s/o do you judge your friends who divorce

[Anonymous]

Nope. I know two things first hand:

1) Marriage is hard and complex and long (Been married 15 years)
2) Divorce is hard and complex and long (having lived through 2 of them as a child.)

I have nothing but sympathy when I hear people are splitting.

[Anonymous]

Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

[Anonymous]

Sure I do. But the judgment runs in various different directions -- e.g. they are dipshits who were probably the cause of turmoil in the marriage; they chose poorly; they are selfish.

In most cases, where you choose carefully, are willing to work hard, and are willing to compromise, you should be able to make marriage work. Sure, it's possible that someone makes a left turn that couldn't be anticipated by their behavior before the marriage. But I think that's somewhat rare.

[Anonymous]

I wonder why some of them (clearly mismatched) delayed it for so long.

And why do people continue to reproduce when their marriage is bad???

[Anonymous]

You never know what's going on in someone's marriage. So no. But I don't ask a ton of questions either, although I'm glad to listen. So I've never had someone shrug and say that they fell in love with their secretary or weren't personally fulfilled. While your kids are young, I assume you have a good reason (better than because that's what I feel like this morning/ the flavor of the month, etc). I also assume there is not a better solution (compromise, counseling). Because you love your kids enough to give it a really good try. If you tell me that's not the case, then yes, I guess I would judge.

I will absolutely judge you for being a crappy co-parent at the expense of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I know two things first hand:

1) Marriage is hard and complex and long (Been married 15 years)
2) Divorce is hard and complex and long (having lived through 2 of them as a child.)

I have nothing but sympathy when I hear people are splitting.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, with almost all of the divorces I have seen, the problems were obvious from the start. So I judge them as having made a bad decision when they got married - their judgement was bad, they were will fully blind, they were unable to see the obvious. This sounds harsh, but they were unable to correctly make one of the most important decisions of their lives. So I judge. I empathize, i am stiil their friend, I still like them....but I judge.

[Anonymous]

And why do they keep procreating?!? Our friend's ex wife later told him she knew they would eventually get divorced before any of the 3 kids were conceived!!! Really?!?

[Anonymous]

No. But I do judge parents that move away from their kids. Of course I judge a mom that moves away more harshly but they are few and far between. The few I know have mental health issues. The men that just up and leave I judge. I guess I will have to work on that part of me.

I really respect divorced parents that get along. I don't know why I care.

[Anonymous]

I've judged. Last wedding I stood up in, the bride and groom separated after 2 months... officially divorced after 10 months (at least it was 2 calendar years!).

I calculated the hundreds of dollars I spent catering to the bride's second, yes, second wedding. Gifts were not returned.

I no longer keep in contact w her. I'll keep judging!

[Anonymous]

No. How is this any of my business?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

Did she tell you this was the reason or did you just get his version of events? No one can ever know what goes on in someone else's house. That superinvolved husband may be putting on a show.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I judge. Unfortunately,

There's someone in our neighborhood who is getting divorced and they get along, but it's clear the wife was just over it and wanted something new and exciting. She kept the house and is doing all this stuff and is just happy go lucky now. The kids are older but it looks like one of them isn't happy and it just looks like the wife was just selfish about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

No, I do not judge. But, many a times I marvel at how perfect they seemed on outside when they were having their difficulties.

[Anonymous]

"Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

Did she tell you this was the reason or did you just get his version of events? No one can ever know what goes on in someone else's house. That superinvolved husband may be putting on a show."

Yep. How are you so sure there was no abuse or addiction? About 6 people in the world knew what was going on in my marriage. Most think my ex was a nice guy, if a bit of a slacker.