How to deal with the sting of infidelity

[Anonymous]

I am responding here to 20:43 with some more insight/info on my situation. In my case we are married over 30 years and I never thought anything like this would ever happen. However what let to complacency was that his workplace was always 99% MEN. Then due to all this diversity crap, they started getting more young women into every conceivable position to get the "numbers" up. All of a sudden he has a young intern sitting in his office all day. Then all these young women stopping by to talk. Etc Etc. Soon all I am hearing about is these women's lives ! Of course my husband never mentions me or my accomplishments. How about the fact that I made more than him for our early years and bought us our house? Then all of a sudden a totally male business trip turns into one where this woman comes along and then he is totally infatuated with her, talking to me about marrying her ! I am on an even keel now 4 years later but my devotion has waned considerably. I always wondered how husbands could throw over their wives keeping everything together at home and now it happened to me. Another contributing factor was that we live over an hour from his job so I have never met any of these people or their families. There are no company get togethers. My husband was not prepared emotionally for all these women coming into his workplace and the smartphones, etc. exacerbated all of this with the constant texting. I was left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am responding here to 20:43 with some more insight/info on my situation. In my case we are married over 30 years and I never thought anything like this would ever happen. However what let to complacency was that his workplace was always 99% MEN. Then due to all this diversity crap, they started getting more young women into every conceivable position to get the "numbers" up. All of a sudden he has a young intern sitting in his office all day. Then all these young women stopping by to talk. Etc Etc. Soon all I am hearing about is these women's lives ! Of course my husband never mentions me or my accomplishments. How about the fact that I made more than him for our early years and bought us our house? Then all of a sudden a totally male business trip turns into one where this woman comes along and then he is totally infatuated with her, talking to me about marrying her ! I am on an even keel now 4 years later but my devotion has waned considerably. I always wondered how husbands could throw over their wives keeping everything together at home and now it happened to me. Another contributing factor was that we live over an hour from his job so I have never met any of these people or their families. There are no company get togethers. My husband was not prepared emotionally for all these women coming into his workplace and the smartphones, etc. exacerbated all of this with the constant texting. I was left out.

Riiiighht. How horrible your husband should work with women! Why are you blaming the women and not your husband?

[Anonymous]

Your husband cheated because he gave himself permission to do so. All of us have opportunities to cheat. We each decide whether to be faithful to our spouse or not. Cheating is not a one time incident ... a "mistake". It is a series of decisions that lead a person down a known path. Grownups can tell when they are making those decisions and they are fully aware that they are not telling their spouse about them.

How to deal with the sting of infidelity? Decide for yourself what YOU are willing to tolerate. Is it okay for your spouse to lie to you? Is it okay for your spouse to give himself permission to "go there" with another woman? Do you trust him now that you know he is capable of making selfish decisions despite his full knowledge that what he is doing would be deeply hurtful to you? You deserve much better. I suggest you get a good lawyer, file, and get started on living the rest of your new life. Or you can waste the next 20 years of your life (as I did) and THEN get a good lawyer, file, and get started living the rest of your new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband cheated because he gave himself permission to do so. All of us have opportunities to cheat. We each decide whether to be faithful to our spouse or not. Cheating is not a one time incident ... a "mistake". It is a series of decisions that lead a person down a known path. Grownups can tell when they are making those decisions and they are fully aware that they are not telling their spouse about them.

How to deal with the sting of infidelity? Decide for yourself what YOU are willing to tolerate. Is it okay for your spouse to lie to you? Is it okay for your spouse to give himself permission to "go there" with another woman? Do you trust him now that you know he is capable of making selfish decisions despite his full knowledge that what he is doing would be deeply hurtful to you? You deserve much better. I suggest you get a good lawyer, file, and get started on living the rest of your new life. Or you can waste the next 20 years of your life (as I did) and THEN get a good lawyer, file, and get started living the rest of your new life.

I never do and cannot understand why. Reasonably attractive, in shape, fun to be around with, and earn a good salary. Where are all these women in offices who have affairs with guys who work there? How come nothing ever happens to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.

Hey man, I went through the same thing. The way out, I have learned were two very important things:

1. When the thought comes into your head, you have to talk about it with her. Her affair carries a price, and that is that she is obligated to help you through this because you never asked for this. If you both want to stay together, then that is what has to be done. It is difficult at first, but it gets better and better.

2. This whole forgive and forget thing....many people would tell you to forgive but not forget. Well no shit. But that is impossible, so do yourself a favor and stop doing that. You'll never be able to not forget and you'll end up in a helpless loop. What I am saying is that the whole concept is whack. The reality is accepting the fact that you'll always remember. The journey you have take on your own is coming to terms with is how you will remember it. Explore the reasons why to yourself and with her. Talk about it. But believe me (sorry to sound like Trump) if you are thinking divorce, then divorce would be just as valid way down the road. So do it after you have exhausted everything. Divorcing now would set you on a new path, for better or for worse, but it will be self fulfilling prophecy. If you want to understand this then ask. But those are my thoughts on this. I wish you well.

Thanks, and I do keep in shape and am very fit. I'm trying to get more activities in to forget. Here's the thing, I lay down at night and it starts coming up in my head. Most nights, I have to leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch because I can't lay next to her and not visualize what they did.

I know I'm worth more than this, but like you said, the thought of breaking up my family makes me sad. The thing is, I know if I get divorced I get screwed out of seeing my kid. I'll never get fair custody as I sometimes pull shift work. But I least I always get to see my kid before I leave on those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband cheated because he gave himself permission to do so. All of us have opportunities to cheat. We each decide whether to be faithful to our spouse or not. Cheating is not a one time incident ... a "mistake". It is a series of decisions that lead a person down a known path. Grownups can tell when they are making those decisions and they are fully aware that they are not telling their spouse about them.

How to deal with the sting of infidelity? Decide for yourself what YOU are willing to tolerate. Is it okay for your spouse to lie to you? Is it okay for your spouse to give himself permission to "go there" with another woman? Do you trust him now that you know he is capable of making selfish decisions despite his full knowledge that what he is doing would be deeply hurtful to you? You deserve much better. I suggest you get a good lawyer, file, and get started on living the rest of your new life. Or you can waste the next 20 years of your life (as I did) and THEN get a good lawyer, file, and get started living the rest of your new life.

I never do and cannot understand why. Reasonably attractive, in shape, fun to be around with, and earn a good salary. Where are all these women in offices who have affairs with guys who work there? How come nothing ever happens to me?

Do you really want "something" to happen? Or just get a a good flirt on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband cheated because he gave himself permission to do so. All of us have opportunities to cheat. We each decide whether to be faithful to our spouse or not. Cheating is not a one time incident ... a "mistake". It is a series of decisions that lead a person down a known path. Grownups can tell when they are making those decisions and they are fully aware that they are not telling their spouse about them.

How to deal with the sting of infidelity? Decide for yourself what YOU are willing to tolerate. Is it okay for your spouse to lie to you? Is it okay for your spouse to give himself permission to "go there" with another woman? Do you trust him now that you know he is capable of making selfish decisions despite his full knowledge that what he is doing would be deeply hurtful to you? You deserve much better. I suggest you get a good lawyer, file, and get started on living the rest of your new life. Or you can waste the next 20 years of your life (as I did) and THEN get a good lawyer, file, and get started living the rest of your new life.

I never do and cannot understand why. Reasonably attractive, in shape, fun to be around with, and earn a good salary. Where are all these women in offices who have affairs with guys who work there? How come nothing ever happens to me?

Do you really want "something" to happen? Or just get a a good flirt on?

Well I would at least like to turn someone down every 5-7 years or so. And feel that someone finds me attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:? How come nothing ever happens to me?

Do you really want "something" to happen? Or just get a a good flirt on?

Well I would at least like to turn someone down every 5-7 years or so. And feel that someone finds me attractive.

Yes, that WOULD be nice. Could you really turn somebody down if they did?

[Anonymous]

OP, how long was your wife's affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I firmly believe that it is much more difficult for a man to get over an affair than a woman for some of the reasons that OP mentions. For men, it is the vision, for women, they worry about their partner falling in love with another woman. We are just wired differently. As men, we wonder what the other guy had. Was he more macho? More skilled? For all you know he is a dweeb who could barely get it up but in your mind, it's different.

I'm just a guy on the internet but you are mentally killing yourself. Is it possible to separate - stay at a friend or family member's place for a while? You need space. You are driving yourself crazy with this.

DO NOT MOVE OUT BEFORE CONSULTING A LAWYER! This can be seen as desertion and make the divorce your fault!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely do not move out. If she was the one who cheated, she leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am responding here to 20:43 with some more insight/info on my situation. In my case we are married over 30 years and I never thought anything like this would ever happen. However what let to complacency was that his workplace was always 99% MEN. Then due to all this diversity crap, they started getting more young women into every conceivable position to get the "numbers" up. All of a sudden he has a young intern sitting in his office all day. Then all these young women stopping by to talk. Etc Etc. Soon all I am hearing about is these women's lives ! Of course my husband never mentions me or my accomplishments. How about the fact that I made more than him for our early years and bought us our house? Then all of a sudden a totally male business trip turns into one where this woman comes along and then he is totally infatuated with her, talking to me about marrying her ! I am on an even keel now 4 years later but my devotion has waned considerably. I always wondered how husbands could throw over their wives keeping everything together at home and now it happened to me. Another contributing factor was that we live over an hour from his job so I have never met any of these people or their families. There are no company get togethers. My husband was not prepared emotionally for all these women coming into his workplace and the smartphones, etc. exacerbated all of this with the constant texting. I was left out.

Riiiighht. How horrible your husband should work with women! Why are you blaming the women and not your husband?

This is so goddamn infuriating... so women shouldn't get job opportunities because your husband can't control himself? WTF?!
I really cannot believe what I just read. It's the women and the smartphones! Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am responding here to 20:43 with some more insight/info on my situation. In my case we are married over 30 years and I never thought anything like this would ever happen. However what let to complacency was that his workplace was always 99% MEN. Then due to all this diversity crap, they started getting more young women into every conceivable position to get the "numbers" up. All of a sudden he has a young intern sitting in his office all day. Then all these young women stopping by to talk. Etc Etc. Soon all I am hearing about is these women's lives ! Of course my husband never mentions me or my accomplishments. How about the fact that I made more than him for our early years and bought us our house? Then all of a sudden a totally male business trip turns into one where this woman comes along and then he is totally infatuated with her, talking to me about marrying her ! I am on an even keel now 4 years later but my devotion has waned considerably. I always wondered how husbands could throw over their wives keeping everything together at home and now it happened to me. Another contributing factor was that we live over an hour from his job so I have never met any of these people or their families. There are no company get togethers. My husband was not prepared emotionally for all these women coming into his workplace and the smartphones, etc. exacerbated all of this with the constant texting. I was left out.

Riiiighht. How horrible your husband should work with women! Why are you blaming the women and not your husband?

This is so goddamn infuriating... so women shouldn't get job opportunities because your husband can't control himself? WTF?!
I really cannot believe what I just read. It's the women and the smartphones! Jesus Christ.

Surely no woman would have stopped by his office if he were not acting inviting towards her.... He laid out the welcome mat. Blame the women all you want.