This stepmonster gem from Carolyn Hax

[Anonymous]

"Q: Not even my in laws
My husband's wife died 4 years ago. Their two teenage daughters live with us. When she died, the mother had a sizeable life insurance policy which she apparently wanted to be used to fund her daughters' (v expensive) private education. I believe that this money would be better spent buying a larger home in a neighborhood with better schools which could also benefit any future children that we might have. Husband is against this because he is worried daughters will freak out (he tends to be overly permissive). So I suggested to the girls while he was on a business trip my idea to test the waters and they went running to their very well-off grandparents (mother's parents). Since then, I have gotten an email from their mother's brother announcing an unexpected visit, an email to husband and I telling us that grandparents would be happy to pay for granddaughters education, etc. My husband is very angry and blames me despite the fact that I think they are completely overreacting (there are worse things than getting transferred from a fancy private school to a fancy public school). I honestly feel that the mother's family just interferes with my ability to make decisions about how my family will live, etc. How do I make these in-laws less dramatic and regain control?

A: Carolyn Hax
Holy carp. That's rich: YOU made a total and dramatic power move when you undermined your husband in his absence to get what you wanted--a nice big well-located house for you and your future kids on his dead wife's dime and at their daughters' expense. Wow.

The girls stay in their school because they're happy there and the money has been earmarked for it and they've been through enough, ffs.

If I were in your husband's place I might be talking to a lawyer already. You didn't actually do anything yet, granted, but the plan for which you overreachingly and underhandedly just laid the groundwork is so grasping and self-enriching that I would be in the midst of a big rethink of everything I once thought I knew about you. "(there are worse things than getting transferred from a fancy private school to a fancy public school)"--yes, there are--a stepparent in control but not interested in their best interests.

I'm not even sure what to advise except to look in the mirror. Not because there aren't other things you can do, but because I don't really think you'll do them. You're all about you. You'll have less "interference" from your in-laws if you recognize that, recognize your own ulterior motives, do a soul inventory, then emerge from it with consistent demonstrations that you can place your stepdaughters' interests above your own until they've been equipped to complete college.



— JUL 01, 2016 2:10 EDT"


https://live.washingtonpost.com/carolyn-hax-live-20160701.html?hpid=hp_local-news_hax-12pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

I have no skin in this game, neither a stepmother nor a step child but this cannot really be the norm, can it?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, wow. She married a man with pre-existing obligations. That was her choice. It's all about "her" ability to make decisions, not her and her husband together. She's not getting the different house because her husband doesn't want to.

Also, it's stupid to uproot teenagers for the sake of a school district for children who aren't even born yet. They can move when they actually have these imaginary future children and the teenagers are in college. It's unbelievably selfish to expect the teenagers to give up their friends and comfortable school for the sake of children who may never exist at all.

[Anonymous]

It never ceases to amaze me how people remarry themselves to a spouse who really doesn't care about their children. That should be a deal killer.

[Anonymous]

OP, read the step moms posting in the inheritance thread or talk to anyone whose mother died and you will see that yes, this is not uncommon for step mothers to be this self serving.

That said my friend is one of the most awesome stepmothers ever and has been nothing but loving and kind to all of her children.

There are moms that happen to be step.parents and then there are a lot of the ones who are the inspirstion behind the term step monster.

[Anonymous]

Hax rocks!!

[Anonymous]

That HAS to be a fake post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me how people remarry themselves to a spouse who really doesn't care about their children. That should be a deal killer.

It should be, but often it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, read the step moms posting in the inheritance thread or talk to anyone whose mother died and you will see that yes, this is not uncommon for step mothers to be this self serving.

That said my friend is one of the most awesome stepmothers ever and has been nothing but loving and kind to all of her children.

There are moms that happen to be step.parents and then there are a lot of the ones who are the inspirstion behind the term step monster.

Step moms in the inheritance thread are simply saying that there is nothing wrong with spouses leaving their marital estate to each other rather than to adult children. The OP in that thread is an adult child who resents that her stepmother will inherit her father's estate. It's no different than any entitled biological children who are estimating joe much they will profit from a parent's death; it's despicable. Married partners are obligated to each other, not to adult children.

As for this stepmother, this Q is so over the top that I almost don't believe it, except I have met many self-absorbed sociopaths in my day, do they're out there, stepmothers, mothers, fathers, etc. Selfish new spouse, spineless old spouse, kids suffer. Sucks. It's a good thing that the maternal uncle and grandparents are in these girls' lives!!

[Anonymous]

Step moms can be truly awful when a mom passes.

The woman my dad met online and married right after my mom passed away actually called the cemetary as his "wife" and requested the wording on the newly ordered gravestone be reworded to remove "beloved wife of (dad's name)" since SHE was the wife now.

Fortunately my sister actually paid for the headstone and signed the contract (dad had spent the life insurance on this woman's engagement ring that she selected and moving her out to my mom's house) so the monument company gave her a call and had the very awkward conversation of "This woman who said she is your (just widowed) father's wife called and demanded we change the wording on your (very recently passed) mom's headstone."

After going through that and much more from this woman, I can totally believe a step mom wanting to use his daughter's inheritance bookmarked for tuition to buy herself a fancy house in a rich area so her future kids can attend the best schools on their dead mom's legacy.

Totally believable to me and probably many other people whose widowed dads married opportunistic bitches after the death of their moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step moms can be truly awful when a mom passes.

The woman my dad met online and married right after my mom passed away actually called the cemetary as his "wife" and requested the wording on the newly ordered gravestone be reworded to remove "beloved wife of (dad's name)" since SHE was the wife now.

Fortunately my sister actually paid for the headstone and signed the contract (dad had spent the life insurance on this woman's engagement ring that she selected and moving her out to my mom's house) so the monument company gave her a call and had the very awkward conversation of "This woman who said she is your (just widowed) father's wife called and demanded we change the wording on your (very recently passed) mom's headstone."

After going through that and much more from this woman, I can totally believe a step mom wanting to use his daughter's inheritance bookmarked for tuition to buy herself a fancy house in a rich area so her future kids can attend the best schools on their dead mom's legacy.

Totally believable to me and probably many other people whose widowed dads married opportunistic bitches after the death of their moms.

Stepmom here, just flabbergasted at the evilness of yours. I'm so sorry. Your dad sounds like a weak, pathetic man. Or equally evil.

[Anonymous]

18:52 Unfortunately this kind of thing is not uncommon. I have spoken with friends, acquaintances, the funeral florist, and similar things have happened to many families when a recently widowed husband remarries.

[Anonymous]

My dad's (now former) gf/common law wife told him to not pay my room and board when I was a 17 year old college freshman. She also told him to cut off support to my disabled brother while our mother was fighting cancer. Luckily, my dad didn't listen either time.

My child's stepmom has fought for two years to get my ex to pull DD out of private school, although she herself is a private school alum and I pay the tuition (not through child support). Unfortunately, my ex did go along with her. It is coming back to bite him now. Not only does DD no longer trust him, but SM filed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, read the step moms posting in the inheritance thread or talk to anyone whose mother died and you will see that yes, this is not uncommon for step mothers to be this self serving.

That said my friend is one of the most awesome stepmothers ever and has been nothing but loving and kind to all of her children.

There are moms that happen to be step.parents and then there are a lot of the ones who are the inspirstion behind the term step monster.

Step moms in the inheritance thread are simply saying that there is nothing wrong with spouses leaving their marital estate to each other rather than to adult children. The OP in that thread is an adult child who resents that her stepmother will inherit her father's estate. It's no different than any entitled biological children who are estimating joe much they will profit from a parent's death; it's despicable. Married partners are obligated to each other, not to adult children.

As for this stepmother, this Q is so over the top that I almost don't believe it, except I have met many self-absorbed sociopaths in my day, do they're out there, stepmothers, mothers, fathers, etc. Selfish new spouse, spineless old spouse, kids suffer. Sucks. It's a good thing that the maternal uncle and grandparents are in these girls' lives!!

Yes, I remember you from the inheritance thread- entitled children inheriting parent's = despicable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step moms can be truly awful when a mom passes.

The woman my dad met online and married right after my mom passed away actually called the cemetary as his "wife" and requested the wording on the newly ordered gravestone be reworded to remove "beloved wife of (dad's name)" since SHE was the wife now.

Fortunately my sister actually paid for the headstone and signed the contract (dad had spent the life insurance on this woman's engagement ring that she selected and moving her out to my mom's house) so the monument company gave her a call and had the very awkward conversation of "This woman who said she is your (just widowed) father's wife called and demanded we change the wording on your (very recently passed) mom's headstone."

After going through that and much more from this woman, I can totally believe a step mom wanting to use his daughter's inheritance bookmarked for tuition to buy herself a fancy house in a rich area so her future kids can attend the best schools on their dead mom's legacy.

Totally believable to me and probably many other people whose widowed dads married opportunistic bitches after the death of their moms.

+1 (My dad also married an "opportunistic bitch" soon after my mom died, and she sounds like the soul-twin of your dad's new wife; we should start a support thread to swap stories).

[Anonymous]

I don't think Hax answered this question correctly. If the stepmother just wants to set up plans to benefit her future kids, she has already seen that all she has to do is take out a life insurance policy and then die, leaving her plans written down somewhere.

I really think that answers the stepmom's question much more directly.