This stepmonster gem from Carolyn Hax

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@10:56 The idea that a stepmom should have an "equal say" in how an inheritance is spent - equal to the actual inheritors and their father - is preposterous and untenable.

It is not relegating her to "second fiddle" to tell her to back off with regard to how her stepchildren's inheritances are spent.

I think parents are responsible for providing for the basic needs of their children. I think it is totally your responsible to leave your children a luxury item and expect someone else to foot the bill of raising your children. It is not like a great uncle Joe left the children money to be used for college. Great uncle Joe is not responsible for dedicating his resources to this daughters basic needs. So, this stepmother is responsible for raising her stepdaughter, putting in the time effort and a lot of money, because the mother decided to leave her daughter a luxury item. If the mother were still alive and decided that the only thing she would pay for was private school, would anyone think that was reasonable? Also, it's really not clear that the insurance was directed to the daughter as a beneficiary. It seems the dad is now telling me stepmom that that is how the mama wanted the funds to be spent. At that time, the now deceased mom had no idea that her husband would choose to remarry, that a stepmother would be dedicating resources toward her daughter, or that her husband and his new wife might have additional needs of their own, in part because they are paying to raise her daughter. Again, I have no problem with people keeping their inheritances. I just think it is selfish and irresponsible to provide your child with money dedicated to a luxury when you have not already fully funded and assess cities, and leave someone else responsible for that.

The house and living expenses are likely taken care of by dads income. And much of the house was likely paid for by mom when she was alive.

Note, stepmom did not say she was in need of the house. They have a house. Step mom said she is in need of a bigger house in the bset "fancy" school district so her potential futurle.children can have a big house and live in a fancy school district.

VERY different things.

Stepmom wants to steal money from her stepdaughter to buy a house (likely in HER name) that becomes a marital asset now if they divorce (current home is probably in dads name only) so that she can purchase a luxiry for herself and future children.

And this house (purchase by dead mom/current daughters money) now in steps moms name will likely bypass the daughters if dad dies first (read the step mom posts from the other thread)

Calculating and manipulative that step mom is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So bio mom gets to decide exactly how her money will be spent after she dies, on what is essentially a luxury item. It necessary for raising her daughter. Meanwhile, the dad and stepmom are still required to actually raise the child, to pay for food, provide her a nice living space, drive her places, and do all that parents do every day. I find it really indulgent and self centered for a parent to provide a luxury good to their child, and to leave it to other (any stepparent a included) to actually do the heavy lifting of parenting and to pay for it. Also, I'm really doubting the daughter is the actual beneficiary on the insurance policy. I'd guess the father is, and that he is now informing his wife that the funds are restricted due to what his first wife would have wanted. Guess the first wife would not have wanted a roof over her daughter's head or food on the table, just the luxury of private school. Think if it this way, the step mom's contributions in time and money in raising and providing for her stepdaughter may well be far in excess to the money she and the dad would need to upgrade homes to a good school district. but let's just be sure that girl gets to continue in private school, because that's really the only important thing.

Yes, so indulgent and self centered of Mom to die young. How thoughtless of her.

[Anonymous]

This is why my life insurance goes to a trust. Administered by MY parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So bio mom gets to decide exactly how her money will be spent after she dies, on what is essentially a luxury item. It necessary for raising her daughter. Meanwhile, the dad and stepmom are still required to actually raise the child, to pay for food, provide her a nice living space, drive her places, and do all that parents do every day. I find it really indulgent and self centered for a parent to provide a luxury good to their child, and to leave it to other (any stepparent a included) to actually do the heavy lifting of parenting and to pay for it. Also, I'm really doubting the daughter is the actual beneficiary on the insurance policy. I'd guess the father is, and that he is now informing his wife that the funds are restricted due to what his first wife would have wanted. Guess the first wife would not have wanted a roof over her daughter's head or food on the table, just the luxury of private school. Think if it this way, the step mom's contributions in time and money in raising and providing for her stepdaughter may well be far in excess to the money she and the dad would need to upgrade homes to a good school district. but let's just be sure that girl gets to continue in private school, because that's really the only important thing.

Yes, so indulgent and self centered of Mom to die young. How thoughtless of her.

. My thoughts exactly. Bio mom DIED. It's not like she dumped the kids on stepmom and lit out to Vegas with a boy friend. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately my DH mentioned deceased MIL when I had a few drinks and " thank God!" Escaped before I could stop it.
Oops

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately my DH mentioned deceased MIL when I had a few drinks and " thank God!" Escaped before I could stop it.
Oops

?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately my DH mentioned deceased MIL when I had a few drinks and " thank God!" Escaped before I could stop it.
Oops

?????

Guess she's still drinking...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately my DH mentioned deceased MIL when I had a few drinks and " thank God!" Escaped before I could stop it.
Oops

?????

Guess she's still drinking...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So bio mom gets to decide exactly how her money will be spent after she dies, on what is essentially a luxury item. It necessary for raising her daughter. Meanwhile, the dad and stepmom are still required to actually raise the child, to pay for food, provide her a nice living space, drive her places, and do all that parents do every day. I find it really indulgent and self centered for a parent to provide a luxury good to their child, and to leave it to other (any stepparent a included) to actually do the heavy lifting of parenting and to pay for it. Also, I'm really doubting the daughter is the actual beneficiary on the insurance policy. I'd guess the father is, and that he is now informing his wife that the funds are restricted due to what his first wife would have wanted. Guess the first wife would not have wanted a roof over her daughter's head or food on the table, just the luxury of private school. Think if it this way, the step mom's contributions in time and money in raising and providing for her stepdaughter may well be far in excess to the money she and the dad would need to upgrade homes to a good school district. but let's just be sure that girl gets to continue in private school, because that's really the only important thing.

Yes, so indulgent and self centered of Mom to die young. How thoughtless of her.

It's so weird how this poster thinks it's selfish of the bio mom to decide that money should be spent on a luxury item and require the dad (and stepmom) to "actually do the heavy lifting of parent and pay for it."

For heaven's sake -- the "other" is the biodad. Of course, the bio mom expected the bio dad to parent and pay for HIS OWN BIO CHILDREN. BioMom probably had a pretty good idea if biodad's income/career path would be enough to pay for the basics of raising the children.

It is so messed up how the top poster seems to think doing what any biological parent would do is a huge burden.

The stepmom chose of her own accord to step into this family. She had to make the calculation at the time that part of her income would go to maintaining the home (maybe paying the mortgage) and basic living expenses. She had to make the calculation about how her own money would be spent and how that would affect her own future goals or children. Frankly, it wasn't BioMom's responsibility to think about the future marital situation of bioDad. BioMom's only concern is -- can BioDad take care of BioChildren. Not will BioDad be able to take care of BioChildren and new step-wife and step-children. That latter was a concern only for 2nd wife and BioDad. Both of them should have thought through and discussed the financial implications before starting marriage #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@10:56 The idea that a stepmom should have an "equal say" in how an inheritance is spent - equal to the actual inheritors and their father - is preposterous and untenable.

It is not relegating her to "second fiddle" to tell her to back off with regard to how her stepchildren's inheritances are spent.

I think parents are responsible for providing for the basic needs of their children. I think it is totally your responsible to leave your children a luxury item and expect someone else to foot the bill of raising your children. It is not like a great uncle Joe left the children money to be used for college. Great uncle Joe is not responsible for dedicating his resources to this daughters basic needs. So, this stepmother is responsible for raising her stepdaughter, putting in the time effort and a lot of money, because the mother decided to leave her daughter a luxury item. If the mother were still alive and decided that the only thing she would pay for was private school, would anyone think that was reasonable? Also, it's really not clear that the insurance was directed to the daughter as a beneficiary. It seems the dad is now telling me stepmom that that is how the mama wanted the funds to be spent. At that time, the now deceased mom had no idea that her husband would choose to remarry, that a stepmother would be dedicating resources toward her daughter, or that her husband and his new wife might have additional needs of their own, in part because they are paying to raise her daughter. Again, I have no problem with people keeping their inheritances. I just think it is selfish and irresponsible to provide your child with money dedicated to a luxury when you have not already fully funded and assess cities, and leave someone else responsible for that.

The house and living expenses are likely taken care of by dads income. And much of the house was likely paid for by mom when she was alive.

Note, stepmom did not say she was in need of the house. They have a house. Step mom said she is in need of a bigger house in the bset "fancy" school district so her potential futurle.children can have a big house and live in a fancy school district.

VERY different things.

Stepmom wants to steal money from her stepdaughter to buy a house (likely in HER name) that becomes a marital asset now if they divorce (current home is probably in dads name only) so that she can purchase a luxiry for herself and future children.

And this house (purchase by dead mom/current daughters money) now in steps moms name will likely bypass the daughters if dad dies first (read the step mom posts from the other thread)

Calculating and manipulative that step mom is.

which thread?

[Anonymous]

Could you post a link to the other thread/s?

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/567009.page

It is about wills and stepmoms.

There are several posts by different stepmoms emphatically stating that inheritances, life insurance, family momentos, etc from deceased moms belong to the stepmom not the kids and rightfully shoukd be used to support any children tue stepmom spawns in the marriage, not the original children because the original children are "older" and her younger children deserve it more.

There are also several step moms who see no reason why any family inheritances should even go to original children because their spawn are more like real children to the dad and mean more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So bio mom gets to decide exactly how her money will be spent after she dies, on what is essentially a luxury item. It necessary for raising her daughter. Meanwhile, the dad and stepmom are still required to actually raise the child, to pay for food, provide her a nice living space, drive her places, and do all that parents do every day. I find it really indulgent and self centered for a parent to provide a luxury good to their child, and to leave it to other (any stepparent a included) to actually do the heavy lifting of parenting and to pay for it. Also, I'm really doubting the daughter is the actual beneficiary on the insurance policy. I'd guess the father is, and that he is now informing his wife that the funds are restricted due to what his first wife would have wanted. Guess the first wife would not have wanted a roof over her daughter's head or food on the table, just the luxury of private school. Think if it this way, the step mom's contributions in time and money in raising and providing for her stepdaughter may well be far in excess to the money she and the dad would need to upgrade homes to a good school district. but let's just be sure that girl gets to continue in private school, because that's really the only important thing.

Okay stepmom.

We understand that you think marrying into an established family means you think your wants and comforts override any agreements or plans that the father and originsl mother had for their children, that the original wife's money is now yours (and eventually your own children's) right to have and spend as you see fit, and that your want of a luxurious house trumps the NEED of the original kids for stability following their mom's death and planned for and agreed upon by both their parents.

But your arguments only show that you have a greed problem and an ethics deficiency.

In a case like this (life insurance/inheritance from dead mom) it is crystal clear that you have zero claims to this money, not even a dime. To insist otherwise is just selfish.

There is no gray area when it comes to this situation.

So when the father married his second wife, she became a Mira pended there to assist him and support him with his and his deceased wife's plans. The stepmother is clearly only joining someone else's family, and is not an Intercal part of the family in her own right. Is that it? I wonder if the father told the stepmom this before she agreed to marry him? That she should feel lucky to be there, but it is an absolute privilege, yes, a privilege, to have the joy of all joys of living in a home where you are a second-class citizen but expected to raise another person's child. But of course to love her as though she were your own, though it is made clear to you at every turn that you have no rights, particularly if you disagree with a dead woman's wishes. I'm not in anyway saying that the stepmom has a priority over her partner husband and how finances are spent. What I am saying is that it is understandable for one of the two adults in a marriage to feel she should have an equal say when she has been asked to take on the burden, yes it's a burden, of raising someone else's child. So many posters here act as though it is a gift to stepparents to have children around. Well, it's not. It's hard. Just like parenting your own children. And if the father expected that his new wife would always play second fiddle to a dead woman, he better have told her that from the start. Because, really, who would sign up for that shit.

Then make your own damn family from scratch. You're an asshole of the first degree. You marry someone with kids, and you will always (as you should) come second. Don't like it? Find another dick to hop on. You are the dummy for not realizing that this is how it is. Second wives are SECOND.

[Anonymous]

So the moral to the stories ladies is to structure your estate to protect your children, because if you go first and even if your husband is a wonderful husband and father, odds are very good that he will pick a greedy, opportunistic bitch for his next wife and your children will be left in the cold, even if you already had a plan in place.

There is a reason why stepmothers, throughout time, have collectively earned a very bad rep. Yes, there are some wonderful step moms but the swful ones are truly awful.

[Anonymous]

The mom is just mom, not "biomom." This is not an adoptiom or a situation with babies who don't remember their mother. She is mom, period.

I am SO glad that the money we got from my mom's life insurance and a malpractice settlement went into trusts for the kids. I have no doubt my dad and evil stepmom otherwise would have spent it or come up with some reason we couldn't use it for college as intended. It wasn't a huge amount, but allowed me to graduate from a great school debt free.

This also reminds me to change all my life insurance to my son as the benificiary.