MEN ONLY- why do you have difficulties talking about your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

This too. Emotional vocabulary is lacking - I feel "fine" or "sad" or "its ok" rarely cuts it. Or It seems the expectation is that I have a several paragraph explanation ready at a moments notice and when it's not there it's something that needs to be worked on and thought about until the essay is ready.

This original post makes me a bit sad - I think everyone deserves to be able to adequately express themselves. Emotions aren't optional or something that can be pushed aside and ignored - they are a normal part of being a human and a sign that your brain is adequately processing and reacting to the behaviour going on around you.

Being able to competently and clearly state how you're feeling isn't a sign of weakness or vulnerability. Being specific in your communication with your spouses is as important as being specific with work communications.

+1. By withholding, the people in your life don't really get to truly know you or how you tick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

This too. Emotional vocabulary is lacking - I feel "fine" or "sad" or "its ok" rarely cuts it. Or It seems the expectation is that I have a several paragraph explanation ready at a moments notice and when it's not there it's something that needs to be worked on and thought about until the essay is ready.

This original post makes me a bit sad - I think everyone deserves to be able to adequately express themselves. Emotions aren't optional or something that can be pushed aside and ignored - they are a normal part of being a human and a sign that your brain is adequately processing and reacting to the behaviour going on around you.

Being able to competently and clearly state how you're feeling isn't a sign of weakness or vulnerability. Being specific in your communication with your spouses is as important as being specific with work communications.

+1. By withholding, the people in your life don't really get to truly know you or how you tick.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

This too. Emotional vocabulary is lacking - I feel "fine" or "sad" or "its ok" rarely cuts it. Or It seems the expectation is that I have a several paragraph explanation ready at a moments notice and when it's not there it's something that needs to be worked on and thought about until the essay is ready.

This original post makes me a bit sad - I think everyone deserves to be able to adequately express themselves. Emotions aren't optional or something that can be pushed aside and ignored - they are a normal part of being a human and a sign that your brain is adequately processing and reacting to the behaviour going on around you.

Being able to competently and clearly state how you're feeling isn't a sign of weakness or vulnerability. Being specific in your communication with your spouses is as important as being specific with work communications.

+1. By withholding, the people in your life don't really get to truly know you or how you tick.

+2

I'm the original poster, and you don't have to be sad for me. I'm happy, successful, and have strong and secure relationships with my wife, my children, and my friends. My wife knows me, and knows by my actions when I need something - and knows how to tell me when she needs something. My kids know I love them and would do anything to help and protect them. My friends know how strong our bonds are. I just don't feel the need to go on and on about my emotions.

[Anonymous]

I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

Well, from one guy's perspective, this sounds like I not only need to deal with my own emotional issues. I need to add to that by also working to satisfactorily communicate my emotions to my wife. And *then* dealing with her emotional responses to that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

Well, from one guy's perspective, this sounds like I not only need to deal with my own emotional issues. I need to add to that by also working to satisfactorily communicate my emotions to my wife. And *then* dealing with her emotional responses to that information.

Well from a woman's perspective you just described a marriage. Each person is responsible for maintaining their own mental health, or at least trying to, and to communicate well with their partner and to support their partner through anything they feel or go through.

What's lacking in your response is the wife's assumption that she has taken on that exact same burden willingly

[Anonymous]

Because my thoughts, opinions, and/or feelings only matter to her if they are the same as hers. I'd rather keep to myself than explain my feelings and then have to spend half an hour defending them.....ultimately ending up right back where I started, only more frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

Well, from one guy's perspective, this sounds like I not only need to deal with my own emotional issues. I need to add to that by also working to satisfactorily communicate my emotions to my wife. And *then* dealing with her emotional responses to that information.

Well from a woman's perspective you just described a marriage. Each person is responsible for maintaining their own mental health, or at least trying to, and to communicate well with their partner and to support their partner through anything they feel or go through.

What's lacking in your response is the wife's assumption that she has taken on that exact same burden willingly

+1. no wonder so many women file for divorce. this kind of relationship is exhausting and sadly, all too common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

Well, from one guy's perspective, this sounds like I not only need to deal with my own emotional issues. I need to add to that by also working to satisfactorily communicate my emotions to my wife. And *then* dealing with her emotional responses to that information.

Well from a woman's perspective you just described a marriage. Each person is responsible for maintaining their own mental health, or at least trying to, and to communicate well with their partner and to support their partner through anything they feel or go through.

What's lacking in your response is the wife's assumption that she has taken on that exact same burden willingly

communicate well = "words, words, and more words" for women
communicate well = "just get to the point" for men

[Anonymous]

Whenever I talk about my feelings, it does not go well. My wife has clearly been laying the groundwork for the discussion for hours and there is nothing I say that will avoid being questioned, diminished or criticized in some way.

The rest of the time, things go pretty well. I learn to keep my head down and only shop for the gifts from the list she gives me. (the gift buying never goes well either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I talk about my feelings, it does not go well. My wife has clearly been laying the groundwork for the discussion for hours and there is nothing I say that will avoid being questioned, diminished or criticized in some way.

The rest of the time, things go pretty well. I learn to keep my head down and only shop for the gifts from the list she gives me. (the gift buying never goes well either).

sounds like you have accepted being part of a controlling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my first marriage because my ex husband did not know how to express feelings or emotions. I felt very lonely and disconnected from him.

This pretty perfectly encapsulates how a woman's stated desire to have a man communicate his emotions is really about focusing on her emotional needs -- not a real concern about what his emotions are.

In the end, people have to take care of themselves because you can't count on somebody else.

Women do care about their husbands' emotions. By withholding and thereby putting your wives in a position to divine your needs, not only are you keeping your wives from Knowing what is going on with you, you are also burdening your wife with 1) not knowing what makes you tick and what your needs are and 2) feeling disconnected from the spouse.

Well, from one guy's perspective, this sounds like I not only need to deal with my own emotional issues. I need to add to that by also working to satisfactorily communicate my emotions to my wife. And *then* dealing with her emotional responses to that information.

Well from a woman's perspective you just described a marriage. Each person is responsible for maintaining their own mental health, or at least trying to, and to communicate well with their partner and to support their partner through anything they feel or go through.

What's lacking in your response is the wife's assumption that she has taken on that exact same burden willingly

communicate well = "words, words, and more words" for women
communicate well = "just get to the point" for men

Which means that in a good relationship, people meet in the middle instead of standing obstinately in their corners.