Reply to My child tells me he hates me daily

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was not allowed to say "I hate you" to my mother growing up.  I wanted to say it a LOT, though.  We are super close today and always were - the teen years suck.  I don't think a teen thinking that he hates is parents is unusual.

My mother absolutely put her foot down about me saying "I hate you" when I was a teen and in retrospect, I think that was a very good decision.  It's about respect for your parents.  My mom would tell me - I know you think that you hate me but you don't actually and one day, you will regret saying that.  I think you can validate the kid's emotions while simultaneously requiring that he respect you enough not to say that.[/quote]

I felt it was best not to tell my DS what he can and cannot say, nor to assert that he will regret it.  I learned this in six years of marriage counseling in which the therapist would not permit me to  talk about 'divorce'.  But If I couldn't say it, how could we ever deal with it?  (we didn't ever deal with it and we are now divorced.)

If my DS curses at me, I point out that "once you curse, the conversation is over" and leave the room.  That is about respect.  But saying "I hate you" is quite different, and the conversation should not end just because someone voices a feeling they have that you don't want to hear.  Instead, it could be a starting point for a richer conversation:  if DS wants to get more specific about why he hates me, I will listen carefully.  Or, I might contribute a story about when I felt that way about someone, or what effect it had on someone I knew, just anecdotal not lecturing.  I have told my DS that since I'm his mother, there is nothing he can say to make me stop loving him, if that is the result he's looking for, but maybe there is some other way he'd like me to respond?

This morning I asked my son  if there was something he wished I did better as a mother.  Surprise, he gave me some difficult feedback I needed to hear.  I'm wondering if he felt comfortable doing because he knew I wouldn't get mad at him for voicing strong feelings.[/quote]

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