My child tells me he hates me daily

[Anonymous]

They are so terrible during the teen years...
Sometimes I think the better the time spent before, the more quality time spent in the young years, the worse the teen separation years are.
It's either because they are closer to you so they feel more comfortable sending this kind of crap your way or they just feel the need to separate more strongly or both.

Sometimes I say "I hate you too( she knows I don't) but I try to say positive things anyway, honey".

They hurl all this crap your way but when I point out to my 17 year old that she has only one more year until she's an adult and off to college on her own she gets a bit freaked out (what?!).

Just remember that teens are totally nuts.

[Anonymous]

Not all teens go through this. Some manage to grow up and leave the nest without all the craziness. The stereotype is just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. Maybe the book "Yes, your teen is crazy" would help you prepare some responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

And then what do you do if you have a kid who says it anyway?

Just what I wrote. I think in general a lot of people are permissive about their kids' bad behavior throughout childhood, writing it off as "normal for a kid." I think teaching them how to act is parenting -- if we just let them do what's "normal for a kid," then how do they learn to act the way we expect them to? We are a society that molds people to behave a certain way. It does not just happen naturally. Many parents in this area expect their kids to magically become well-adjusted and behaved as they age. It takes parenting for that to happen, IMO, and because we live with others, we have to learn how to deal with each other harmoniously if we want to be happy and well-adjusted. My two cents.

[Anonymous]

Kids are not taught how to deal with anger and frustration. It is time to teach him.

As you can see from responses most are not taught communication and dealing with anger..., some yell, some hit, some retreat when dealing with anger... None are right.

The book "love languages for Teens" discuss anger and how to teach your kids to deal with anger.

You are probably doing something that drives them crazy but they don't know how to communicate that, the way they have chosen to communicate it is inappropriate.

I suggest getting the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay kind and loving. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you". Ride it out. Make sure you're spending quality time doing something with your kid that the kid enjoys. 13 year old hormones are insane.

I'm a single parent so I get no backup. I tell my kids they have to treat me with respect -- if they don't feel it, they have to fake it. Not at 13 yet but on the verge. Teaching them to be respectful is part of my job as a parent. I would never tolerate that. I may say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you. And you have a right to your feelings, but you are never, ever to say that to me again. would you like it if I told you every time I had a negative feeling about you? We wouldn't be able to function in a family like that, and society can't function with people behaving like that. Nice people don't say things like that." Etc.

If you are putting up with it, then I"m sorry but you are partially responsible. To me this would be very serious.

+1. This is 9:28 and you and I are on the same wavelength.

I'm a single parent too. I have bigger battles to fight. I'm also "lucky" that this only happened when my son was 4-6 (so far) and infrequently at that. My only response was "I love you" while I continued what I was doing. He stopped because it never got him anywhere. And at 4-6 tons of talking didn't work with my son, modeling appropriate behavior did though.

Well in general I have always forced my kids to be respectful. I have never had them say they hated me. Not once. Maybe they don't feel it (my best guess!) but I suspsect it's because I don't allow them to be abusive and disrespectful toward others. I guess we're different, but if my kid shouted he hated me, that would be one of the "bigger battles" in my book.

If that's one of your "bigger battles" congratulations, it was the least of my worries at the time. Really, the comment was a manifestation of bigger issues that we were having at the time, and I was trying my best to address the root causes of the problems and not punish every single transgression because that ended up being seriously counterproductive. (and I was working with professionals to handle more serious concerns - they supported my response to this minor issue and I haven't been told "I hate you" in years so clearly it worked)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would beat the shit out of his child if he ever disrespected his mother

I'd beat the shit out of my kids if they talk to DW that way.

[Anonymous]

My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I like you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son tried something like this a number of years ago when he was 13 (8th grade September), it went VERY badly for him.

He called my wife a "dumb bitch" and when I confronted him he said that there was"not a fucking things I could do about it". I told him that he has 1 chance to apologize and after that there would be "not a fucking thing that he could do about it". He said that he stood by his statement.

I left the room and the next day he trotted off to school with a big shit eating grin like he got away with something.

The following happened that day:

1) His cell phone service was cancelled

2) Wifi password was changed on wifi

3) His entire room was packed into a uhaul and stored at my warehouse (I'm a small time GC).

4) All clothes except 5 plain T shirts, 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes remained.

5) Only items left in house room was plain bed (wood one was taken) and sheets and blanket and a desk and chair.

6) NOTHING (posters etc) was left in his room.

Boy wonder was freaked when he returned. I told him that we could talk about it in 30 days.

Never did it again!

I nominate you for DCUM's "Parent of the Year"
award, not to mention "Husband of the Year"
for respecting your wife like that.

OMG, you are exactly what SO many kids need. Maybe they wouldn't be so depressed if they knew they had a parent who *really* loved them and wasn't afraid of doing the right thing when it was the hardest thing to do.

My hats off to you, Sir.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would beat the shit out of his child if he ever disrespected his mother

I'd beat the shit out of my kids if they talk to DW that way.

My DH once called his mom a bitch and his dad swung around and tried kicking him , DH ducked for cover and tbe hole in his bedroom wall remains to this day 23 years later. My DH never once called his mom a bitch again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would beat the shit out of his child if he ever disrespected his mother

I'd beat the shit out of my kids if they talk to DW that way.

My DH once called his mom a bitch and his dad swung around and tried kicking him , DH ducked for cover and tbe hole in his bedroom wall remains to this day 23 years later. My DH never once called his mom a bitch again.

My kids are older - late teen/early 20's. They know mom (DW) is off the limit.