Step mother starting a huge inappropriate fight and is unlikely to apologize, where do I go from her

[Anonymous]

eh, clearly, with the benefit of hindsight, you clearly shouldn't have engaged with stepmother. And while, of course you have opinions and information about your parents' divorce (and, um, probably better info than stepmom), it's not your place or your job to pass judgment on it. they should keep you out of it, and you should stay out of it. if you want to pursue a relationship with these people, or at least your dad, you probably need to lead with "I'm sorry for discussing the divorce and mom with stepmother. It's not my place, and I did not intend to cause hurt. It's all ancient history now anyway." Period. They both owe you an apology too but they sound crazytown; so I wouldn't bank on getting one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate how all the advice is "shouldn't have talked about it." Bunch of anal retentive WASPs dishing out advice on how nothing in the family should be talked about? How about instead of having certain subjects be off limits, instead the rule should be All adults should act like adults, and not throw fits. It's about a 30 year divorce. There should be no tantrums. If Op is telling the whole truth, then Stepmom is crazy pants. No reasoning or apologizing to crazy pant people unless you need to continue brown nosing for an inheritance or access to the vacay home. If it is the latter then you need to ask yourself is it worth it? As far as divorce goes who cares - OP didn't seem affected. It's Stepmom and Dad who went off the deep end. Issues much? Why did they care so much what Op thinks on this issue? OP sometimes you're just stuck with relatives that stink; consider whether it is worth your time pursuing a relationship (and forcing yourself to apologize when you aren't at fault) with nuts like them. I wouldn't but many would.

It was THIRTY years ago. The truth is probably between both parties in the divorce. People are saying not to discuss it because at this point, IT ISN'T WORTH IT. What did anyone gain from the conversation? I'll wait.

And don't give me any bullshit like OP gained knowledge of her dad and stepmom's true colors. What was positive about this?

Who says someone has to gain something? Do you require all your conversations produce a net positive return on your life? Cut the sunshine bullshit. People have conversations about stupid shit all the time. So they talked about the divorce - so what? Adults have these conversations. OP went home having contributed her opinion only to have wacko SM and Dad go nuclear. Even if OP was factually incorrect, SM and dad are still showing their crazy colors. People are blaming The conversation having happened in the first place and not where it belongs - with the people immature and insane enough to lose their shit over something that happened thirty years ago. Her relatives are nuts. She should limit contact with crazy people. There it is.

But why discuss the divorce? 30 years later? I think her stepmother is crazy as hell and had some sort of ulterior motive. What good does it do anyone and these folks have been married for longer than her parents were?

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture - does it really matter 30 years later who did what? If she wants a relationship with them (it sounds like it was good previously), she can apologize for her role in the fracas. No, she didn't start the conversation and no, it wasn't her "fault". But that is how children think - for OP, as an adult, she can apologize for her role in it (you know, helping to escalate the argument) to start repairing their relationship since that is what she wants.

[Anonymous]

It's a 30 year old issue! Seriously, what's done is done, if she wasn't a part of the initial cheating triangle, it's none of her business and it's CERTAINLY none of yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate how all the advice is "shouldn't have talked about it." Bunch of anal retentive WASPs dishing out advice on how nothing in the family should be talked about? How about instead of having certain subjects be off limits, instead the rule should be All adults should act like adults, and not throw fits. It's about a 30 year divorce. There should be no tantrums. If Op is telling the whole truth, then Stepmom is crazy pants. No reasoning or apologizing to crazy pant people unless you need to continue brown nosing for an inheritance or access to the vacay home. If it is the latter then you need to ask yourself is it worth it? As far as divorce goes who cares - OP didn't seem affected. It's Stepmom and Dad who went off the deep end. Issues much? Why did they care so much what Op thinks on this issue? OP sometimes you're just stuck with relatives that stink; consider whether it is worth your time pursuing a relationship (and forcing yourself to apologize when you aren't at fault) with nuts like them. I wouldn't but many would.

It was THIRTY years ago. The truth is probably between both parties in the divorce. People are saying not to discuss it because at this point, IT ISN'T WORTH IT. What did anyone gain from the conversation? I'll wait.

And don't give me any bullshit like OP gained knowledge of her dad and stepmom's true colors. What was positive about this?

Who says someone has to gain something? Do you require all your conversations produce a net positive return on your life? Cut the sunshine bullshit. People have conversations about stupid shit all the time. So they talked about the divorce - so what? Adults have these conversations. OP went home having contributed her opinion only to have wacko SM and Dad go nuclear. Even if OP was factually incorrect, SM and dad are still showing their crazy colors. People are blaming The conversation having happened in the first place and not where it belongs - with the people immature and insane enough to lose their shit over something that happened thirty years ago. Her relatives are nuts. She should limit contact with crazy people. There it is.

But why discuss the divorce? 30 years later? I think her stepmother is crazy as hell and had some sort of ulterior motive. What good does it do anyone and these folks have been married for longer than her parents were?

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture - does it really matter 30 years later who did what? If she wants a relationship with them (it sounds like it was good previously), she can apologize for her role in the fracas. No, she didn't start the conversation and no, it wasn't her "fault". But that is how children think - for OP, as an adult, she can apologize for her role in it (you know, helping to escalate the argument) to start repairing their relationship since that is what she wants.

She CAN apologize and of course it is entirely up to her as to whether it is worth it to have a relationship with a bunch of 3 year old tantrum throwing idiots. Like I said, maybe she will grovel so she can have access back to "her" vacation home. "Why discuss the divorce?" Why discuss anything? It was just a conversation about something that happened. Adults talk about stuff. ***No one is arguing it matters what happened 30 years ago*** so take your straw man and shove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both need to apologize and move on. Both acted crazy.

I appreciate your feedback and am really trying to understand so I can do the right thing. Please help me with how I acted crazy. I am sincerely interested in understanding your perspective.

By engaging in the discussion rather than shutting it down.

NP here. OP did NOT act "crazy!" She is HUMAN and reacted emotionally/viscerally----I would expect MOST people to react as OP did.

[Anonymous]

OP, that really sucks. I have a family with similar dynamics. Dad and Stepmom occasionally like to bring up shit my mom (supposedly) did years ago. Some of it's true, some of it is not. Any discussion of it annoys me because it's not relevant anymore.

I think for the present, you need to decide what kind of relationship you want with your Dad and Stepmom moving forward. If you want to smooth things over and rebuild the relationship, then I think you apologize for the situation and leave it at that. If they insist that you apologize in a different way or put conditions on what you need to do to gain the relationship back -- I'd think twice about having a close familial relationship with them. Don't smooth it over just for your kids -- do what is best for you.

For the future, if any of your parents starts talking about the past and tries to suck you in, please feel free to try the tactics I use on my own parents:

1) Blank stare, silence, change topic.
2) "Well, I was only 5 years old at that time, so I don't know the details and at this point, it's irrelevant to me." Change topic.
3) "I'm sure everyone did the best they could given the time and maturity level." This one is handy because all of my parents acted like jerks at some point and involved me. Makes them feel guilty and shuts them up.

I do have one rule that I am unbending on. None of my parents are to talk shit about my other parents to my children. I absolutely will not have it. They will not bring their crazy on to my children.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP:

It's very clear that your stepmother is an extremely toxic person who goes around bad-mouthing people to cause strife and dissension. She bad mouthed your mother to you; she bad-mouthed you to your father; she accused you of being a liar in front of him etc. Since you know she told lies about you, you have to assume she's lying about your mom too.

If I had to guess, I'd guess that the reality is that your father was cheating with your stepmother and that's what broke up your parents' marriage. I would not believe for a second that your stepmother wasn't in the picture when your parents broke up and magically appeared "a few months later." (Of course your father may also have been involved with other women too.)

So your stepmother is a very destructive, selfish creature who doesn't care about anyone--not even the grandchildren, as proven when she threw you, and them, out of the house.

It kind of sounds like your entire extended step family has been involved in a total charade for the past 30 odd years and for some reason, now--maybe due to age and insecurity--your stepmom has decided to create her final masterpiece of familial destruction.

If you ever reconcile, and stepmom tries to bad mouth your mom again, you look her--and your father, if you need to--straight in the eye and say: "Listen bitch. Shut your mouth about my mother. No second warnings."

[Anonymous]

OP back, thanks for the feedback. I find all of the perspectives useful. I did decide to call stepmom to apologize for my role in the conversation that should not have ever occurred about this topic that will never be discussed again. I also said that I am very hurt by this entire situation. She said she was also sorry and didn't want this tension. I then asked to speak to my dad and told him I was sorry for fighting and having discussed this at all and firmly said it wouldn't be discussed again nor would anything else related to my mother be discussed, ever again with me or my children. He said okay let's just move on. I basically ended the call their and although he has been calling g daily since and asking g when the kids and I are coming to the cottage, I have just explained that we are very busy and have plans through next week.

Another facet here is that my husband is traveling most of the summer in Asia with brief breaks back home for a week or two every 3-4 weeks so I have a lot on my plate. I also work full time and have two kids under 6. I truly plan to scale back my relationship here. I am not cutting them off but I just can't see spending nearly as much time around them. I am disgusted that this altercation occurred in front of my children . I don't know that I'm going to get past that or want to after having thought about this for a few days.

I'm glad I took the first step to address it. I am an adult and won't allow myself to be drawn into something like this again, especially with step mom.

I have spoken at length to my brother and he agrees it was best to squash it to remove their power over it but encourages me to be more cautious with both of them as he says he already feels.

Honestly it's just so sad and disappointing to see this and I am not willing to ever let them tear down my mom. My husband has been very supportive from afar. He says we will get our own summer place to build our own family traditions and that we don't need anything from anybody. He's right. I've learned a hard lesson from this.

[Anonymous]

Geez OP - get some therapy for goodness sakes. Your mom cheated. She wasn't and isn't perfect. And it's ok and doesn't mean you have to love her less. Your stepmom and dad were probably sick of you prattling on about her bring perfect and wronged and thought you were adult enough to grasp the truth. You weren't. Now you just look silly and childish. Boo hoo - don't tell me my mommy wasn't perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez OP - get some therapy for goodness sakes. Your mom cheated. She wasn't and isn't perfect. And it's ok and doesn't mean you have to love her less. Your stepmom and dad were probably sick of you prattling on about her bring perfect and wronged and thought you were adult enough to grasp the truth. You weren't. Now you just look silly and childish. Boo hoo - don't tell me my mommy wasn't perfect!

Clearly you haven't read all of OPs post. You are way off base. Perhaps take your own advice and get some therapy, or remedial reading help.

To the OP: glad for you that you were able to talk with your Dad and step-mom to the point where you can have some relationship going forward. Sad for you that they are being such dolts. It sounds like you have good support from DH and your brother, which is great. Hugs to you.