How to gently tell ILs we will not be going there for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Many "American" Christmas traditions came from Germany.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many "American" Christmas traditions came from Germany.

Ok! I guess my family does understand what PP's German traditions were then after all! Thanks for clarifying that. I'm Iranian American so I didn't know : )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make these visits while the kids are young. Yes, it is a pain to pack up babies and toddlers. You wind up bringing So.Much.Stuff. And then the stress of never having everything on hand that you need.

Maybe do a 3 or 4 day visit (or shorter) if you can manage. A week is a long time, probably a bit too long. But it is really important for both sides of your family to get to know the kids while they are little. And as hard as it may seem schedule wise to fit these visits in it gets even harder once the kids start school and have other activities going on.

You will have time to focus in on your own traditions when the kids are a little older.

OP here - a lot of posters are making this into one of those "OMG crazy ungrateful daughter in law" threads, but I have a good relationship with my in laws and we actually see them a lot. So there is absolutely no issue about them not getting to know the grandkids, and I'm sure they'll be coming to visit a lot after the new baby is born, too. This is specifically about going to see them for Christmas and what a pain it will be to travel with a small baby and a toddler over the holidays. We'll definitely go visit with the new baby at some point, but I'd prefer to be able to do that over a low key 3 day weekend or something and not deal with all the stress that comes with traveling over the holidays (plus having to take time off that I don't have, etc…).

*We don't see the aunt that often since she won't travel here, but we see her almost every time we go to see them.

I'm not turning this into an ungrateful DIL thing at all. But when the kids are little it might be nice for them to get to know how that side of the family celebrates Christmas. It would be fun for the kids to enjoy Santa at the grandparent's house and it might be enjoyable for you to see what the family holiday traditions are just to get a sense of family history. You could choose to go on some random weekend during the year but it wouldn't be the same...no presents, no special meals, etc.

I would take the kids while they are little. Otherwise, you would just be staying at home and not celebrating the holidays. You'll probably have at least a day or two off anyway for the holidays. You would probably have to use more leave if you went at another, random non-holiday time. Just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven't read this whole thread but I just want to say that I was completely in your shoes last year and I'll tell you what I did and how it went.

In our case the holiday involved was Thanksgiving which is the big holiday for DH's family. Unlike you I didn't change the plans when our kids were tiny (which I regret!) so we traveled for 9 TGs in a row, including at times when it was just insane.

In my case the discussion started when my ILs asked in April when we were there for another holiday. I just said I didn't know our plans yet. Then when we were alone I told DH I didn't want to go. I'm sorry to say but it was a HUGE deal. We had several discussions about it over the course of a few months, and my DH agreed to take a year off, but then when one of my ILs asked about it last summer my DH backpedaled. He told me he actually wanted to go and wished he'd never agreed not to.

In my case my DH is a great guy who struggles with change so the idea of not going even once was a really big thing. In the end we didn't go; I allowed him to make our plans (I wasn't asking to visit my family but to not travel at all).

I would not have the conversation with my ILs. I know they felt very disappointed (even though we are the only ones in our generation who kept going every year). I don't know exactly what my DH said but it was direct and gentle--"DW and I have decided to stay home for TG this year."

Good luck to you, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many "American" Christmas traditions came from Germany.

Ok! I guess my family does understand what PP's German traditions were then after all! Thanks for clarifying that. I'm Iranian American so I didn't know : )

Guess you do know it all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many "American" Christmas traditions came from Germany.

Ok! I guess my family does understand what PP's German traditions were then after all! Thanks for clarifying that. I'm Iranian American so I didn't know : )

Guess you do know it all!

huh?

[Anonymous]

You call them, or when you see them, you open your mouth and say the words: "We are planning to spend the next holiday on our own." In a gentle tone of voice. That's how you gently tell someone something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well your first step is to discuss this with your DH and not unilaterally decide what will be 9 months from now.
Then he can broach the subject with his family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

What 'Christian' things do American Christians do at Christmas besides perhaps saying a few lines of grace before eating? The rest of the time you are having a meal with the family, sitting around talking or watching tv, opening Christmas gifts etc....which are all the things my family did when we celebrated Christmas and we are non practicing Muslims! My parents had us celebrate Christmas do we wouldn't feel left out at school! Lol

Our family is originally from Germany and there are many customs surrounding the holiday that make it special. You would not understand.

Yeah I'm not talking about German Christmas traditions. I bet most Christian Americans can't understand your customs either since they are not of Gerkan origin!!

I'm asking about what the run of the mill average American family does for Christmas that is so Christian?

We always went midnight services on Christmas Eve at our church when I was a kid. I no longer practice religion, but I do miss that service. It was meaningful for my family at the time.

So go to one, nothing is stopping you.

[Anonymous]

We did this, after we had our own kids and travel got to be a hassle, and we wanted our kids to have the memories of waking up on Christmas morning in their own house. We didn't beat around the bush--just pointed out that it was harder to travel with a growing family, we'd love to see everyone, and all were welcome at our place.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, OP, are you willing to/planning to make an effort to make Christmas special?

[Anonymous]

I would nicely explain to Dh that with an infant, you just aren't up to it this year.

if he balks, invite him to take the two kids to his parents for a week. Go to the beach - alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't blame you. My ILs expected us to spend every other holiday with them since we spend Christmas with my family. Finally, I had to say that we wanted to create some of our own traditions in our own home. I let them know that they are always welcome to visit, but with both our work schedules & two small children, it was just too difficult to travel. BTW, we haven't seen them in two years now since we stopped making the effort to travel to them. They're retired and have plenty of money. There's no reason they can't visit us.

You spend every Christmas with your family? No way would I be doing that and shutting out the ILs. God, I hope my son doesn't stand for something like that when he's married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't blame you. My ILs expected us to spend every other holiday with them since we spend Christmas with my family. Finally, I had to say that we wanted to create some of our own traditions in our own home. I let them know that they are always welcome to visit, but with both our work schedules & two small children, it was just too difficult to travel. BTW, we haven't seen them in two years now since we stopped making the effort to travel to them. They're retired and have plenty of money. There's no reason they can't visit us.

You spend every Christmas with your family? No way would I be doing that and shutting out the ILs. God, I hope my son doesn't stand for something like that when he's married.

NP. If PP's IL's don't celebrate Christmas, why WOULDN'T they spend Christmas with the family that celebrates the holiday? (As long as they get "equal" or "equal-ish" time together, overall?)

[Anonymous]

Just be honest. Have your DH tell them you are spending holiday at home and would they like to come to YOU?

Why the drama?