How to gently tell ILs we will not be going there for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your husband on board first, because it's a joint decision , right?

Then gives the ILs a heads up that it's practical for you this year, but that they're welcome to come visit you.

This. The real struggle with be getting your DH on board. Once he is, you just tell the ILs. You can have alternate plans in mind. They are welcome to come see you, you will go out for New Years, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Ah another controlling wife thread. You are not Christian so this is about you not wanting to visit ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

TBH I am 100% the opposite of this in our family (its very important to have the multigenerational stuff over the in our own home traditions) BUT I also think this is valid if its truly how you feel and mostly how your DH feels too. Broach it this way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)

No they don't. OP and her DH can decide to travel or not. IL's will decide for themselves whether to travel or not. It isn't difficult and there's no need to be gentle about it. Just say "with the two young kids travel at Christmas just isn't what we want to do. You're more than welcome to visit us here, and attend services at a church nearby."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)

Maybe not call the shots, but she she realize her husband's opinion on this is equally as important in this as hers. Multigenerational Christmas might a necessity for him.

What then?

OP doesn't get to rule out Christmas visits just because she's the wife/mom and not Christian. It also doesn't mean they automatically travel for Christmas.

She needs to work this out with her husband first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)

OP here -- this is absolutely not something I agree with. They are a very close family, we see them a lot, they don't need a holiday that has essentially turned into a gift giving frenzy to help them be close.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I should clarify the this is something I am pretty confident my husband will be on board with, and yes of course I'll discuss it with him first.

[Anonymous]

I think you should make these visits while the kids are young. Yes, it is a pain to pack up babies and toddlers. You wind up bringing So.Much.Stuff. And then the stress of never having everything on hand that you need.

Maybe do a 3 or 4 day visit (or shorter) if you can manage. A week is a long time, probably a bit too long. But it is really important for both sides of your family to get to know the kids while they are little. And as hard as it may seem schedule wise to fit these visits in it gets even harder once the kids start school and have other activities going on.

You will have time to focus in on your own traditions when the kids are a little older.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I totally get why you don't want to keep going to you ILs for the holidays. My ILs live in a small town and there's absolutely nothing to do there and it's freezing cold (they refuse to turn up the heat even for their 2 year old grand child. that was the final straw for me, so i don't plan on going up there during the winter ever again.) MIL is also the organist for the church service so it's pretty important that they stay in town.

This year, my friend who lives about 40 minutes away from ILs invited us to visit over New Year's. they have a nice warm house. We stopped by for dinner at our ILs and then stayed at our friend's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make these visits while the kids are young. Yes, it is a pain to pack up babies and toddlers. You wind up bringing So.Much.Stuff. And then the stress of never having everything on hand that you need.

Maybe do a 3 or 4 day visit (or shorter) if you can manage. A week is a long time, probably a bit too long. But it is really important for both sides of your family to get to know the kids while they are little. And as hard as it may seem schedule wise to fit these visits in it gets even harder once the kids start school and have other activities going on.

You will have time to focus in on your own traditions when the kids are a little older.

OP here - a lot of posters are making this into one of those "OMG crazy ungrateful daughter in law" threads, but I have a good relationship with my in laws and we actually see them a lot. So there is absolutely no issue about them not getting to know the grandkids, and I'm sure they'll be coming to visit a lot after the new baby is born, too. This is specifically about going to see them for Christmas and what a pain it will be to travel with a small baby and a toddler over the holidays. We'll definitely go visit with the new baby at some point, but I'd prefer to be able to do that over a low key 3 day weekend or something and not deal with all the stress that comes with traveling over the holidays (plus having to take time off that I don't have, etc…).

*We don't see the aunt that often since she won't travel here, but we see her almost every time we go to see them.

[Anonymous]

I agree you need your DH to agree. Just say you can't/don't want to travel at Christmas this year. Use limited vacation time as an example. Keep out discussions of the crazy aunt or being cooped up. Just keep it simple "It's too much work, I don't have enough time off, I really don't want to travel". Then follow it up with, something you are willing to do "I'm happy to have everyone here, or host your parents, or whatever". Start the conversation in small ways with your DH. You both need to be on board. Then, your DH breaks it to his family.

[Anonymous]

How far are they?

We do every other Christmas/holiday. We'll have a 5 month old and my inlaws will get this Christmas. The only way it's working is that we're going to drive up Friday night and come home Sunday night since Christmas is on a Sunday. I'm going to be in the hole for annual leave for a long time due to maternity leave, so I can't take any leave.

[Anonymous]

This one seems easy to me - you probably won't have any leave left after maternity leave anyway. So it's easy enough to say to H now, hey, I'm not going to be able to travel to your parents' this year for Christmas because I will have no vacation days left. Do you think we can take a year off given that and the fact that the baby is going to be so young? We can host at our house if your parents want to come.

We have a blanket policy in our house that we don't travel with infants after a particularly disastrous trip with our first, but we are both on board with it and present a united front to both sets of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)

OP here -- this is absolutely not something I agree with. They are a very close family, we see them a lot, they don't need a holiday that has essentially turned into a gift giving frenzy to help them be close.

Admit you have no respect for Christmas or holiday traditions. Stop using the travel and the baby as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah another controlling wife thread. You are not Christian so this is about you not wanting to visit ever

Did you miss the part about a 5 mo old +2 y.o? Or perhaps the part where the ILs would be invited to visit OP&fam instead that same Christmas? Crazy people on this board...