How to gently tell ILs we will not be going there for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

TBH I am 100% the opposite of this in our family (its very important to have the multigenerational stuff over the in our own home traditions) BUT I also think this is valid if its truly how you feel and mostly how your DH feels too. Broach it this way

We do plenty of multigenerational stuff year round. We spend Easter with my family, Thanksgiving with his, and 2 weeks of summer at a central location with extended cousins. The kids also spend a week with my parents alone and my inlaws take them for a week on a trip. I just hated the hassle and expense of schlepping Christmas gifts for Santa to bring only to have to pay to bring them all home again. We have a whole bunch of traditions we've started around tree decorating, dessert making, card display, 25 Christmas books, etc) that I would not want to give that up.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. No way would I be traveling all that way with a toddler and new baby. Anyone who would give you a hard time for wanting to stay home is plain selfish. Tell your DH and then do NOT give in to the guilt tripping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. No way would I be traveling all that way with a toddler and new baby. Anyone who would give you a hard time for wanting to stay home is plain selfish. Tell your DH and then do NOT give in to the guilt tripping.

I agree with this.

We have one child and when he turned 2 we told both sets of in-laws that we would be doing Christmas at home from now on so that our child can experience waking up to see what Santa brought. We invite both sets of inlaws to visit us after Christmas. This past year we had my parents for 2 days and my inlaws for 2 days after Christmas (but the calendar allowed it to work out that way this year).

There's just too much baby/toddler gear to schlep, plus gifts to haul up and back. Plus neither of our families have comfortable accommodations for our kid.

When our child was 1 yo. We visited both sets of parents at their homes around Christmas. Each family seemed to be trying to out do the other with grand gifts. We ended up having to stop at a UPS store and ship some things to our home because we couldn't fit all the enormous boxes in the SUV. Ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

TBH I am 100% the opposite of this in our family (its very important to have the multigenerational stuff over the in our own home traditions) BUT I also think this is valid if its truly how you feel and mostly how your DH feels too. Broach it this way

We do plenty of multigenerational stuff year round. We spend Easter with my family, Thanksgiving with his, and 2 weeks of summer at a central location with extended cousins. The kids also spend a week with my parents alone and my inlaws take them for a week on a trip. I just hated the hassle and expense of schlepping Christmas gifts for Santa to bring only to have to pay to bring them all home again. We have a whole bunch of traditions we've started around tree decorating, dessert making, card display, 25 Christmas books, etc) that I would not want to give that up.

Can I just say that as a non christian to annother you are getting a serious gold star for doing all this stuff! I don't do any of that! (well we do celebrate Hannukah so we have traditions around that) and then celebrate Christmas with the christian relatives.

[Anonymous]

You totally get a pass. Exhausted with toddler & new baby & just want to stay home this year!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it. Most holidays are just a big meal with food you wouldn't really want to eat if you had a choice. (Unless of course your in-laws or parents are the most amazing cooks and put out a spread that rivals anything you'd see on the Food Network).

Holidays are so overblown with marketing and how things "should" be. No one will die if you miss one or dare to do things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you need your DH to agree. Just say you can't/don't want to travel at Christmas this year. Use limited vacation time as an example. Keep out discussions of the crazy aunt or being cooped up. Just keep it simple "It's too much work, I don't have enough time off, I really don't want to travel". Then follow it up with, something you are willing to do "I'm happy to have everyone here, or host your parents, or whatever". Start the conversation in small ways with your DH. You both need to be on board. Then, your DH breaks it to his family.

OP here, thanks this sounds like great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)

OP here -- this is absolutely not something I agree with. They are a very close family, we see them a lot, they don't need a holiday that has essentially turned into a gift giving frenzy to help them be close.

Admit you have no respect for Christmas or holiday traditions. Stop using the travel and the baby as an excuse.

OP here - this is so insane, please stop posting!

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't blame you. My ILs expected us to spend every other holiday with them since we spend Christmas with my family. Finally, I had to say that we wanted to create some of our own traditions in our own home. I let them know that they are always welcome to visit, but with both our work schedules & two small children, it was just too difficult to travel. BTW, we haven't seen them in two years now since we stopped making the effort to travel to them. They're retired and have plenty of money. There's no reason they can't visit us.

[Anonymous]

Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

What 'Christian' things do American Christians do at Christmas besides perhaps saying a few lines of grace before eating? The rest of the time you are having a meal with the family, sitting around talking or watching tv, opening Christmas gifts etc....which are all the things my family did when we celebrated Christmas and we are non practicing Muslims! My parents had us celebrate Christmas do we wouldn't feel left out at school! Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

What 'Christian' things do American Christians do at Christmas besides perhaps saying a few lines of grace before eating? The rest of the time you are having a meal with the family, sitting around talking or watching tv, opening Christmas gifts etc....which are all the things my family did when we celebrated Christmas and we are non practicing Muslims! My parents had us celebrate Christmas do we wouldn't feel left out at school! Lol

Our family is originally from Germany and there are many customs surrounding the holiday that make it special. You would not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

What 'Christian' things do American Christians do at Christmas besides perhaps saying a few lines of grace before eating? The rest of the time you are having a meal with the family, sitting around talking or watching tv, opening Christmas gifts etc....which are all the things my family did when we celebrated Christmas and we are non practicing Muslims! My parents had us celebrate Christmas do we wouldn't feel left out at school! Lol

Our family is originally from Germany and there are many customs surrounding the holiday that make it special. You would not understand.

Yeah I'm not talking about German Christmas traditions. I bet most Christian Americans can't understand your customs either since they are not of Gerkan origin!!

I'm asking about what the run of the mill average American family does for Christmas that is so Christian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will miss his family at Christmas. I regret caving into my spouse about this years ago. It's not the same being surrounded by non-Christians at that time of year.

What 'Christian' things do American Christians do at Christmas besides perhaps saying a few lines of grace before eating? The rest of the time you are having a meal with the family, sitting around talking or watching tv, opening Christmas gifts etc....which are all the things my family did when we celebrated Christmas and we are non practicing Muslims! My parents had us celebrate Christmas do we wouldn't feel left out at school! Lol

Our family is originally from Germany and there are many customs surrounding the holiday that make it special. You would not understand.

Yeah I'm not talking about German Christmas traditions. I bet most Christian Americans can't understand your customs either since they are not of Gerkan origin!!

I'm asking about what the run of the mill average American family does for Christmas that is so Christian?

We always went midnight services on Christmas Eve at our church when I was a kid. I no longer practice religion, but I do miss that service. It was meaningful for my family at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

This is what we said.