Anyone grow up with a sibling that was the "favorite"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was always painfully aware that my younger sister was the favorite. Yes, it sucked. What kind of advice are you looking for here?

Anything I can do? I mean does it really help to get a bunch of attention from an "aunt" when you are 1.5 and your mother is ignoring you in favor of her golden child?

Nope. It will work itself out. All I can say is that to be the favored child is to be handicapped (in quite intangible ways); but to interfere is to overcompensate. The kids will have to figure it out themselves, and the outcome will have nothing to do with each other, in the end. It won't make sense until you see it play out. Let it be, OP. You don't want to be the one interfering and handicapping one of the children, unintentionally.

[Anonymous]

Older sister has always had our mom wrapped around her little finger. It doesn't bother me too much. It made me more self-reliant, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My brother was totally The Golden Child. He didn't fall from grace until his mid 30's when he married a shiksa who didn't fall all over herself sucking up to my mother.

My mom made him special meals on the first day of school but not me, she ALWAYS took his side when he and I were fighting, when he would do something wrong she'd punish and then let it go whereas with me she's STILL bringing up that thing I broke in 1981, etc.

It's annoying. My brother admits he was her favorite. I was my grandma's favorite. My mother won't admit it or that she treated him better. Whatever.

Poor classless bitter you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My brother was totally The Golden Child. He didn't fall from grace until his mid 30's when he married a shiksa who didn't fall all over herself sucking up to my mother.

My mom made him special meals on the first day of school but not me, she ALWAYS took his side when he and I were fighting, when he would do something wrong she'd punish and then let it go whereas with me she's STILL bringing up that thing I broke in 1981, etc.

It's annoying. My brother admits he was her favorite. I was my grandma's favorite. My mother won't admit it or that she treated him better. Whatever.

Poor classless bitter you.

NP but WTF?

[Anonymous]

OP, nothing will fix the damage that the mother is doing to both kids, but you can be a warm, loving, affirming presence in the unfavored one's life. Any adult love and positive recognition helps.

My mother was abusive and begrudging to me, and doted on my brother. My brother and I loved each other, and left to ourselves, would get along fine and be pretty mellow, but she pitted us against each other constantly, and we fought as kids because of that. He carried a lot of guilt and anxiety into adulthood from the way she treated us so differently. I grew up feeling something must be terribly wrong with me if my own mother didn't like me. After all, she adored my brother, so it must be something about me.

Not surprisingly, my husband has a similar mother who treated him even worse. We both have distanced ourselves from the mothers and work hard on trying to mother ourselves. It's a really crappy handicap to put on a person, to have a mother who treats you that way. I would have been better off with no mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is interesting for me as the parent of two very different children. The older one has had health issues from birth and is twice exceptional (gifted and learning disabled); and the second is healthy and above average in everything.

I find myself spending so much more time with DC1, and I hope I have explained enough and shown my love to both enough, that DC2 will understand why I need to do this, and not see it as a slight. The gestures and thoughts of daily life are so difficult for DC1, while DC2 can take care of himself so competently. I am also afraid DC1 will resent me for being so trusting of DC2, who is organized and handy, whereas I constantly check on motor-challenged and forgetful DC1 for spills, lost items, time spent on various tasks, etc...

I tell them I love them every day. I hug them tight. I encourage them to bond and play. I hope I'm doing enough. But I can't parent them the same way.

Nope. A kid can't not understand it in the adult level you expect.

Your child became an expert I taking are of himself because he had to.

Dc2 believes DC1 is the favorite and sadly his organized and handy behavior probably stems from his own idea that if he is just perfect, you will love him.

+1

Sadly, this is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is interesting for me as the parent of two very different children. The older one has had health issues from birth and is twice exceptional (gifted and learning disabled); and the second is healthy and above average in everything.

I find myself spending so much more time with DC1, and I hope I have explained enough and shown my love to both enough, that DC2 will understand why I need to do this, and not see it as a slight. The gestures and thoughts of daily life are so difficult for DC1, while DC2 can take care of himself so competently. I am also afraid DC1 will resent me for being so trusting of DC2, who is organized and handy, whereas I constantly check on motor-challenged and forgetful DC1 for spills, lost items, time spent on various tasks, etc...

I tell them I love them every day. I hug them tight. I encourage them to bond and play. I hope I'm doing enough. But I can't parent them the same way.

Nope. A kid can't not understand it in the adult level you expect.

Your child became an expert I taking are of himself because he had to.

Dc2 believes DC1 is the favorite and sadly his organized and handy behavior probably stems from his own idea that if he is just perfect, you will love him.

+1

Sadly, this is true.

You are probably also damaging the future relationship between the two kids.

[Anonymous]

True to the Latino legacy of misogyny/blatant male privilege, my Cuban mother clearly favored/favors my brother (I'm a woman). I started doing laundry at eleven - she washed his until he left home. His only chore was taking out the trash. She totally babied him, whereas I had to grow up quickly.

Sucks, but this is quite common in Latino households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is interesting for me as the parent of two very different children. The older one has had health issues from birth and is twice exceptional (gifted and learning disabled); and the second is healthy and above average in everything.

I find myself spending so much more time with DC1, and I hope I have explained enough and shown my love to both enough, that DC2 will understand why I need to do this, and not see it as a slight. The gestures and thoughts of daily life are so difficult for DC1, while DC2 can take care of himself so competently. I am also afraid DC1 will resent me for being so trusting of DC2, who is organized and handy, whereas I constantly check on motor-challenged and forgetful DC1 for spills, lost items, time spent on various tasks, etc...

I tell them I love them every day. I hug them tight. I encourage them to bond and play. I hope I'm doing enough. But I can't parent them the same way.

Nope. A kid can't not understand it in the adult level you expect.

Your child became an expert I taking are of himself because he had to.

Dc2 believes DC1 is the favorite and sadly his organized and handy behavior probably stems from his own idea that if he is just perfect, you will love him.

+1

+2 I've seen this dynamic over and over again. You need to set aside one-on-one time for DC2.

Sadly, this is true.

[Anonymous]

My brother was the favorite. He could do no wrong, and when he did, mother and grandmothers would laugh about it. He was babied, and bailed out financially many times. I would do something similar, and was punished and scolded. Because of all the babying and protecting, he is a hot mess. Drinks too much, lost his job, divorced 3 times, has had to live at home on several occasions in order to get himself back on track. Since I had to be more independent and take care of myself, I got out of the house and town as fast as I could...no looking back. I have made a wonderful life for myself, and now my mother brags about me and my home on FB. So stupid. We never have and never will have a close relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was always painfully aware that my younger sister was the favorite. Yes, it sucked. What kind of advice are you looking for here?

Anything I can do? I mean does it really help to get a bunch of attention from an "aunt" when you are 1.5 and your mother is ignoring you in favor of her golden child?

No, it won't fix it, but it still will be valuable. I was the very unfavored child and my life was very quiet bc my mother never spent any time talking to me or being with me. I would have really benefited if I had a mentor or favorite aunt or uncle or whatever.

This is so true. I know my life would have been different if any adult in my family took a mentoring interest in my development. You can do a lot of good, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True to the Latino legacy of misogyny/blatant male privilege, my Cuban mother clearly favored/favors my brother (I'm a woman). I started doing laundry at eleven - she washed his until he left home. His only chore was taking out the trash. She totally babied him, whereas I had to grow up quickly.

Sucks, but this is quite common in Latino households.

Irish, too. My brothers never had a chore their entire time living at home. I was out shoveling snow, so my mother wouldn't have to after working all day....while my brothers were inside playing video games, for example.

The old joke....how do you know Jesus was Irish? He was 33, lived at home, didn't hold a job, hung around with whores, and his mother thought he was the son of God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

[Anonymous]

DH often says his sister was a favorite, and he was an afterthought. I think he concluded this after comparing the monetary value of presents they got as children LOL Their relationship is not close, but quite cordial.

[Anonymous]

And I thought I had family problems...

OP, yes, being a loving presence in the life of a 1.5 year old is important and does make a difference. If you're feeling it, love this baby as much as an aunt can