Anyone grow up with a sibling that was the "favorite"?

[Anonymous]

My brother was the only boy
My sister after me was "sickly"
My last sister was the baby
I was treated like a step child and blamed for everything my other siblings did

I ran away when I was 17 and never looked back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was the only boy
My sister after me was "sickly"
My last sister was the baby
I was treated like a step child and blamed for everything my other siblings did

I ran away when I was 17 and never looked back

I'm really sorry.

My mother was abandoned on the door step of her grandmother by her mom when she was two. Her favorite saying when speaking about it is "It doesn't matter who brings you into this world, it is who loves you while you are here."

I hope you have many people who love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are their kids? And how is she favoring the older one? Are you sure it's true favoring rather than being in awe of everything the first one does bc he/she does it first? I know that was the case in my family as I was second -- everything I did mattered less from walking/talking to high school graduation to getting into college -- bc they had just seen my sister do it 3 yrs prior so they had it all figured out.

4 and 1.5. She very much wanted a girl and got another boy. She was disappointed from the gender reveal ultrasound.

I witnessed her slap her 1.5's hand away when he tried to get in on a hug she was giving to 4.

She makes big special parties for 4 and didn't even have a party for 1.5's first. The grandparents threw a BBQ.

4 brings her a flower and she puts it in her hair. 1.5 does the same and she criticized that it was a weed with bugs on it.

1.5 never has anything special said about him. 4 is AMAZING and WONDEFUL and so advanced for being such a SPIRITED child.

4 has big beautiful blue eyes, 1.5 has boring brown eyes

Stuff like that.

Oh wow -- I'm the PP whose questions you're answering. I definitely felt 2nd fiddle in the milestone moments bc they just didn't mean much to the family and I can see how I wouldn't have gotten as many birthday parties (though definitely a first birthday even though I imagine it was less of a big deal), BUT I didn't feel/see the stuff that you're mentioning day to day in terms of being turned away for a hug or being told I had boring eyes or didn't pick good flowers or whatever.

Can you say anything to her or is it going to cause WW3? If not, why not dote on the little one when you're around him? How often do you see them? Pick him up, carry him around, give him hugs etc. Right now he probably doesn't get it but in another 1-2 yrs, he will and while it may not take away the hurt of being rejected by his mom, it'll be nice for him to feel that SOME adult cares about him and has a special relationship just with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are their kids? And how is she favoring the older one? Are you sure it's true favoring rather than being in awe of everything the first one does bc he/she does it first? I know that was the case in my family as I was second -- everything I did mattered less from walking/talking to high school graduation to getting into college -- bc they had just seen my sister do it 3 yrs prior so they had it all figured out.

4 and 1.5. She very much wanted a girl and got another boy. She was disappointed from the gender reveal ultrasound.

I witnessed her slap her 1.5's hand away when he tried to get in on a hug she was giving to 4.

She makes big special parties for 4 and didn't even have a party for 1.5's first. The grandparents threw a BBQ.

4 brings her a flower and she puts it in her hair. 1.5 does the same and she criticized that it was a weed with bugs on it.

1.5 never has anything special said about him. 4 is AMAZING and WONDEFUL and so advanced for being such a SPIRITED child.

4 has big beautiful blue eyes, 1.5 has boring brown eyes

Stuff like that.

Oh wow -- I'm the PP whose questions you're answering. I definitely felt 2nd fiddle in the milestone moments bc they just didn't mean much to the family and I can see how I wouldn't have gotten as many birthday parties (though definitely a first birthday even though I imagine it was less of a big deal), BUT I didn't feel/see the stuff that you're mentioning day to day in terms of being turned away for a hug or being told I had boring eyes or didn't pick good flowers or whatever.

Can you say anything to her or is it going to cause WW3? If not, why not dote on the little one when you're around him? How often do you see them? Pick him up, carry him around, give him hugs etc. Right now he probably doesn't get it but in another 1-2 yrs, he will and while it may not take away the hurt of being rejected by his mom, it'll be nice for him to feel that SOME adult cares about him and has a special relationship just with him.

Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it.

We see them 2-3 times a month-ish and spend major holidays together. She is no longer speaking to her own sibling who pointed out the obvious so I doubt having the wife of her husband's cousin say something will go much better. As for this father he is a workaholic so I don't think it is as blatant to him. Not an excuse though.

I do have a soft spot for the little guy and I do pay a great deal of attention to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are their kids? And how is she favoring the older one? Are you sure it's true favoring rather than being in awe of everything the first one does bc he/she does it first? I know that was the case in my family as I was second -- everything I did mattered less from walking/talking to high school graduation to getting into college -- bc they had just seen my sister do it 3 yrs prior so they had it all figured out.

4 and 1.5. She very much wanted a girl and got another boy. She was disappointed from the gender reveal ultrasound.

I witnessed her slap her 1.5's hand away when he tried to get in on a hug she was giving to 4.

She makes big special parties for 4 and didn't even have a party for 1.5's first. The grandparents threw a BBQ.

4 brings her a flower and she puts it in her hair. 1.5 does the same and she criticized that it was a weed with bugs on it.

1.5 never has anything special said about him. 4 is AMAZING and WONDEFUL and so advanced for being such a SPIRITED child.

4 has big beautiful blue eyes, 1.5 has boring brown eyes

I was adopted because my father thought having a girl would "soften" my mother and make her a better wife. It had the opposite effect - she was never able to hide her resentment of me and found really cruel ways to show it.

I think whatever you can do to show this child they're loved will make an impression that lasts a lifetime.

Stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are their kids? And how is she favoring the older one? Are you sure it's true favoring rather than being in awe of everything the first one does bc he/she does it first? I know that was the case in my family as I was second -- everything I did mattered less from walking/talking to high school graduation to getting into college -- bc they had just seen my sister do it 3 yrs prior so they had it all figured out.

4 and 1.5. She very much wanted a girl and got another boy. She was disappointed from the gender reveal ultrasound.

I witnessed her slap her 1.5's hand away when he tried to get in on a hug she was giving to 4.

She makes big special parties for 4 and didn't even have a party for 1.5's first. The grandparents threw a BBQ.

4 brings her a flower and she puts it in her hair. 1.5 does the same and she criticized that it was a weed with bugs on it.

1.5 never has anything special said about him. 4 is AMAZING and WONDEFUL and so advanced for being such a SPIRITED child.

4 has big beautiful blue eyes, 1.5 has boring brown eyes

Stuff like that.

Sorry - posting again to fix formatting:

I was adopted because my father thought having a girl would "soften" my mother and make her a better wife. It had the opposite effect - she was never able to hide her resentment of me and found really cruel ways to show it.

I think whatever you can do to show this child they're loved will make an impression that lasts a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DH was and is still the favorite. He's very successful, and his brother is a complete loser. No job or car kind of loser. Maybe $100 to his name.

He's probably a "loser" ( ) because his parents turned him into a total headcase by comparing him constantly with his brother. He never got the opportunity to shine and develop his own personality. I'm sure he has zero self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DH was and is still the favorite. He's very successful, and his brother is a complete loser. No job or car kind of loser. Maybe $100 to his name.

He's probably a "loser" ( ) because his parents turned him into a total headcase by comparing him constantly with his brother. He never got the opportunity to shine and develop his own personality. I'm sure he has zero self-esteem.

Pretty sure everyone understood that to be the case without your eye rolling and explanation.

I am sure the PP appreciates your clarification of her post though.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple that lost their first child to stillbirth. Heartbreaking and horrific. She got pregnant again and the second child is living in his dead brother's shadow. Unbelievable how she constantly compares son #2 to deceased baby. "X had the most beautiful curls. X doesn't. His hair is so bleh.", "X was just s beautiful child!!!! X has an enormous head."

They even had pics of the deceased child everywhere, but literally none of #2. They "boys bunked together" ....meaning ashes of baby in the room w a shrine.

Incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Obviously she was still grieving, but the poor baby #2 didn't ask to be born into this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are their kids? And how is she favoring the older one? Are you sure it's true favoring rather than being in awe of everything the first one does bc he/she does it first? I know that was the case in my family as I was second -- everything I did mattered less from walking/talking to high school graduation to getting into college -- bc they had just seen my sister do it 3 yrs prior so they had it all figured out.

4 and 1.5. She very much wanted a girl and got another boy. She was disappointed from the gender reveal ultrasound.

I witnessed her slap her 1.5's hand away when he tried to get in on a hug she was giving to 4.

She makes big special parties for 4 and didn't even have a party for 1.5's first. The grandparents threw a BBQ.

4 brings her a flower and she puts it in her hair. 1.5 does the same and she criticized that it was a weed with bugs on it.

1.5 never has anything special said about him. 4 is AMAZING and WONDEFUL and so advanced for being such a SPIRITED child.

4 has big beautiful blue eyes, 1.5 has boring brown eyes

Stuff like that.

Oh wow -- I'm the PP whose questions you're answering. I definitely felt 2nd fiddle in the milestone moments bc they just didn't mean much to the family and I can see how I wouldn't have gotten as many birthday parties (though definitely a first birthday even though I imagine it was less of a big deal), BUT I didn't feel/see the stuff that you're mentioning day to day in terms of being turned away for a hug or being told I had boring eyes or didn't pick good flowers or whatever.

Can you say anything to her or is it going to cause WW3? If not, why not dote on the little one when you're around him? How often do you see them? Pick him up, carry him around, give him hugs etc. Right now he probably doesn't get it but in another 1-2 yrs, he will and while it may not take away the hurt of being rejected by his mom, it'll be nice for him to feel that SOME adult cares about him and has a special relationship just with him.

Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it.

We see them 2-3 times a month-ish and spend major holidays together. She is no longer speaking to her own sibling who pointed out the obvious so I doubt having the wife of her husband's cousin say something will go much better. As for this father he is a workaholic so I don't think it is as blatant to him. Not an excuse though.

I do have a soft spot for the little guy and I do pay a great deal of attention to him.

2-3 times a month plus holidays is a lot and you and your DH will have a chance to have an impact on him if you want -- w/o ever saying anything to his mom. Right now its just about playing with him and doting on him. In another yr or 2, he'll notice that no one cares to look at his art projects that he makes in nursery school or when he tries to sing whatever song they'll sing at the preschool Christmas show, his mother tells him to be quiet. So it'll be about showing interest in what matters to him and asking what he's been up to since you last came over 3 weeks ago. Over time -- if you can do it subtly -- you REALLY should steer him into interests that differ from his older brother. You know whatever his older bro does, mom will act like he hung the moon. So if older bro is playing baseball, maybe see if you can gently steer this guy to soccer -- bc at least it'll cut off a line of comparison bc Mom won't be able to say -- Harrison got 3 RBIs and stupid Jaden just picked his nose in left field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple that lost their first child to stillbirth. Heartbreaking and horrific. She got pregnant again and the second child is living in his dead brother's shadow. Unbelievable how she constantly compares son #2 to deceased baby. "X had the most beautiful curls. X doesn't. His hair is so bleh.", "X was just s beautiful child!!!! X has an enormous head."

They even had pics of the deceased child everywhere, but literally none of #2. They "boys bunked together" ....meaning ashes of baby in the room w a shrine.

Incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Obviously she was still grieving, but the poor baby #2 didn't ask to be born into this situation.

Oh wow --how long ago was the stillbirth and how old is child no. 2 now? I imagine she's not open to therapy? It may get easier as child no. 2 gets past the newborn age bc she won't be able to say --child no. 1 was friendly or not; cried when he saw Santa or not; was athletic or not. Whereas with babies she can compare based on looks alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple that lost their first child to stillbirth. Heartbreaking and horrific. She got pregnant again and the second child is living in his dead brother's shadow. Unbelievable how she constantly compares son #2 to deceased baby. "X had the most beautiful curls. X doesn't. His hair is so bleh.", "X was just s beautiful child!!!! X has an enormous head."

They even had pics of the deceased child everywhere, but literally none of #2. They "boys bunked together" ....meaning ashes of baby in the room w a shrine.

Incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Obviously she was still grieving, but the poor baby #2 didn't ask to be born into this situation.

Oh wow --how long ago was the stillbirth and how old is child no. 2 now? I imagine she's not open to therapy? It may get easier as child no. 2 gets past the newborn age bc she won't be able to say --child no. 1 was friendly or not; cried when he saw Santa or not; was athletic or not. Whereas with babies she can compare based on looks alone.

She lost the baby in the spring and was pregnant that fall. I think she had some PPD, too.

Sounds like Vincent Van Gogh's life story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My brother was totally The Golden Child. He didn't fall from grace until his mid 30's when he married a shiksa who didn't fall all over herself sucking up to my mother.

My mom made him special meals on the first day of school but not me, she ALWAYS took his side when he and I were fighting, when he would do something wrong she'd punish and then let it go whereas with me she's STILL bringing up that thing I broke in 1981, etc.

It's annoying. My brother admits he was her favorite. I was my grandma's favorite. My mother won't admit it or that she treated him better. Whatever.

Clever guy.

[Anonymous]

I feel like my sibling was the favorite. She got special treatment and help with her career. Parents live near her and far from me. Her kids have had more perks than mine have. It's a chronic pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DH was and is still the favorite. He's very successful, and his brother is a complete loser. No job or car kind of loser. Maybe $100 to his name.

He's probably a "loser" ( ) because his parents turned him into a total headcase by comparing him constantly with his brother. He never got the opportunity to shine and develop his own personality. I'm sure he has zero self-esteem.

Pretty sure everyone understood that to be the case without your eye rolling and explanation.

I am sure the PP appreciates your clarification of her post though.

Actually the original poster seems to lack even a shred of compassion for the "complete loser" brother, so the explanation was very likely needed.