Step mother starting a huge inappropriate fight and is unlikely to apologize, where do I go from her
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Anonymous
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You can't win getting in the middle of shit-stirring people, so don't. And the details of their relationships and sex lives with each other? None of your business.
When they talk about it, cut it off and say, "This is between you all, so please don't bring it up with me. Your grandkids and I love you all, and your personal relationship history is your own business." |
Anonymous
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1. Your step-mother started it by opening Pandora's Box, which she never should have. Her motive is probably that for years she's wanted everyone to accept that your mother was at fault in the divorce. It's a base motive, but you won't change how she thinks and acts. It might even be true, but - 2. You and your siblings and extended family should be be required to accept or acknowledge in any form who's fault it was in the divorce and who cheated and lied about who. One, it's all in the past and should not be raked up. Two, the person who cheats may not be the one who has the most fault, counter-intuitively. Maybe they cheated because the spouse was emotionally and physically absent or abusive. 3. You are at fault for taking the bait and counter-attacking. You're an adult and know better than to fan your step-mother's flames, because she will always win with your father, he will take her side regardless of how wrong she is. She's in a position of power and if you don't want to lose them both (which you might, given how terrible they sound!), you have to ignore and deflect all insinuations and always stay supernaturally calm. Going forward, I would have a hard time apologizing for anything, since she started it. But if you can find it within yourself to communicate regret for contributing to the dispute, then do so with as much grace as you can muster. In any event, you need to distance yourself from these toxic people. Sorry about the family home. |
Anonymous
| This is not your summer home. It is your father's (I assume because MIL was there) and as such you are a guest. Yes it was atrocious what your MIL said but she has only your father's word to go by. She does not have the benefit of hearing your mother's side of the story. She is biased and uninformed. Why she feels the need to reinforce this version I don't know. Surely you understand that she is not in a position to ever be privy to the whole truth? And neither are you, btw. This could create insecurities for you both. As a guest in their home you should extend an olive branch. I would not apologize because she crossed a line, but I would sympathize with her wanting to whitewash your Dad's character. |
Anonymous
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Jesus are you a child? "Your" summer home?
And talking about your parents marriage? And "I believe my mom" BS - don't you know by know, that no one is perfect in a marriage? I feel sorry for your parents and stepparents. You need to grow up - and fast |
Anonymous
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Your stepmother sounds like a hose beast, but really, what can you expect? One, she married a cheater. Odds are, this is on her mind because your father is sticking his dick in something else, after having done it over and over the past 25 years. Second, she is a step. She's not really family, I don't care how many "blended family" biddies come on here to say differently. Ignore her and when she brings up bullshit from the past, shut her down. Once your father dies, if he goes first, you never have to deal with her again.
Last, no one does or should give a fuck about their now-elderly parents sex lives, past or present. Your step sounds really, really trashy. |
Anonymous
+2 - let us know how it goes. |
Anonymous
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Repeat after me: "this is 30 year old drama. This is history" At this point both of your parents have been married to other people for far longer than they were to each other.
Also, you never know what happened and honestly it's none of your business. I knew my DH for years before we got together. There had always been the story that he had left another woman at the altar and he was painted as the cad, which he never disputed publicly. Turns out the bride - to - be had been cheating, and he didn't want to go through with the marriage. He didn't want to create a ton of drama, so he's happily been taking the heat for it - because in his universe that's what guys do. This is also,a good 25+ years ago so it doesn't really matter to anyone now. |
Anonymous
| If your goal is to smooth things over, apologize to both your step and father together for engaging in the conversation. Be direct and assure them that that kind of conversation will never happen again. Believe whatever you want, but remember that a 30 year memory can be tricky. Oh, btw, do you have any sibs? |
Anonymous
I think the mom did cheat and that is why the dad is so pissed off. |
Anonymous
No, OP is a human being. She should not have taken the bait, but it sounds like it would take a superhuman person to deal with the bullshit of stepmom. You, on the other hand, don't qualify as a human being; you are an ass. |
Anonymous
| To the OP: If I were you, I would not apologize. I don't see that you did anything wrong, but you have learned your lesson about engaging with stepmom on anything related to your parents' marital history. I don't expect your dad or stepmom will ever apologize, either, but if they extend the olive branch, so to speak, with future contact, just take it and move forward. |
Anonymous
+1000 Would not apologize. Taking the blame and becoming a doormat for fear they may cut you loose would make you become very insecure, eventually. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP - my parents divorced when I was in college and because I was an adult, they both felt free to tell me things that really weren't any of my business. It is HARD but totally okay to stop any of your parents, step or otherwise, and say, "I'm not going to be part of this discussion. Please excuse me." Just because someone wants to raise family skeletons doesn't mean you have to take part. You are allowed to take care of yourself.
If you feel the need to apologize, and I don't know that you really need to, I think you could say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry we argued. I hope we can move past this." If you don't want to apologize, you don't have to. |
Anonymous
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Your stepmother won't apologize.
But to smooth the water, try writing an note/email to she and your father. Explain that your MIL kept pushing the conversation and your words were taken out of context. Apologize for the hurt feelings and say that you have never assigned any blame to step mother and that you had no desire to dredge up a 30 year old divorce. However you send it make sure your father will see it. You husband needs to call his mother to the carpet. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a MIL who wants people to take sides in a 40 year old divorce. It's exhausting. |
Anonymous
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I think your dad and step-mother are probably in the wrong here, as they are the type of people who cut immediate family members out of their lives.
I think your step-mother has always believed your mom cheated on your dad because she didn't want to think of herself as the kind of person who married a cheater, or that your dad could cheat on her. Maybe it has been so long your dad believes his own bullshit. Based on your experience with your mom your entire life, you believe what she told you. You are probably right. |