My child tells me he hates me daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

Just what I wrote. I think in general a lot of people are permissive about their kids' bad behavior throughout childhood, writing it off as "normal for a kid." I think teaching them how to act is parenting -- if we just let them do what's "normal for a kid," then how do they learn to act the way we expect them to? We are a society that molds people to behave a certain way. It does not just happen naturally. Many parents in this area expect their kids to magically become well-adjusted and behaved as they age. It takes parenting for that to happen, IMO, and because we live with others, we have to learn how to deal with each other harmoniously if we want to be happy and well-adjusted. My two cents.

Agree with you completely. Parents here are always saying, "OH it's the age/normal kid behavior/ride it out." Do these people discipline for ANYTHING? Your kid saying "I hate you" is extremely disrespectful but that said, I think a lot of parents just expect that from their kids. They have absolutely zero behavior standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

Just what I wrote. I think in general a lot of people are permissive about their kids' bad behavior throughout childhood, writing it off as "normal for a kid." I think teaching them how to act is parenting -- if we just let them do what's "normal for a kid," then how do they learn to act the way we expect them to? We are a society that molds people to behave a certain way. It does not just happen naturally. Many parents in this area expect their kids to magically become well-adjusted and behaved as they age. It takes parenting for that to happen, IMO, and because we live with others, we have to learn how to deal with each other harmoniously if we want to be happy and well-adjusted. My two cents.

Agree with you completely. Parents here are always saying, "OH it's the age/normal kid behavior/ride it out." Do these people discipline for ANYTHING? Your kid saying "I hate you" is extremely disrespectful but that said, I think a lot of parents just expect that from their kids. They have absolutely zero behavior standards.

Most parents of teens that I know are doing the best that they can. It is very destabilizing to see the happy, easygoing kid you used to know turn into an angry, moody teenager. And it IS age appropriate. (Maybe not every single kid, but a lot of them. Look at the books on teenagers - there's a reason why there are so many books on this age.) Not to say it doesn't require parenting - I don't think anyone here has said that. But just as it's age appropriate for a toddler to throw tantrums, angry, assholeish teen behavior is part of their normal development. There are lots of different ways to deal with it, just as there are lots of different ways to deal with a tantruming toddler. Some respond to punishment, some deal better with reasoning and conversation, others need positive rewards. And sometimes parents are overwhelmed or tired or are picking their battles because there are days when there are far bigger fish to fry. If you don't like the way someone is parenting their teen, go home and parent your own, because that's the only one you are responsible for. Just as it's easy to pass judgement on the mom whose kid is on the floor screaming in the grocery store, parents of teenagers are an easy target to say they aren't parenting or they don't care about bad behavior. It is a very hard stage and most people are doing the best they can and trying to figure out what works best for that particular kid. When you see a snippet of someone's life, either in person or in a post on DCUM, that's all it is. A snippet in a much broader context and one that deserves more credit that sweeping generalizations about the way "people around here parent."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

Just what I wrote. I think in general a lot of people are permissive about their kids' bad behavior throughout childhood, writing it off as "normal for a kid." I think teaching them how to act is parenting -- if we just let them do what's "normal for a kid," then how do they learn to act the way we expect them to? We are a society that molds people to behave a certain way. It does not just happen naturally. Many parents in this area expect their kids to magically become well-adjusted and behaved as they age. It takes parenting for that to happen, IMO, and because we live with others, we have to learn how to deal with each other harmoniously if we want to be happy and well-adjusted. My two cents.

Agree with you completely. Parents here are always saying, "OH it's the age/normal kid behavior/ride it out." Do these people discipline for ANYTHING? Your kid saying "I hate you" is extremely disrespectful but that said, I think a lot of parents just expect that from their kids. They have absolutely zero behavior standards.

Most parents of teens that I know are doing the best that they can. It is very destabilizing to see the happy, easygoing kid you used to know turn into an angry, moody teenager. And it IS age appropriate. (Maybe not every single kid, but a lot of them. Look at the books on teenagers - there's a reason why there are so many books on this age.) Not to say it doesn't require parenting - I don't think anyone here has said that. But just as it's age appropriate for a toddler to throw tantrums, angry, assholeish teen behavior is part of their normal development. There are lots of different ways to deal with it, just as there are lots of different ways to deal with a tantruming toddler. Some respond to punishment, some deal better with reasoning and conversation, others need positive rewards. And sometimes parents are overwhelmed or tired or are picking their battles because there are days when there are far bigger fish to fry. If you don't like the way someone is parenting their teen, go home and parent your own, because that's the only one you are responsible for. Just as it's easy to pass judgement on the mom whose kid is on the floor screaming in the grocery store, parents of teenagers are an easy target to say they aren't parenting or they don't care about bad behavior. It is a very hard stage and most people are doing the best they can and trying to figure out what works best for that particular kid. When you see a snippet of someone's life, either in person or in a post on DCUM, that's all it is. A snippet in a much broader context and one that deserves more credit that sweeping generalizations about the way "people around here parent."

This is DCUM, the designated place to discuss other people's parenting. If you don't like that, don't come on the site.

I think teens are screaming for parental involvement. They are not adults yet, and they need to be told to cut it out when they are in the wrong -- just like young kids do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not allowed to say "I hate you" to my mother growing up. I wanted to say it a LOT, though. We are super close today and always were - the teen years suck. I don't think a teen thinking that he hates is parents is unusual.

My mother absolutely put her foot down about me saying "I hate you" when I was a teen and in retrospect, I think that was a very good decision. It's about respect for your parents. My mom would tell me - I know you think that you hate me but you don't actually and one day, you will regret saying that. I think you can validate the kid's emotions while simultaneously requiring that he respect you enough not to say that.

I felt it was best not to tell my DS what he can and cannot say, nor to assert that he will regret it. I learned this in six years of marriage counseling in which the therapist would not permit me to talk about 'divorce'. But If I couldn't say it, how could we ever deal with it? (we didn't ever deal with it and we are now divorced.)

If my DS curses at me, I point out that "once you curse, the conversation is over" and leave the room. That is about respect. But saying "I hate you" is quite different, and the conversation should not end just because someone voices a feeling they have that you don't want to hear. Instead, it could be a starting point for a richer conversation: if DS wants to get more specific about why he hates me, I will listen carefully. Or, I might contribute a story about when I felt that way about someone, or what effect it had on someone I knew, just anecdotal not lecturing. I have told my DS that since I'm his mother, there is nothing he can say to make me stop loving him, if that is the result he's looking for, but maybe there is some other way he'd like me to respond?

This morning I asked my son if there was something he wished I did better as a mother. Surprise, he gave me some difficult feedback I needed to hear. I'm wondering if he felt comfortable doing because he knew I wouldn't get mad at him for voicing strong feelings.

Wow. Your child is not your peer. I would not say "now let's sit down and talk about your feelings of hatred for me, son. I'd like to learn more."

Damn straight I will tell my children what they can and cannot say to me or in my house. This is no therapy session. Big difference and a mistake, IMO, to apply one set of principles to an entirely different situation. Spouse to spouse is not the same as child to parent.

Btw, I have never been told "I hate you" or anything remotely like it and I have three children, 16, 14 and 12. That this is commonplace blows my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not allowed to say "I hate you" to my mother growing up. I wanted to say it a LOT, though. We are super close today and always were - the teen years suck. I don't think a teen thinking that he hates is parents is unusual.

My mother absolutely put her foot down about me saying "I hate you" when I was a teen and in retrospect, I think that was a very good decision. It's about respect for your parents. My mom would tell me - I know you think that you hate me but you don't actually and one day, you will regret saying that. I think you can validate the kid's emotions while simultaneously requiring that he respect you enough not to say that.

I felt it was best not to tell my DS what he can and cannot say, nor to assert that he will regret it. I learned this in six years of marriage counseling in which the therapist would not permit me to talk about 'divorce'. But If I couldn't say it, how could we ever deal with it? (we didn't ever deal with it and we are now divorced.)

If my DS curses at me, I point out that "once you curse, the conversation is over" and leave the room. That is about respect. But saying "I hate you" is quite different, and the conversation should not end just because someone voices a feeling they have that you don't want to hear. Instead, it could be a starting point for a richer conversation: if DS wants to get more specific about why he hates me, I will listen carefully. Or, I might contribute a story about when I felt that way about someone, or what effect it had on someone I knew, just anecdotal not lecturing. I have told my DS that since I'm his mother, there is nothing he can say to make me stop loving him, if that is the result he's looking for, but maybe there is some other way he'd like me to respond?

This morning I asked my son if there was something he wished I did better as a mother. Surprise, he gave me some difficult feedback I needed to hear. I'm wondering if he felt comfortable doing because he knew I wouldn't get mad at him for voicing strong feelings.

Wow. Your child is not your peer. I would not say "now let's sit down and talk about your feelings of hatred for me, son. I'd like to learn more."

Damn straight I will tell my children what they can and cannot say to me or in my house. This is no therapy session. Big difference and a mistake, IMO, to apply one set of principles to an entirely different situation. Spouse to spouse is not the same as child to parent.

Btw, I have never been told "I hate you" or anything remotely like it and I have three children, 16, 14 and 12. That this is commonplace blows my mind.

You make an interesting point, and I have to wonder if this is the root cause of many of the relationship troubles we see. To many people attempt to parent their spouses and treat their children like an equal. Before anyone jumps to conclusions I'm not advocating abuse or corporal punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

Just what I wrote. I think in general a lot of people are permissive about their kids' bad behavior throughout childhood, writing it off as "normal for a kid." I think teaching them how to act is parenting -- if we just let them do what's "normal for a kid," then how do they learn to act the way we expect them to? We are a society that molds people to behave a certain way. It does not just happen naturally. Many parents in this area expect their kids to magically become well-adjusted and behaved as they age. It takes parenting for that to happen, IMO, and because we live with others, we have to learn how to deal with each other harmoniously if we want to be happy and well-adjusted. My two cents.

Agree with you completely. Parents here are always saying, "OH it's the age/normal kid behavior/ride it out." Do these people discipline for ANYTHING? Your kid saying "I hate you" is extremely disrespectful but that said, I think a lot of parents just expect that from their kids. They have absolutely zero behavior standards.

Most parents of teens that I know are doing the best that they can. It is very destabilizing to see the happy, easygoing kid you used to know turn into an angry, moody teenager. And it IS age appropriate. (Maybe not every single kid, but a lot of them. Look at the books on teenagers - there's a reason why there are so many books on this age.) Not to say it doesn't require parenting - I don't think anyone here has said that. But just as it's age appropriate for a toddler to throw tantrums, angry, assholeish teen behavior is part of their normal development. There are lots of different ways to deal with it, just as there are lots of different ways to deal with a tantruming toddler. Some respond to punishment, some deal better with reasoning and conversation, others need positive rewards. And sometimes parents are overwhelmed or tired or are picking their battles because there are days when there are far bigger fish to fry. If you don't like the way someone is parenting their teen, go home and parent your own, because that's the only one you are responsible for. Just as it's easy to pass judgement on the mom whose kid is on the floor screaming in the grocery store, parents of teenagers are an easy target to say they aren't parenting or they don't care about bad behavior. It is a very hard stage and most people are doing the best they can and trying to figure out what works best for that particular kid. When you see a snippet of someone's life, either in person or in a post on DCUM, that's all it is. A snippet in a much broader context and one that deserves more credit that sweeping generalizations about the way "people around here parent."

This is DCUM, the designated place to discuss other people's parenting. If you don't like that, don't come on the site.

I think teens are screaming for parental involvement. They are not adults yet, and they need to be told to cut it out when they are in the wrong -- just like young kids do.

Another good point. Yes, it's completely developmentally normal for teens to push back, but sometimes I think a cry for support and guidance is mistaken for rebellion and brushed off. You can also set firm limits and be understanding.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he does. Or maybe he's just angry and having a hard time dealing with it. I would focus more on finding out why, and fixing that, than punishing the symptom of potentially a larger problem.