s/o do you judge your friends who divorce

[Anonymous]

no! i don't judge at ALL. could be anybody. i feel sympathy for my friends who have divorced.

[Anonymous]

I do. I wonder what happened.

[Anonymous]

I judge when they bitch about their ex relentlessly and critisize their parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I judge how people divorce but not the fact that they are divorcing. Jerks who get super hostile and put their children through hell? I judge. People who decided they were done and act like adults and keep the drama between the adults? No judgement. No kids? Kudos to you for knowing it was wrong before kids!

I agree, and especially those who cheated on the spouse and kids. I usually hope they get their just desserts after doing that to their family.

+1. Actually have several friends that divorced. I'm close enough to know their version of why and agree their later partners were a much better match. Not that my opinion matters nor do I voice it. The types of behavior that I don't respect - constantly bad mouthing the ex or not trying to co-parent, moving away from your kid so you are barely involved, not easing gently into the next relationship and having adult sleepovers with the kids in the house early in the dating process.

[Anonymous]

When I was in my 20s and 30s I worked with or knew of enough people who divorced, all of whom said divorce was horrible. Some of them remarried and are happy, and had more kids.

I divorced and I saw the red flag, hoped for the best and didn't follow my gut. 10 years later I finally broke it off, through a divorce. Could not live with a passive aggressive individual, but should have RAN in grad school.

But I stopped giving relationship advice back in college - too many people kept getting back together or apart to chime in on anything. Same for divorce, probably should have broke up before the stakes got higher but thought it could work out and it did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged

Don't worry. The vast majority of your friends and neighbors are NOT judging you. We love you and want you to be happy. We may love your husband, too, and be sad you are splitting but that does not translate into judgment.

Most adults are mature enough to know what they don't know -- meaning they can never really know what goes on inside a marriage and are in no position to pass judgement.

You might be judged. I know people who judge me. But those folks are not my friends, and have no inkling of what my life was like, or the kind of hell my exH put our family through. I have sole custody of the kids and he gets visitation (his choice), he refuses to pay child support, but if you look on FB, he looks like super-dad.

I know for a fact he bad mouths me and plays the victim. But I'm ok with it. I'm happier and healthier, and so are my kids. We no longer live in chaos or tension. So judge away...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I know two things first hand:

1) Marriage is hard and complex and long (Been married 15 years)
2) Divorce is hard and complex and long (having lived through 2 of them as a child.)

I have nothing but sympathy when I hear people are splitting.

+1. I feel the same and especially when children are involved.

+1. I just feel sad for the kids.
I used to try to judge who was in the wrong, but I realize even friends might not know all the details of what really went on in a marriage.

My brother got divorced and only a handful of people (my parents, me) know the main reason, that he was being battered by his wife. He was ashamed to tell anyone because he was the guy, guys are not the ones being hit, it was an atypical situation. His wife has issues including self harming and she even beats up her own younger brother (witnessed by my brother) so her immediate family knows this about her. But she acts totally normal and I would have never ever ever guessed it about her.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Then again, I am a ENFJ on Myers Briggs. Just part of my personality.

I judge when there seems to be zero interest or attempt to go to counseling, or mediation or time to consider the consequences or even fight for the marriage. I judge when the dating other people starts before the marriage ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no! i don't judge at ALL. could be anybody. i feel sympathy for my friends who have divorced.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged

Most normal, caring, empathetic people are not judging you. They understand that life is messy. Those who judge you are not perfect either. Best of luck to you and hope you find happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged

So when you vowed "in sickness and in health" that did not include anxiety? Ok, got it.

[Anonymous]

Not my place or anyone else's place to judge other peoples marriage. Always more to any story you hear anyways. I say worry about your own relationship, not others. People who judge, will be judged, will always think they are being judged. Be happy with yourself and your relationship. If everyone did this, it would be a different world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

Did she tell you this was the reason or did you just get his version of events? No one can ever know what goes on in someone else's house. That superinvolved husband may be putting on a show."

Yep. How are you so sure there was no abuse or addiction? About 6 people in the world knew what was going on in my marriage. Most think my ex was a nice guy, if a bit of a slacker.

He is my husband's very close friend. He is not an addict or an abuser. He got a big (almost 7 figure) payout from his previous company that sold and as soon as it hit their account, she ask for a divorce out of the clear blue sky. Her children were 5, 2, and 2 at the time. She did not ask for counseling. She did not suggest a trial separation. She could not even articulate to him what he "did wrong." She just said she didn't want to be married anymore.

[Anonymous]

I judge cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge when they bitch about their ex relentlessly and critisize their parenting skills.

I was married to a decent guy who wanted to have a baby too.
He was a TERRIBLE father. I mean, shockingly irresponsible. I could tell you stories.... which led to divorce.
So yes, now I bitch, "who drops the kids off at 3pm without having fed them lunch, brushed their hair or teeth, put them in clean clothes, and without using a flipping SEAT BELT???"

So by all means, judge me and not the neglectful ex, "friend".