Anyone grow up with a sibling that was the "favorite"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Ok that just makes you sound dumb. Really? You can't figure out how "favoring" would work? What is even more dumb is to think this is something to be smug about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Ok that just makes you sound dumb. Really? You can't figure out how "favoring" would work? What is even more dumb is to think this is something to be smug about.

AMEN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True to the Latino legacy of misogyny/blatant male privilege, my Cuban mother clearly favored/favors my brother (I'm a woman). I started doing laundry at eleven - she washed his until he left home. His only chore was taking out the trash. She totally babied him, whereas I had to grow up quickly.

Sucks, but this is quite common in Latino households.

Irish, too. My brothers never had a chore their entire time living at home. I was out shoveling snow, so my mother wouldn't have to after working all day....while my brothers were inside playing video games, for example.

The old joke....how do you know Jesus was Irish? He was 33, lived at home, didn't hold a job, hung around with whores, and his mother thought he was the son of God.

??? love this! PP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True to the Latino legacy of misogyny/blatant male privilege, my Cuban mother clearly favored/favors my brother (I'm a woman). I started doing laundry at eleven - she washed his until he left home. His only chore was taking out the trash. She totally babied him, whereas I had to grow up quickly.

Sucks, but this is quite common in Latino households.

Irish, too. My brothers never had a chore their entire time living at home. I was out shoveling snow, so my mother wouldn't have to after working all day....while my brothers were inside playing video games, for example.

The old joke....how do you know Jesus was Irish? He was 33, lived at home, didn't hold a job, hung around with whores, and his mother thought he was the son of God.

??? love this! PP here.

not sure what happened

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DH was and is still the favorite. He's very successful, and his brother is a complete loser. No job or car kind of loser. Maybe $100 to his name.

It might depend on birth order. I say this because most children I know, who were not favored, but are younger, developed an "I'll show you" mentality, and successfully rebelled against very clearly not being the favorite in their families. The favored children were coddled, and the coddling really did them no favors. They were given the distinct idea that they could do no wrong, and put on a pedestal, for life. Consequently, they are unmotivated slackers who contribute zero to anything, but have rather large opinions of themselves. The non-favored children came out far more successful and far more grounded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DH was and is still the favorite. He's very successful, and his brother is a complete loser. No job or car kind of loser. Maybe $100 to his name.

It might depend on birth order. I say this because most children I know, who were not favored, but are younger, developed an "I'll show you" mentality, and successfully rebelled against very clearly not being the favorite in their families. The favored children were coddled, and the coddling really did them no favors. They were given the distinct idea that they could do no wrong, and put on a pedestal, for life. Consequently, they are unmotivated slackers who contribute zero to anything, but have rather large opinions of themselves. The non-favored children came out far more successful and far more grounded.

+1. My baby brother is like this. Mom spoiled him and he still lives at home at middle age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Ok that just makes you sound dumb. Really? You can't figure out how "favoring" would work? What is even more dumb is to think this is something to be smug about.

AMEN!

Wow. Did all your husbands cheat on you today or something?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I wasn't the favorite or was just the most neglected, but as a middle child I often felt left-out and unwanted. This is partially because my sister had some health problems and my younger brother was the boy, I think. But I always grew up feeling that my parents liked me a little bit less, or at least cared a bit less. It was worse because my grandmother, who is probably the most involved relative in our lives, clearly favored my sister (who was her first grandchild overall) as well.

We do have a very close family friend who is basically like an aunt to us, and over the years she has really reached out to me and gone the extra mile to be close to me. That does help in a certain way. It doesn't mitigate what my parents did, but it eases the blow of feeling like the people who are supposed to care about you the most don't like you as much.

So as an aunt, you might not be able to fix the problem, but your love and support could provide that broader "village" of support that makes things easier in the long run.

[Anonymous]

My older sister married and had kids ten years later then me. Her oldest son os treated so badly compared to his younger sister and adopted brother.

I suspect it is because she had a very specific idea of what she wanted in a son and he didnt fit it. She is very clear that she wanted a chubby, brown eyed highly sociable kid. Instead her oldest ds (now 22) has always been skinny (just like his dad), with light blue eyes and a more independent, reserved personality. Probably didnt exactly help that DS had pretty severe speech impediment as a kid.

His sister was born four years later and treated so much better. And then when DS was 10 they fostered (eventually adopted) his younger brother, who they treat as a god among men despite some serious warning signs of mental illness (interestingly, their older DS is the only one who dares to bring this up).

Some of my sisters worst actions:

When DS was 15 he was told they would teach him to drive, but that they would never help pay for a car/insurance as that was a responsibility that was part of driving. When DS turned 16 she was given a car and they still pay her insurance. When DS brought this up, suddenly the only reason they didn't do the same thing for him was that he wasn't responsible (DD keeps the car in a disgusting, messy, barely running state. I learned this over Christmas as DS was complaining about how his parents had forced him to clean the car out).

When DS was in 9th grade mom found a little plastic baggy in one of her husband's coats, that she assumed was a bag from weed that oldest son had hid in there for some reason. Ever since she has been convinced DS is a pothead. She admitted to me there was absolutely no weed on the bag, or even residue. And at the time she worked in social work/nursing and would distribute pills in small plastic bags for some of her mentally ill clients. And she often borrowed said coat from the dad. Her oldest son never did according to him.

Last month one of the cousins got married over the weekend. He wasnt close to my sister or her family, so we weren't really expecting any of the kids to show up. Well, my sister shows up with DD, says the oldest son couldnt get off work. My daughter posts a picture of all the cousins noting that we missed seeing the son there and hope work went well. The son comments that he actually really wanted to go, had gotten off work for the week but his mom (who had ppreviously said they would pay the airfare) told him they were trying to save money and not to worry, she was going to just go up alone. They paid for two flights for his sister, from North Carolina (where she is on a gap year before college) to Boston (where they live) and then to the wedding in Arizona.

Dd is involved in a VERY expensive hobby. They bought her several horses, pay for room and board for them and gone out of their way to make sure she gets the opportunity to do that. When DS wanted to persue rock climbing and backpacking as a teen they tried to talk him out of it, and when they finally gave in, acted like his comparably cheap hobby was breaking the bank (if its not obvious, they are very well off, each parent makes 100000+ a year).

Dd has never worked for money, has no intentions to start working, and only dream seems to be to open a stable and take care of horses all her life - and sees this as a reasonable goal without ever actually working for a wage. Ds has had shitty part time jobs since he was 17 and for the past two years has worked 40+ hours a week while going to school full time (and getting good grades). He now works in one of the best restaurants in the city he lives in. Guess which is the lazy kid with no work ethic? Ds.

There is so much more. In the end I feel bad for my sister. Her oldest Ds, despite this, is a great, hard working, highly ontelligent young man who she will never have a real relationship with. I think thats what stings me most - the Ds is a great guy, her dd is a selfish brat.

We all met up at our family's shared vacation house over this last Christmas up by a ski resort. Ds stayed the whole week we were there, enjoying the time with hos grandmother (who is now 91) reminiscing about grandpa (who died last march) and being a great family member despite the fact his own mother was hounding him the entire time. His sister? Showed up at 11:30Pm on Christmas eve, woke up at 10:30AM Christmas day and was outta there by noon to, 'Spend time with my friends' after her cousin pointed out that she was clearly hungover.

I guess I just wanted to vent. To the OP: luckily it sounds like you are close enough you can help give your sister's son some of the attention he deserves. Ive tried to do the same, but we live hours apart and so I never got the chance to do as much as I wanted. I do send him care packages every now and again.

[Anonymous]

My brother is the favorite - there are two of us now in our mid forties. He is very successful and very wealthy and has a beautiful family. He is a great dad, a wonderful husband and for many years was really unhappy. He is such a perfectionist in everything he does and I wonder if being the golden child caused him to think he always had to be that way. The favoritism was more of a burden than a blessing. Now my mom often makes comments on his kids - they are growing up to be great kids and awesome people - but she points out their "imperfections." My mom has issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Yes, because when a child is being neglected it shouldn't concern anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Ok that just makes you sound dumb. Really? You can't figure out how "favoring" would work? What is even more dumb is to think this is something to be smug about.

AMEN!

Wow. Did all your husbands cheat on you today or something?

Again, PP, WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Yes, because when a child is being neglected it shouldn't concern anyone.

Neglected? Too dramatic, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the outside looking in here. My DH's cousin's wife clearly favors her first born. It is blatant and kind of sad.

I just wonder how his only sibling will grow up feeling.

I have no clue how "favoring" even works. I hear my grandparents "favored" my cousin, but I never experienced it first-hand.

In any case, this shouldn't really concern you. The last thing the mother needs is your input on her parenting skills. Even if you're right, and she's wrong. If you feel the younger child lacks in some ways, be an awesome aunt to that child!

Ok that just makes you sound dumb. Really? You can't figure out how "favoring" would work? What is even more dumb is to think this is something to be smug about.

AMEN!

Wow. Did all your husbands cheat on you today or something?

Again, PP, WTF?

Too much butthurt for no reason. Something else must be going on with you.

[Anonymous]

My sister was and is clearly the favorite. I'm a boring intellectual and my sister is the cheerleader type as is my mom. In our twenties, my sister was going through a period where she wanted nothing to do with the family, got married and didn't invite the family, etc. At my wedding, my mother cried the entire time because my sister wasn't there and basically ignored me.
My husband is Middle Eastern and he's the second son. The first son is treated like the Messiah.
We joke about we are both the least favorite child (both the middle interestingly enough) and it's one of the things that draws us together.
But yeah, it sucks. I used to get Straight A's and my parents ignored it. My sister used to get gifts and candy for getting B's because my mother believed that everything was harder for her.