How to gently tell ILs we will not be going there for Christmas

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking ahead, I know, but in the past we've gone to my ILs house for Christmas because I am not Christian and they are. They're a small family and there is a crazy aunt involved who won't travel the four hours to visit us (she's scared of the traffic, and we've offered solutions like train, bus, meeting her an hour away so that one of us can drive her car in, having her visit with friends who will drive her, etc.) but wants to see us at Christmas. Anyway, it's been a big hassle visiting them ever since we had DS because, you know, it's a pain traveling with a toddler, and also because they live in a really small town and DS gets really antsy at their house (DH never wants to go out and do anything, and DS and I get super bored - this Christmas I had to basically BEG him to tell us how to get to the closest playground since it was so nice outside and DS needed to run around). This year, we'll have a new baby that will be about 5 months old around Christmas time and I really, really don't want to travel, plus I don't think I'll be able to take much time off after maternity leave. Oh, and I didn't mention, DH's parents are very involved in their church so they won't want to miss their church services to come to us over Christmas (but maybe they can come before or after and bring crazy Aunt with them). I also think we're our own family now and we should start our own Christmas traditions. How do I gently broach the subject with DH and ILs that I want to stay home for Christmas this year? I feel like I made a bad mistake by setting this precedent every year since we've been married (10 years) and now it's just an assumption that it will happen.

My family is SO flexible about travel plans, doesn't need to work around any holidays, this has never been an issue for me!!

[Anonymous]

We did this last year, though for different reasons. We told them early what are plans were and invited them to plan around it.

[Anonymous]

We visit in laws a week after Christmas a lot. Takes the pressure off of us and allows us to relax a little. Can you do that? Or go for Thanksgiving instead? Or say you volunteer to host? If they decline then they decline.

[Anonymous]

A gentle way to do that would be to tell them with the growing family, it's increasingly difficult to travel while the kids are young (and in honestly does get a lot easier when they are all in grade school and older).

You could tell them because of the infant you are planning to stay home this year (and they are welcome to come). But maybe an every-other-year trip would be better. I mean, most people i know do split holidays every other year with family anyway. This isn't an out-there plan.

But of course, that's only if you can stomach going every other year.

[Anonymous]

It is your DH who should tell them, not you. Go every other year and invite them to come on the off year.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation (ILs in the Midwest). Have your husband talk to his parents. Say that you have limited vacation time and you want your kids to have holiday memories in their home (my MIL considers the Midwest to be our "home", even though we were married here and our children were born here, so I think she was more bothered that we don't consider her house our "home" than anything else). They are always welcome to come. If they don't, they don't. In my case, my ILs are healthy, retired, and are well off, but prefer not to travel.

[Anonymous]

Well your first step is to discuss this with your DH and not unilaterally decide what will be 9 months from now.
Then he can broach the subject with his family.

[Anonymous]

We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We simply told all of the grandparents that it was very important for our family to have Santa visit our kids in their own home so we can all relax and enjoy their gifts without having to schlep them to another state. We made it clear that anyone was welcome to come visit us and we would happily visit them at another time. This became even easier when the kids got older and our vacation time was restricted by school schedules.

+1

[Anonymous]

What's with this gently crap ?

Just say no, we're staying home. They won't break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's with this gently crap ?

Just say no, we're staying home. They won't break.

This. They are not porcelain dolls, OP.

[Anonymous]

Get your husband on board first, because it's a joint decision , right?

Then gives the ILs a heads up that it's practical for you this year, but that they're welcome to come visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well your first step is to discuss this with your DH and not unilaterally decide what will be 9 months from now.
Then he can broach the subject with his family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your post title is misleading. Really you should be saying "how do I gently broach this with dh?" Because he needs to agree and be on board and then he can be the one to break it to them.

[Anonymous]

I agree that first you need to discuss this with DH to make sure you're both on the same page and compromise as needed.

That being said, you're not Christian, and if this holiday is important to them and an effective way to maintain family traditions and closeness, you should accept that they call the shots on Christmas, as long as travel is possible.

(I'm not Christian.)