Step mother starting a huge inappropriate fight and is unlikely to apologize, where do I go from her
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Anonymous
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I'm trying to not get into every detail as this was s bit complicated but basically my stepmother of 25+ years (I am 35) and i were having a heart to heart chat last week which we often do at our family's summer cottage and she insinuated that my parents divorce (over 30 years+ ago) was due to my mother cheating on my father with my now (30 year+) stepfather. This is not a topic I wish to discuss and why would anyone especially after so much time has passed. It is also not the first time she has tried to say something similar however this time I bit. My understanding has always been that the divorced was caused by my dad cheating on my mom, with someone other than my stepmother who he met a few years later. My mother has told me this when I was an adult and asked her in a calm normal mother daughter conversation. I believe her. All other actions in my life lead me to believe my mother. Since this obnoxious conversation which went too far with me defending my mom and basically saying that if she is basing all of her information on what my Dad told her, I still believe my mom. Well the next day she told my Dad that I said he was a cheat and a liar and started a huge family fight. He came to my house a few days later and confronted me yelling at me and saying terrible things about my mom and details he says about how they broke up. I still believe my mom who btw I have not engaged in any of this as it's a terrible topic and not something anyone should be talking about. Yesterday again at the cottage with the whole family there my step mother was being very rude to me so I said what is the problem and she blew up and now is lying about how this topic came up and blaming me to my father for everything and claiming I am lying about her bringing it up. It literally makes no sense and is shocking! When I of course defended myself she told me to leave the cottage. So I packed up my kids and left what has been my summer home from before my parents divorce.
I am beyond hurt, confused, furious, disgusted and in shock. I dont know where to go from here but my father and she are the sort of people who cut their siblings and in my father's case his own father out of there lives. I could be facing that and I am heart broken for me but also for my children who love them. Need some objective help on how and if to try and repair this. thanks in advance |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, op, that's really rough. I wish I had advice for you. If we had a time machine I'd tell you to go back and never have the conversation in the first place! Your stepmom's an odd duck to try to talk to you about your parents' decades old divorce in the first place. Definately let things cool down for a bit. I hope you can get back to a relationship with them where this topic is off the table. |
Anonymous
| You both need to apologize and move on. Both acted crazy. |
Anonymous
I appreciate your feedback and am really trying to understand so I can do the right thing. Please help me with how I acted crazy. I am sincerely interested in understanding your perspective. |
Anonymous
| Maybe your mom did cheat. Maybe both parents cheated! I suggest you ask your mother point-blank. |
Anonymous
You can't possibly be sure of what happened in your parents' marriage. Maybe your mom did cheat. Maybe they both cheated. Maybe your mom is lying to you. Maybe she isn't. Regardless, neither of you should be discussing that. When you did, it opened up a whole can of worms and you both acted inappropriately. |
Anonymous
| Agree you can't be sure. That said, there is really no reason for any of your parents/step parents to be discussing it. In the future, I would decline to engage in such discussions, full stop. For now, you can't make someone apologize. I would let them know you're sorry for engaging in the discussion and wish to not talk about it anymore because it doesn't concern you and is ancient history. |
Anonymous
+1 I think your stepmother is ridiculous, to be honest. It seems like she is trying to bad mouth your mother - BUT, this is all water under the bridge. Apologize for even getting into the discussion and say that you don't wish to discuss it again. |
Anonymous
Agree. Your stepmother is probably feeling insecure. After all she married a cheater (sorry op), but maybe her hackles are up for some reason. She is insecure and so lashing out. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Your step-mother is a jerk. Why does she think you'd want to know the gory details? You can apologize for "my part in what happened," note that there were misunderstandings and suggest that since the reasons for the divorce don't involve you everyone could try to put the recent incident behind them. Beyond that, there's not much you can do. If they want to force you to choose sides, that's in them. Sounds like you understandably want a good relationship with both your father and your mother. If they persist, maybe you can ask them calmly and seriously why they feel the need to make you choose sides or make you understand the ugly details of their divorce? |
Anonymous
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The other reason you can't make her apologize is because there's a very real chance what she said is true, and even if it's not, she very likely believes it's true. So from her perspective, you called her a liar, called her husband a cheat, and insisted that her husband was at fault at ending a marriage she didn't think he was at fault at. She was wrong to bring it up. But if she believes what she says (and frankly there's a pretty good chance there's some truth to it) then she has every reason to be upset about how you reacted. So you both get to be angry and you both need to get over it.
Look at it this way: your step daughter is in your cottage, you tell her something about the past, then she starts yelling at you, calling you a liar and her husband a cheat, then Yells at your husband about it and tried to get him mad at you. Then when the husband backs you up, the step daughter starts yelling at the husband. Then the next time she's at your cottage, she does it again. You would kick her out of the cottage, wouldn't you? |
Anonymous
| Well, that is one big mess you two created. It seems like she wanted to defend her husband, your father to you. Your Dad felt the need to defend himself to you, claiming he didn't cheat on your mom. I wonder about that. How old is your Dad and is he having memory issues? Or maybe he is outraged bcs he didn't cheat? Or lying to everybody and now lying to you, or is he mad that all these years you blamed him for your parents getting a divorce? Many hurt feeling all around. Did your stepmom think you knew that your mom had an affair or did she know you thought your Dad had an affair and tried to make him look better in your eyes? Either way, cluster something, something... I would let tempers cool, and as this is your Dad I would be a bigger person and apologize for causing any trouble, not necessarily bcs you believe that, but just to keep peace in the family. |
Anonymous
When ol' girl started asking you should have said " off limits" and walked away. Bottom line you really have no true idea of what had happened between your mother and father. The truth of the matter probably lies between your mom's story and your dad 's. In the end it's really between them and none of your business and you were so Doug and tried to friend her you might end up losing some other relationships that you hold dear. Now, SM is lying in you and that is a whole 'nother can of worms. |
Anonymous
By engaging in the discussion rather than shutting it down. |