processing this is that she needs to HEAR how you are feeling. She needs to hear that you have these images of her affair popping into your head. She needs to own that. Until you are telling her, it isn't going to improve.

I think the OP meant they're keeping up appearances around the kid.

[Anonymous]

Is your own therapist not helping? Maybe get a different one. Otherwise, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your own therapist not helping? Maybe get a different one. Otherwise, what's the point?

I would agree with this. Why do to therapy? You didn't commit infidelity, she did. What are they going to do, talk you into forgiving her?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. A therapist can help you process all the emotions you are experiencing. It is worth trying to work with one individually to heal your pain no matter what you end up doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long ago did you find out?

[MikeL]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It IS possible to get past this. It may not be the right choice for you, but it is possible to overcome infidelity. You have to both be willing to do the work, and you have to be able to process your feelings. Get to counseling STAT and start figuring this out.

Remember, divorce isn't any easier emotionally.

We're already doing that. And I go separately. My kid is 6. She knows something isn't right, but I try to put up a good facade.

This is the right thing to do, the individual therapy and as a couple.
It takes time. Not forever, but it's not instant, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long ago did you find out?

About four months ago. So it's been a little while.