I hate my mother

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for this woman-she is basically been ignored by her mom and her sisters and now her daughter. I don't care what was going on, I wouldn't want my grandmother to snub my mom esp. if I knew she was an addict and needed help. A lot of mean people out in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for this woman-she is basically been ignored by her mom and her sisters and now her daughter. I don't care what was going on, I wouldn't want my grandmother to snub my mom esp. if I knew she was an addict and needed help. A lot of mean people out in DC.

so did you not read this, or do you just not believe OP about this part:

"My two aunts saw/took care of my grandmother every day. My mother saw her once a year at best."

Reading OP's posts, what makes you think the aunts and grandmother ignored this woman? Sounds like the other way around to me -- sounds like OPs mom had no interest in her mom over the years but now that her mother has died she has plenty of interest in the will. I'm not sure how that's a snub from mother to daughter, to me it seems like OPs mother snubbed her OWN mother. And now that woman is trying to take money not away from her sisters, but her own daughter and her grandson. This person sounds pretty messed up to me, so I'm not sure why you feel so bad for her.

[Anonymous]

And, regardless (adding to the PP) it was the Grandmother's last wishes. Period. You don't and shouldn't -imo, and in the absence of some sort of duress- substitute your opinion for the deceased.

Also agree that the mother sounds like an awful person. If nothing else, marching in after having very little to do with her and then demanding a piece of the estate. Disgusting, imo.

[Anonymous]

To paraphrase Montaigne: the wishes of the deceased don't count for much. Personally, after I die I want my family to do what works for them. How you treat a person while they're alive matters much more than how you dispose of their things after they are in no position to care.

[Anonymous]

i hate your mother, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To paraphrase Montaigne: the wishes of the deceased don't count for much. Personally, after I die I want my family to do what works for them. How you treat a person while they're alive matters much more than how you dispose of their things after they are in no position to care.

I'm not sure if you're the poster siding with OP's mother or someone else, but I can't make sense of your post. I guess I can see the Montaigne reference (though he was referring specifically to the dead's right to privacy from post-mortem publication) but it's just not relevant. In any event, the wishes of the dead CAN be enforced and often are -- that is why people write a will. When wills are contested, loosely written, or circumstances change greatly in the years following the death, those wishes are sometimes compromised, but it's not like a free for all, which is what will happen if you give your family no guidance on your estate.

Even the tightest knit families are capable of fighting over an estate, however meager. It doesn't have to be greed or corruption or anything like that at all, either. All it takes is one family member who feels slighted, or one family member who has a different interpretation of what is fair, or two survivors who have an equally deep desire for something (maybe not monetary but rather sentimental), for an irrepairable fissure to develop among your survivors. I hope you will reconsider giving your family guidance when the time comes.

As for others, you can't judge what they do if you don't know their situation. My parents have three of us. My brother is an addict. It's not that he doesn't deserve a piece of their estate, but right now he is not in a position to receive a lump sum of money -- he would go out and kill himself with heroin with that kind of money. If my parents passed away right now, my brother would have a small allowance set up with someone controlling the purse strings, for his own good. He does not have a child, but if he did, they would be smart to set up a trust for his child with that portion of their estate could benefit this child as well. Do you think that it's wrong to give any guidance under any circumstances? Or just in your circumstances and OP's?

[Anonymous]

I do not wish to defend OP's mother, who sounds utterly dreadful and a gawdawful mom. However, her anger is deep-rooted, and it's directed at her mother. What's sad here is that her daughter, who clearly loves her mom, is the one getting hurt by her mother's anger at her own mother.

OP, you are right to wash your hands of this situation. If neither your mom, nor stepdad will listen to reason, you have to protect yourself emotionally. Your mother sounds so far gone that stopping all contact with her won't do much. She'll probably turn around and cut you out of her will for spite. But you need some distance from this situation, so staying away from her until this is over is probably the best solution.

Cutting a child out of a will is a final slap in the face from beyond the grave -- so utterly painful to the recipient that she feels compelled to slap back at anyone. OP, your mom made some effort to reestablish contact with her mother shortly before she died. In your mom's twisted thinking, she may have felt that was enough to bring her back into the fold.

How horrible for your family to go through this. A friend's family went through something similar. The judge threw the case out, saying it was outrageous that it ended up in a courtroom. But meanwhile, my friend's family had spent thousands in legal fees defending themselves from the aggrieved branch of the family. Stay out of it if you can, OP. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Montaigne poster here. Actually, I was referring to his thoughts on the irrelevance of the wishes of the deceased to planning their funerals. My larger point is that I would not necessarily feel bound to follow the wishes of the dead just as a matter of principle.

They don't have all the information that we do. Let's say that your parents cut your brother out of their will because he was an addict at the time of their deaths. But five years later he recovers. Would you never give him a penny because of your parents' wishes? Of course not.

Cindy McCain's dad left her millions but only left 10K to her older sister. Some would not share with the sister based on dad's wishes. If I were Cindy I would not feel bound by those wishes because he gave the money to me. That means it's mine now to share with my sister if I wish. Conversely, even if he wanted me to give it to a certain charity I would not feel I had to do so. He should have given it to the charity himself if that was so important to him.

The dead are dead. I'm alive. So I make the decisions.

[Anonymous]

PP, this is OP. I get what you are saying. My Grandmother had issues with my mother going back decades. She is a prescription pill popper so she wouldn't blow the money on drugs. My mom is the oldest child, and feels wronged that the youngest aunt is executor and in charge. After not speaking to my grandmother for years my mom came back into the picture 2 months before GMA passed. I do not know what else transpired or why my GMA did what she did. No one is keeping money from my mom, my mom is wealthy. She does not need the money. And my GMA left my mom $5,000. My middle aunt is a basket case, alcoholic, serious drug abuser and my GMA still left her 1/3 minus the $33,000 that she was already given. There is something deeper going on with my mom and GMA. Frankly I just want no part of it anymore. If the money comes my way it does, if my mom contests and wins I do not care. She is a spiteful, bitter, sick person. I am sure she is hurt but I can't imagine the hurt she inflicted on my GMA for years and years and years. At this point it is just surreal. They missed my child's bday party, are calling me names, they are insisted there is some lump sum of cash unaccounted for which is insane and yes, another poster called it, they have threatened to remove me from their will. My Gma had her house and her social security. She was not wealthy and not hiding money. I have to laugh because after the funeral my mother basically ransacked GMA's house and took what she wanted. No one said anything even though the items were not hers to take.

I feel drained, hurt and like my mother is out of control at this point. If I could just give it all to her to make her go away I would.

[Anonymous]

Well, my mom ccontested today and got her lawyers involved. She is also representing my other Aunt who she has brainwashed. Good times. My stepfather also told me "they no longer no me". All over at most $60,000. CRAZY.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am just so, so sorry about this. What a dreadful thing to have happen to you. Your mom and her husband sound like they have deep problems -- those problems are not with you, they are simply taking something out on you. Please keep that in mind. Do what you think is right. Your mom may have a right to be upset or she may not -- obviously none of us know how she is feeling right now. I can only suggest that you keep your own family (your spouse, your child) close to you and focus on moving forward, not backwards. If your stepdad is being unpleasant to you, cut off contact until he and your mother can calm down. Tell them "I love you, but you have no right to treat me this way and are hurting me, and I would like you to call me again when we can talk rationally." If they don't calll you, you can't make them. All you can do here is react to what they're doing in a way that protects you and your own family. Good luck -- sending you cyberhugs.

[Anonymous]

I hope your mom gets nothing. Sorry you are dealing with this, OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP--I am so sorry. This is just hideous. I can only imagine how crappy you must be feeling today. All I can say is just be grateful you are not such a person, and take comfort in forging a close relationship with your children that in no way resembles this one. Please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to get slammed on this but I hate when I see things like this happen. I don't care how mad I was at my kids, I would first give everything to my husband as that is the natural order of things..sorry but I totally understand why the mother wanted the extra money..kids should wait until both parents are dead--if they are married why should their joint property be given away before both are dead??? As for the grandmom..I would have divided up equally. Why and I hate the old "estrangement" story because life is a long time and if you give birth to children, they are always your kids. I would have enough sense to know that if I give more to one child, then it would drive a permanent wedge in the remaining relationships and I would always hope that my kids could get along at some point. I also would not want to drive a wedge between my daughter and her children. This is what your grandmother did from the grave. She created drama. She should have given equal amounts to all her kids and then put something aside for grandchildren but pushing on child out and giving to her kids is just mean. I don't care if it is justified, it creates problems.

I agree with this. I think the OP should simply offer to give her child's share to her mother and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this situation just sucks. However, if your mom wants to contest the will, let her. She will have to find herself an attorney and she will have to pay dearly for his/her services. I don't know what state the will originated in, but I know in VA that lawyers cannot take will contests on contingency -- and that is likely to be fairly uniform. Litigation is expensive. Tell your aunt to stop taking her calls. Tell your other family members not to bargain with her. Tell the executor to proceed with the probate process. Your mother will have to find an attorney, pay them, and have them mount the necessary contest in the prescribed period of time allotted by the statutes in the state in question. Don't sweat it. It is unlikely to get very far.

The will originated in Chicago, IL. I am an only child and there are no cousins. It hurts because I am the only grandchlid and my grandmother did this more for my children than for me. I spoke to the lawyer and I do understand it is my mom's legal right to contest. I could just do without this stress, I dont want the money at this point.

Ah, but you actually really do want the money. Go back and read your own posts here and go ahead be honest with yourself. If you didn't really want the money, you would just shrug off your mother's choice to contest and not worry about it and certainly not post about it or know the dollar amount.

You can't miss something you never really had anyway so while someone (in this case your grandmother) dangled the carrot in front of you it doesn't seem like it was really yours. If in fact ofyour grandmother was of sound mind when she wrote the will, the dig she made toward your mother by calling you her "daughter" didn't do you any favors and really makes her the one who is responsible for you not getting share.

From what the lawyer told me if my mother contests the will my son loses his $30,000 and I do not want that to happen. I really do not want any money from the sale of the house. I am honestly appaled at my mother's behavior. The story gets better. I have two aunts, one is executor of the estate. This aunt I am very close to and my mother does not like. My other aunt is 52 and also an alcoholic. My grandmother paid her bills thus her share is minus $33k of bills my grandmother has deducted from her inheritance. In the hospital as m grandmother died she asked my mother to be a "family", "respect her wishes" and to take care of her sisters. My mother has now assumed some twisted "mother"role for this sister she has not been in contact with for ten years, sending her a laptop and money. Together they sit on the phone and bash the other sister - you know, because my grandmother didn't want them to be her family as well??? So, it is ok for my mother to over-assume a mother role for her adult-addict sister but to "have to contest the will" because she feels it is not right and it is not what her mother wanted, the mother she hasn't spoken to in years.

Family drama, it sucks. I am an only child and have no cousins. I am saddened that my mother will contest, I am saddened she feels this is not what my grandmother wanted and I am saddened she would take away from her own grandchildren. I feel kicked in the face and drained. I wont and cant stop her from contesting but I just thought she would value her relationship with me more than a silly piece of paper. I told her she could have the money, I'll give it to her. It is not worth the energy or pain.

Gosh, you are no better than your mom or your grandmother. You are also the creator of unnecessary drama. I do not feel sorry for you. Just give her the money and stop complaining. Your grandmother should have given it to her in the first place.