My child tells me he hates me daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I nominate you for DCUM's "Parent of the Year"
award, not to mention "Husband of the Year"
for respecting your wife like that.

OMG, you are exactly what SO many kids need. Maybe they wouldn't be so depressed if they knew they had a parent who *really* loved them and wasn't afraid of doing the right thing when it was the hardest thing to do.

My hats off to you, Sir.

OP, I'm going to be blunt. You need to get your DH involved. Hopefully, this kid's father is the kind of dad this poster is. Frankly, I don't think this is a problem women (moms) are equipped to handle.

[Anonymous]

Stop and analyze. Is he saying it out of frustration? Is it just a phrase he uses when he's mad about something he perceives is your fault? If so, you need to break the habit. If you can see he's just venting, just say "Whoa - find a better way to tell me what the problem is or I'm not having this conversation". Is he normally a kid you can talk to in calmer moments? If so, pull him aside and tell him that his anger is hurtful and he needs to find a better vocabulary. Remind him that you can't understand what he specifically is angry about if he uses such a general blanket insult. Also remind him that saying that is not going to make you change your mind and is only going to get him punished for being disrespectful.

Now the second option is that he's saying it out of true, deep anger. In that case you need to take steps to get him help managing that. Adolescent drama can quickly become adult rage and a man who cannot respect his parents will have a tough time controlling himself around women or under frustration in the workplace. Recipe for major trouble potentially even with the law. If his words are coming with a hint of violence, get help for all of you. That's not oral teenage venting.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies so hopefully I'm not repeating the advice of others. Sometimes when something like that is going on I will wait until a quiet time in the car so they don't have to make eye contact and bring up something like "I noticed you are telling me you hate me frequently. I'm wondering what exactly about me is bothering you. Is it something specific I can improve on or just general frustration with me? Maybe it's something I can work on if you let me know what I do that's so annoying" Then listen carefully.

This age is SO tough. If he shuts you down, you may have to just let it go. They seem to have to be annoyed about everything we do at times. I tell myself "this too shall pass."

[Anonymous]

OP he is doing it to get a rise out of you. Don't take the bait. A boring response is the best one. "Sorry you feel that way, but you still need to do X like I asked you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

Yeah, but never say never. If there's anything I learned about parenting a teen it is "pick your battles" and the occasional "I hate you" would not be one I chose to fight.

And single parent: what you typed sounds totally reasonable but it it just too many words. No angry hormonal teen will respond well to that "would you like it if every time I blah blah blah..."

[Anonymous]

This is the PP.

OP: Here is my question to you. Do you think your son actually hates you right now or is he just running off his mouth.

If the former, then squashing his expression without dealing with the underlying issue will only backfire. If the latter, at a calm time, simply say it is hurting your feelings even though you don't think he means. Ask him why he wants to be hurtful and then look for a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I nominate you for DCUM's "Parent of the Year"
award, not to mention "Husband of the Year"
for respecting your wife like that.

OMG, you are exactly what SO many kids need. Maybe they wouldn't be so depressed if they knew they had a parent who *really* loved them and wasn't afraid of doing the right thing when it was the hardest thing to do.

My hats off to you, Sir.

OP, I'm going to be blunt. You need to get your DH involved. Hopefully, this kid's father is the kind of dad this poster is. Frankly, I don't think this is a problem women (moms) are equipped to handle.

The above poster is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

Forced respect does not seem like real respect to me. Yes, acting kindly to others is a must, but I don't think it's possible to "force respect" pretty much ever. They might do what you say, and follow your rules, but that's not the same thing as respect.

I don't care if they respect me or not (although why would they not?). If they don't respect me, fine -- but they have to act respectful towards me. I also believe in "forcing" kids to say please and thank you; I don't care what they feel in their heart of hearts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

Forced respect does not seem like real respect to me. Yes, acting kindly to others is a must, but I don't think it's possible to "force respect" pretty much ever. They might do what you say, and follow your rules, but that's not the same thing as respect.

I don't care if they respect me or not (although why would they not?). If they don't respect me, fine -- but they have to act respectful towards me. I also believe in "forcing" kids to say please and thank you; I don't care what they feel in their heart of hearts.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I nominate you for DCUM's "Parent of the Year"
award, not to mention "Husband of the Year"
for respecting your wife like that.

OMG, you are exactly what SO many kids need. Maybe they wouldn't be so depressed if they knew they had a parent who *really* loved them and wasn't afraid of doing the right thing when it was the hardest thing to do.

My hats off to you, Sir.

+1 awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

Obviously that family had way bigger issues than a teenager disrespecting a parent. I don't think you can compare it. OP also hasn't really given much info about their home lives. I would say in an average family it would work including mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not allowed to say "I hate you" to my mother growing up. I wanted to say it a LOT, though. We are super close today and always were - the teen years suck. I don't think a teen thinking that he hates is parents is unusual.

My mother absolutely put her foot down about me saying "I hate you" when I was a teen and in retrospect, I think that was a very good decision. It's about respect for your parents. My mom would tell me - I know you think that you hate me but you don't actually and one day, you will regret saying that. I think you can validate the kid's emotions while simultaneously requiring that he respect you enough not to say that.

I felt it was best not to tell my DS what he can and cannot say, nor to assert that he will regret it. I learned this in six years of marriage counseling in which the therapist would not permit me to talk about 'divorce'. But If I couldn't say it, how could we ever deal with it? (we didn't ever deal with it and we are now divorced.)

If my DS curses at me, I point out that "once you curse, the conversation is over" and leave the room. That is about respect. But saying "I hate you" is quite different, and the conversation should not end just because someone voices a feeling they have that you don't want to hear. Instead, it could be a starting point for a richer conversation: if DS wants to get more specific about why he hates me, I will listen carefully. Or, I might contribute a story about when I felt that way about someone, or what effect it had on someone I knew, just anecdotal not lecturing. I have told my DS that since I'm his mother, there is nothing he can say to make me stop loving him, if that is the result he's looking for, but maybe there is some other way he'd like me to respond?

This morning I asked my son if there was something he wished I did better as a mother. Surprise, he gave me some difficult feedback I needed to hear. I'm wondering if he felt comfortable doing because he knew I wouldn't get mad at him for voicing strong feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

Obviously that family had way bigger issues than a teenager disrespecting a parent. I don't think you can compare it. OP also hasn't really given much info about their home lives. I would say in an average family it would work including mine.

A Power play and using materiel good to control your child is not a good parenting plan. Just because his 1 child broke does not make him a good parent.

It's totally ridiculous. The parent sounds bipolar. The kid is disrespectful 1 time and there was no discussion, not once... just a manic rage event in the house of tearing down posters and stripping beds of bedsheets. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

Obviously that family had way bigger issues than a teenager disrespecting a parent. I don't think you can compare it. OP also hasn't really given much info about their home lives. I would say in an average family it would work including mine.

A Power play and using materiel good to control your child is not a good parenting plan. Just because his 1 child broke does not make him a good parent.

It's totally ridiculous. The parent sounds bipolar. The kid is disrespectful 1 time and there was no discussion, not once... just a manic rage event in the house of tearing down posters and stripping beds of bedsheets. Good luck with that.

Your job is to know your own kid.