MEN ONLY- why do you have difficulties talking about your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:any posts with more than 2 lines are from women. 2 or less from men.

Or if she uses "mirror" as a verb. But I ramble, so I'll stop here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:any posts with more than 2 lines are from women. 2 or less from men.

Or if she uses "mirror" as a verb. But I ramble, so I'll stop here.

I'm a dude and I know what you mean, but to be fair to her, she was pretty accurately describing the lame BS a lot of women pull when they say they want to "share" (ie, that it's not sharing) - she was calling out other women.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I wish women would just say "yes" or "no" to my questions. I just need an answer, don't need a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when I tell my DW about my feelings she tells me I'm wrong and it's my fault. Or she starts crying and I end up apologizing just to get her to stop crying.

I think there is something to this. Woman here - not afraid of OP's "ban.". There are some people (women and men) who say the want to discuss "our feelings" but really what the person asking is saying is that s/he wants to discuss his/her feelings and have the non-communicator mirror these. If it isn't mirrored or the non-communicator expresses contrary feelings, then the above happens.

Another woman daring to break in here. I wonder though if this is a symptom of the overall drought. IE, man talks about his feelings when something becomes big enough to talk about so its either negative or a really big deal. First 'feeling' woman hears about in ages is about how he doesn't feel respected or something, woman thinks she's a giant failure.

Had man been more generally communicative about his emotional state on a regular basis, maybe criticisms wouldn't be taken as hard.

Not to say there aren't cray cray drama queens. But my DH is very stoic and if he told me he was feeling worried about something I would freak out because it would seem like the sky was falling. For him to feel bad enough to bring something up would make me think we were on the verge of divorce or something. I would try not to but it would be so out of character that it would be legitimately alarming.

Women breaking in nonstop gives you your answer - the women talk so much there just isn't s chance for the men to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

You were doing okay until you got to the bolded part. Gross generalization that reflects only your experience.

I don't think I am wrong, but maybe. I do think that for some men, talking about how a presentation went or this big meeting that's coming up IS sharing their feelings, and if you are married to such a man, it is important to recognize that.

I'm not quibbling with your basic premise, especially the part about listening and taking his concerns seriously. I'm simply saying that it's an oversimplification to say that all we care about is work. If you've read enough of the threads here you must have noticed that our concerns do actually include our marriages, our kids, etc. I might be really stressed about work but when I get home I'm not really interested in talking about it. I'd rather leave my work at the office. That's not a guy thing, it's just the way I'm wired. My wife is much more likely to want to talk about work. When I do need to talk about feelings, it's much more likely to be about our relationship. Not because I enjoy it, but because there are issues we need to work on.

Pp here, and this is just about the sexiest thing I have ever heard a man say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

You were doing okay until you got to the bolded part. Gross generalization that reflects only your experience.

I don't think I am wrong, but maybe. I do think that for some men, talking about how a presentation went or this big meeting that's coming up IS sharing their feelings, and if you are married to such a man, it is important to recognize that.

I'm not quibbling with your basic premise, especially the part about listening and taking his concerns seriously. I'm simply saying that it's an oversimplification to say that all we care about is work. If you've read enough of the threads here you must have noticed that our concerns do actually include our marriages, our kids, etc. I might be really stressed about work but when I get home I'm not really interested in talking about it. I'd rather leave my work at the office. That's not a guy thing, it's just the way I'm wired. My wife is much more likely to want to talk about work. When I do need to talk about feelings, it's much more likely to be about our relationship. Not because I enjoy it, but because there are issues we need to work on.

Pp here, and this is just about the sexiest thing I have ever heard a man say

[Anonymous]

My needs are simple and I am a stereotypical man - sex, sleep, food, love of my wife and kids, and I am happy.

I don't have intense feelings like my wife does. I am usually even keeled. Wife likes to ask what I am thinking, and it's usually "you look hot in those yoga pants" or "hope the Capitals can come back in the 3rd"

Also, agree with upthread poster that if I talk about feelings with wife, its usually her being more emotional in response which leads to hurt feelings. Easier to bury them and keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My needs are simple and I am a stereotypical man - sex, sleep, food, love of my wife and kids, and I am happy.

I don't have intense feelings like my wife does. I am usually even keeled. Wife likes to ask what I am thinking, and it's usually "you look hot in those yoga pants" or "hope the Capitals can come back in the 3rd"

Also, agree with upthread poster that if I talk about feelings with wife, its usually her being more emotional in response which leads to hurt feelings. Easier to bury them and keep the peace.

Prospective wives everywhere should be required to read this post.

[Anonymous]

There's usually not a problem. Having to endure your emotions are a problem.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I'm worried that my honest straightforward and blunt personality might be causing communication problems in my relationship. I think I'm too assertive. Im working on communicating better. I'm trying to understand why men are not as straightforward with their feelings as some women. I want the male perspective on communication. What prevents a man from expressing how he truly feels about a relationship problem.

[b]Again I want responses from men only.[/b] [/quote]

OP = Total idiot. You could learn so much from so many women who learned to communicate better with their husbands and partners.

[Anonymous]

Man. I have no trouble talking about feelings. My wife does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear, indifference, or difficulty

Fear- others have stated this already
Indifference- we may not feel like our feelings really matter on a particular subject or issue.
Difficult: sometimes I'm not sure how to communicate or articulate how I feel- so I just don't bother.

Pretty much. Mostly the middle one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

This too. Emotional vocabulary is lacking - I feel "fine" or "sad" or "its ok" rarely cuts it. Or It seems the expectation is that I have a several paragraph explanation ready at a moments notice and when it's not there it's something that needs to be worked on and thought about until the essay is ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

This too. Emotional vocabulary is lacking - I feel "fine" or "sad" or "its ok" rarely cuts it. Or It seems the expectation is that I have a several paragraph explanation ready at a moments notice and when it's not there it's something that needs to be worked on and thought about until the essay is ready.

This original post makes me a bit sad - I think everyone deserves to be able to adequately express themselves. Emotions aren't optional or something that can be pushed aside and ignored - they are a normal part of being a human and a sign that your brain is adequately processing and reacting to the behaviour going on around you.

Being able to competently and clearly state how you're feeling isn't a sign of weakness or vulnerability. Being specific in your communication with your spouses is as important as being specific with work communications.

[Anonymous]

Well men do talk about how their feelings. It just women really don't care or listen. I want to talk about your feelings = let's talk about me and my feelings.