My child tells me he hates me daily

[Anonymous]

For the record, today I want to say that to my kid.

I didn't, but I feel it and I want to say it.

[Anonymous]

It's a teen thing to say "I hate you" to the parents so find some solace in that. You are not alone.

"Keep your verbal response direct and brief. When your child hurls an insult at you, it’s helpful to say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you’re still responsible for taking out the garbage,” or “Talking to me that way isn’t going to get you out of doing your homework. Go do it.” One of my personal favorites is, “Maybe you do hate living here, but you still have to be home on time.” What you’re doing when you respond like this is effectively and gently challenging your child’s poor behavior and helping him see that it isn’t going to solve his problem, and then you’re redirecting him to the task at hand. The goal here is to be assertive, not aggressive."

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-hate-you-mom-i-wish-you-were-dead-when-kids-say-hurtful-things/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not allowed to say "I hate you" to my mother growing up. I wanted to say it a LOT, though. We are super close today and always were - the teen years suck. I don't think a teen thinking that he hates is parents is unusual.

My mother absolutely put her foot down about me saying "I hate you" when I was a teen and in retrospect, I think that was a very good decision. It's about respect for your parents. My mom would tell me - I know you think that you hate me but you don't actually and one day, you will regret saying that. I think you can validate the kid's emotions while simultaneously requiring that he respect you enough not to say that.

I felt it was best not to tell my DS what he can and cannot say, nor to assert that he will regret it. I learned this in six years of marriage counseling in which the therapist would not permit me to talk about 'divorce'. But If I couldn't say it, how could we ever deal with it? (we didn't ever deal with it and we are now divorced.)

If my DS curses at me, I point out that "once you curse, the conversation is over" and leave the room. That is about respect. But saying "I hate you" is quite different, and the conversation should not end just because someone voices a feeling they have that you don't want to hear. Instead, it could be a starting point for a richer conversation: if DS wants to get more specific about why he hates me, I will listen carefully. Or, I might contribute a story about when I felt that way about someone, or what effect it had on someone I knew, just anecdotal not lecturing. I have told my DS that since I'm his mother, there is nothing he can say to make me stop loving him, if that is the result he's looking for, but maybe there is some other way he'd like me to respond?

This morning I asked my son if there was something he wished I did better as a mother. Surprise, he gave me some difficult feedback I needed to hear. I'm wondering if he felt comfortable doing because he knew I wouldn't get mad at him for voicing strong feelings.

Voicing strong feelings is not the same as saying "I hate you." We want to teach our kids to voice their feelings in ways that don't eviscerate others, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

Forced respect does not seem like real respect to me. Yes, acting kindly to others is a must, but I don't think it's possible to "force respect" pretty much ever. They might do what you say, and follow your rules, but that's not the same thing as respect.

I don't care if they respect me or not (although why would they not?). If they don't respect me, fine -- but they have to act respectful towards me. I also believe in "forcing" kids to say please and thank you; I don't care what they feel in their heart of hearts.

Agree 100%.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would beat the shit out of his child if he ever disrespected his mother

I'd beat the shit out of my kids if they talk to DW that way.

If that's how you handle problems, why did you have children? Did your parents treat you like that? Or are you a troll?

[Anonymous]

I say, "I hate you too, darling" in a loving voice. That usually stops them. They do it to test you, so if you don't fall for it, they get bored trying. My kids have not said this to me in a long time, and I'm sure that's the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

[Anonymous]

Our job as parents is to raise civilized beings who can function in society. No one at work is going to reason with your child if they tell them the hate them or F-U.

A boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse isn't going to tolerate that behavior.

I hope your advice to your child if they told you their S/O or boss told them they hated them or to F-U would not be to "reason" with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

So what's your relationship like with your parents now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

Yep. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much you put your teen on lockdown they can still sneak off at school to get high or have sex. Extreme punishment is really not the way to parent teens. My own parents had a pattern of ignore ignore ignore then FREAK OUT when they noticed what was going on. Very poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

You need to know, understand and love your own kid.

Hardest thing there is, especially when you're too busy to spend the time it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say, "I hate you too, darling" in a loving voice. That usually stops them. They do it to test you, so if you don't fall for it, they get bored trying. My kids have not said this to me in a long time, and I'm sure that's the reason.

Very mature. Way to role model

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

So what's your relationship like with your parents now?

Great, and I feel horrible for how I acted. However, I'm glad I'm the person I am and have a strong sense of self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

So what's your relationship like with your parents now?

I'm more interested in knowing what the relationship with coworkers and spouse are like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I did the same thing when my oldest got in trouble right around age 12 or 13. Worked like a charm and never had to do it for any of my younger kids.

My neighbor did the same thing. Kid didn't give a shit. He went to school in the same clothes every day. Told the counselor why when he was questioned. Continued for 2 months, kid didn't care one bit. Didn't eat, except at school and friends. Did no homework, no internet service. Got F's for the quarter. Kid did not care.

The family ended up in counseling. The parents needed to stop being such freaks. The parents were not happy to find out the bring control freaks often frustrates a child.

You approach is ridiculous.

You have to read your kid. This approach might work on some kids, but certainly not kids with high confidence and extreme stubbornness.

My parents were like this. I gave zero fucks. I mean zero. I frequently would walk right out the door and flip them the bird. I was smart enough to know that ultimately they couldn't do a thing. I promptly left home the weekend after HS graduation and never looked back. I was uncontrollable. Made for a very tumultuous teen years, but has served me well as an adult.

I have one child just like me and there is no way I will take a hard core stance with him. Only reason works on him. The harder you push on him, the harder he pushes back. Guiding and teaching our kids is so much harder than wielding the iron fist.

So what's your relationship like with your parents now?

Great, and I feel horrible for how I acted. However, I'm glad I'm the person I am and have a strong sense of self.

Common euphemism for someone with narcissistic and emotionally manipulative if not abusive behaviors. An asshole in lay terms.