My child tells me he hates me daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

This is amazing! I will have to tuck it away for later (my kids are 3 and 6.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

Forced respect does not seem like real respect to me. Yes, acting kindly to others is a must, but I don't think it's possible to "force respect" pretty much ever. They might do what you say, and follow your rules, but that's not the same thing as respect.

[Anonymous]

I'd beat the shit out of my kids if they talk to DW that way.


Why do you think violence is the answer to bring 'respect ' to either yourself and your wife? I agree family members should be respectful but, beating someone will not cause them to suddenly respect and love you. So, they wouldn't say anything again but I would suspect their love and respect would go way down especially when they learn the reason you beat them. Violence is never the answer. Talk to your teens and find out why they are upset. Unless you don't want a relationship with them when they are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some times multiple times. 13 . We are good parents and kind, loving people. It's horrible.

It depends on why he is doing it OP--do you have other behavior problems, when did this start, and what is his general emotional state?

A lot of the "punishers" may have kids who don't have functioning issues. The kid tried out something new with mom, dad took him down some pegs, and everyone cheers. I'm cheering too, if the kid learned his lesson and is generally adaptive. I think letting a flexible, well functioning kid get away with that is bad parenting.

Unfortunately, for many kids who say "I hate you" on a regular basis, it's the tip of the iceberg. If the "I hate you" response to frustration isn't the biggest problem you're dealing with, then you need to start with the biggest problem... because that's what is causing the issue. Getting bent out of shape over "I hate you" when a kid may be depressed, anxious, have other major problems with self control (ADHD/ oppositional defiance) is going to escalate your issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not taught how to deal with anger and frustration. It is time to teach him.

As you can see from responses most are not taught communication and dealing with anger..., some yell, some hit, some retreat when dealing with anger... None are right.

The book "love languages for Teens" discuss anger and how to teach your kids to deal with anger.

You are probably doing something that drives them crazy but they don't know how to communicate that, the way they have chosen to communicate it is inappropriate.

I suggest getting the book.

But - the fact that you are breathing and alive is what is driving them crazy and angering them.
They need to keep that to themselves, even if they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some times multiple times. 13 . We are good parents and kind, loving people. It's horrible.

It depends on why he is doing it OP--do you have other behavior problems, when did this start, and what is his general emotional state?

A lot of the "punishers" may have kids who don't have functioning issues. The kid tried out something new with mom, dad took him down some pegs, and everyone cheers. I'm cheering too, if the kid learned his lesson and is generally adaptive. I think letting a flexible, well functioning kid get away with that is bad parenting.

Unfortunately, for many kids who say "I hate you" on a regular basis, it's the tip of the iceberg. If the "I hate you" response to frustration isn't the biggest problem you're dealing with, then you need to start with the biggest problem... because that's what is causing the issue. Getting bent out of shape over "I hate you" when a kid may be depressed, anxious, have other major problems with self control (ADHD/ oppositional defiance) is going to escalate your issue.

This is the best response of the bunch OP. My kid has anxiety and OCD and of course I don't want to be called names or told that I'm hated, but it's awfully high and mighty of parents to say they are doing some exceptional parenting job because their kids don't. Calling the kid out for being disrespectful is fine and good, but there is often more going on with the kid and just because he/she continues to be disrespectful doesn't make you a less competent parent. Some parents think they are hot stuff, but the reality may be that they just got lucky with kids who can take the unilateral discipline. Not all can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some times multiple times. 13 . We are good parents and kind, loving people. It's horrible.

It depends on why he is doing it OP--do you have other behavior problems, when did this start, and what is his general emotional state?

A lot of the "punishers" may have kids who don't have functioning issues. The kid tried out something new with mom, dad took him down some pegs, and everyone cheers. I'm cheering too, if the kid learned his lesson and is generally adaptive. I think letting a flexible, well functioning kid get away with that is bad parenting.

Unfortunately, for many kids who say "I hate you" on a regular basis, it's the tip of the iceberg. If the "I hate you" response to frustration isn't the biggest problem you're dealing with, then you need to start with the biggest problem... because that's what is causing the issue. Getting bent out of shape over "I hate you" when a kid may be depressed, anxious, have other major problems with self control (ADHD/ oppositional defiance) is going to escalate your issue.

This is the best response of the bunch OP. My kid has anxiety and OCD and of course I don't want to be called names or told that I'm hated, but it's awfully high and mighty of parents to say they are doing some exceptional parenting job because their kids don't. Calling the kid out for being disrespectful is fine and good, but there is often more going on with the kid and just because he/she continues to be disrespectful doesn't make you a less competent parent. Some parents think they are hot stuff, but the reality may be that they just got lucky with kids who can take the unilateral discipline. Not all can.

I'm the single parent PP who said I don't put up with disrespect. I guess I assumed we were talking about "regular" kids, not kids with huge issues. OP and others act like all teens are going to be crazy like that, so I assumed that was what we were discussing. I'm not hot stuff -- but I do see parents letting their kids get away with murder around here and not correcting them because "it's normal for their age."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some times multiple times. 13 . We are good parents and kind, loving people. It's horrible.

It depends on why he is doing it OP--do you have other behavior problems, when did this start, and what is his general emotional state?

A lot of the "punishers" may have kids who don't have functioning issues. The kid tried out something new with mom, dad took him down some pegs, and everyone cheers. I'm cheering too, if the kid learned his lesson and is generally adaptive. I think letting a flexible, well functioning kid get away with that is bad parenting.

Unfortunately, for many kids who say "I hate you" on a regular basis, it's the tip of the iceberg. If the "I hate you" response to frustration isn't the biggest problem you're dealing with, then you need to start with the biggest problem... because that's what is causing the issue. Getting bent out of shape over "I hate you" when a kid may be depressed, anxious, have other major problems with self control (ADHD/ oppositional defiance) is going to escalate your issue.

This is the best response of the bunch OP. My kid has anxiety and OCD and of course I don't want to be called names or told that I'm hated, but it's awfully high and mighty of parents to say they are doing some exceptional parenting job because their kids don't. Calling the kid out for being disrespectful is fine and good, but there is often more going on with the kid and just because he/she continues to be disrespectful doesn't make you a less competent parent. Some parents think they are hot stuff, but the reality may be that they just got lucky with kids who can take the unilateral discipline. Not all can.

Yes, but because OP posted in "Teens and Tweens" forum, not "Special Needs," it is fair to make an assumption that the child is "flexible, well functioning" kid, not a clinically depressed, traumatized, special needs, anxious, or OCD kid. OP did not mention any of these variables that would have painted a different scenario. Too often I see posts that address normal parenting issues that apply to normal parents with normal kids in a very out of the ordinary way, because a child of that commenting poster has some SN, LD, psychological trauma, is delayed, etc. Well, the original post does not apply to those children. So, again, unless there are other variables that would take this teen out of the spectrum of "normal," there is no other conclusion than that the child is just disrespectful to her mother and gets away with it. This would not fly in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some times multiple times. 13 . We are good parents and kind, loving people. It's horrible.

It depends on why he is doing it OP--do you have other behavior problems, when did this start, and what is his general emotional state?

A lot of the "punishers" may have kids who don't have functioning issues. The kid tried out something new with mom, dad took him down some pegs, and everyone cheers. I'm cheering too, if the kid learned his lesson and is generally adaptive. I think letting a flexible, well functioning kid get away with that is bad parenting.

Unfortunately, for many kids who say "I hate you" on a regular basis, it's the tip of the iceberg. If the "I hate you" response to frustration isn't the biggest problem you're dealing with, then you need to start with the biggest problem... because that's what is causing the issue. Getting bent out of shape over "I hate you" when a kid may be depressed, anxious, have other major problems with self control (ADHD/ oppositional defiance) is going to escalate your issue.

This is the best response of the bunch OP. My kid has anxiety and OCD and of course I don't want to be called names or told that I'm hated, but it's awfully high and mighty of parents to say they are doing some exceptional parenting job because their kids don't. Calling the kid out for being disrespectful is fine and good, but there is often more going on with the kid and just because he/she continues to be disrespectful doesn't make you a less competent parent. Some parents think they are hot stuff, but the reality may be that they just got lucky with kids who can take the unilateral discipline. Not all can.

I'm the single parent PP who said I don't put up with disrespect. I guess I assumed we were talking about "regular" kids, not kids with huge issues. OP and others act like all teens are going to be crazy like that, so I assumed that was what we were discussing. I'm not hot stuff -- but I do see parents letting their kids get away with murder around here and not correcting them because "it's normal for their age."

I'm the pp who asked if something else might be going on...my intention was to rule that out before jumping into punishment. If it's teen disrespect because there aren't consistent behavioral expectations, then I agree that discipline is the first response.

"Huge issues" can include school bullying or some trauma- so if the behavior is relatively new then I would eliminate that possibility as well. Often I read these boards, parents complain about the behavior, then somewhere in the middle of the postings they mention diagnoses like ADHD or anxiety. It completely changes the dynamic-- removing all of the items from a child's room when they are functioning well is applaudable under certain circumstances-- when they have OCD it is not recommended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I nominate you for DCUM's "Parent of the Year"
award, not to mention "Husband of the Year"
for respecting your wife like that.

OMG, you are exactly what SO many kids need. Maybe they wouldn't be so depressed if they knew they had a parent who *really* loved them and wasn't afraid of doing the right thing when it was the hardest thing to do.

My hats off to you, Sir.

OMG yes. OP, do you see how the PP did not freak out at his kid. Just did a Denzel Washingtoneque, my man reaction and then did what he had to do.

This is what you need to do. If he hates you then he must hate all the support you provide and comfy life you provide for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

+1

Say "I love you. I love you even when you are mad at me." and then walk away. If he insists on continuing to talk in ugly and unpleasant ways, send him to his room. You don't have to give him attention when he is acting like an asshole. Make sure that you catch him being good and reinforce his good behavior and pleasant moments with praise -- "Thanks for taking out the trash without complaining! That was really mature and grown up of you! I know you don't like doing it, but you did it without complaining, like a grown up."

There are lots of moments when I have to say silently to myself "I forgive you for being 13."

[Anonymous]

Personally, I don't think a kid would say "I hate you" to his parents 13 times in a day unless there was some seriously dysfunctional dynamics going on at home or he was having bigger issues. Teenagers very often can't articulate what is going on with their emotions and default to anger and irritability when actually they are anxious, depressed, scared, etc.

I would call a truce and sit down with him in a calm moment and see if you can uncover why he is acting like this, perhaps with althe help of a mediator who is used to talking with teens - school counselor, pastor, therapist.

As you work through whatever is going on, establish some ground rule for conflict together to keep it respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would beat the shit out of his child if he ever disrespected his mother

My Dad would have done the same and he rarely spanked us as kids. Even before I was teen I knew that behavior was absolutely not tolerated. Like another poster said, this is partially your fault (I'm not trying to be mean) for allowing this behavior. If you're not into corporal punishment then you need to nip it in the bud right now. Immediate punishment and consequences that escalate if necessary. If your DC feels the need to express himself tell him to go write an angsty teen poem.

[Anonymous]

My children never said that to me but if they had I would have said "sometimes when you're very angry at someone it feels like hatred." Because that's what your child is really trying to tell you.