Being a Woman, Manager, and My Tone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.

+ 1000! I would never say that kind of thing to my (female) boss. Does he want to keep his job? Then he should do the work, do it well, and do it on time, or find another job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.

+ 1000! I would never say that kind of thing to my (female) boss. Does he want to keep his job? Then he should do the work, do it well, and do it on time, or find another job.

But you would to your male boss? Do tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he young? I personally can't imagine ever saying something like that to my manager, but I'm in my 40's, so maybe I'm out of touch?

yes out of touch

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's a generational issue(most people below 30 have worked for women and think nothing of it).Most women boss run into problems with unclear communications ie not using the imperial tone. The give me liberty or give death example. Op does not seem to have that problem.

Op tell him he needs to get his work done on time or inform you of problems he has meeting the deadline. If you like him, you can informally talk to him about the issues of tone and women bosses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he is trying to distract from the fact that he did not complete a deliverable on time.

+1 also I would not go down the male/female line of questions. It could just as much be a generational issue, or both, or something else. Too much speculation, and what would you do with that information? I've been there and knowing the issue was sexism didn't ever help me solve the problems at hand.

Speaking of speculation, I wonder how he would have received, "Bob, the report was due yesterday. Would you please send it to me within the hour? Please call me if you have any questions." As a manager, this message has a few benefits over what you sent ("Please send me the report.")

1) It documents the lateness. You needed to do that, didn't you?
2) It's direct but completely cordial, not at all abrupt.
3) It reiterates the employee's burden to contact you. Reminders are reasonable but you shouldn't have to chase down deliverables.

Female manager here, and I also think he's trying to distract from the fact that he did not complete the deliverable on time. Agree with the second point quoted above about not getting into the male/female thing at all, and considering whether he'd receive a directive that was slightly softer a little better. There are definitely times for absolute imperatives, though, and if this was one of them in your judgment then he needs to pull up his panties and get over himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the subordinate bring it up with you directly? Or your boss or HR? That sets the stage on how I would handle it going forward.

He brought it up with me directly, which I appreciate.

Then give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not trying to undermine you. He's giving you feedback.

It's possible you have an abrasive tone -- and it has nothing to do with you being a woman.

Lot's of managers have trouble striking the balance between direct and being abrasive. And if your subordinates feel like you are barking orders at them (especially in a professional office environment), it affects the working relationship.

I have known male and female bosses with this problem.

Do you have other subordinates? It's possible others feel the same way, but he was the only one with the courage to bring it up.

I agree with the PP about posing things as questions.

If you are experiencing issues with him getting things in late, then find time to sit down with him and address that issue. Figure out some solutions. "John, three times now X report has been either late or right under the wire. I don't want to micromanage, but I do need you to get those to me ahead of the deadlines. If I don't feel confident that is going to happen, I'm going to have to keep asking you. I know you don't want that, and I don't want to do it. So let's figure out a way we can get this back on track."

When you pose it to him as a problem you want to solve together, want his input in resolving, that sets a better tone.

[Anonymous]

Ugh--can't stand this tone crap.

Got it from a woman in another office recently (her group had failed to deliver on a critical task about which we'd asked for months, and about which we'd been assured that everything was in order), resulting in more work for my group.

When I documented these facts by email, of course she complained about my tone.

Fortunately my boss has my back, and while neither of us called out the sexism, my boss agreed that this reply never would have been made to a man.

My general approach in these cases is to revert to written communication, which might be something like the message at 21:37 or might be a bit more direct.

Also agree that if you like this person, you might want to have a word with him about how he needs to think hard about (1) the reality that the work world means doing what he's told; (2) he's (probably unconsciously) reacting in a sexist manner; (3) for both reasons, this type of behavior is not likely to serve him well in the future.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a misogynist asshole.

[Anonymous]

What in the hell would be the problem with your telling him what to do, as in issuing a flat-out instruction?

"Todd, the purpose of this email is to let you know the deadline for the Widget project is Monday at close of business. Glenda."

You are his manager, not his friend.

[Anonymous]

Agree with earlier posters - document the lateness. I doubt this is going to be a one-off "tone" incident with this guy. Start preparing and keep all convos about the work (or lack of).

[Anonymous]

Did I write the OP?! This is me to a T... I (mid-30's female) recently moved into a leadership role within my org which changed interactions with a number of (generally older white male) colleagues. Various levels of "Why do you think you get to tell me what to do?" Well, that's my job now. Stop bitching to your line mgmt and get moving!
But the worst offender is a late-40's-early-50's WOMAN. She is constantly on me (and complaining to my line) about my "tone" and coddling her staff when they cry to her about me. Nobody else, including her staff that I'm on good terms with, has an issue with this. My boss (male boomer) thinks it's ridiculous. And if I was a guy, I bet I would just be called efficient and a go-getter. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.

+ 1000! I would never say that kind of thing to my (female) boss. Does he want to keep his job? Then he should do the work, do it well, and do it on time, or find another job.

I had an employee just like this. A male in his 40s, while I was a younger female. He gave me crap like this all of the time. However, he did the same thing with my boss (also a female). His resume showed that he bounced from job to job for years, but I had not been involved in hiring him - or he wouldn't have even received an interview. Some people are just disrespectful a-holes no matter how old they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I write the OP?! This is me to a T... I (mid-30's female) recently moved into a leadership role within my org which changed interactions with a number of (generally older white male) colleagues. Various levels of "Why do you think you get to tell me what to do?" Well, that's my job now. Stop bitching to your line mgmt and get moving!
But the worst offender is a late-40's-early-50's WOMAN. She is constantly on me (and complaining to my line) about my "tone" and coddling her staff when they cry to her about me. Nobody else, including her staff that I'm on good terms with, has an issue with this. My boss (male boomer) thinks it's ridiculous. And if I was a guy, I bet I would just be called efficient and a go-getter. Sheesh.

No, man face the same thing. I have seen it. It's called a leadership position...you need to be able to lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear, I felt my blood pressure go up just reading that. I've worked with guys like that before and when I accommodated their (sexist) request that I modify my tone and phrase things as requests instead of imperatives, they chose to treat my "requests" as optional and didn't do the tasks I needed them to do. The root of the problem is they don't want to answer to a woman.

I no longer humor requests like this. If you don't like my "tone" when everyone else I communicate with has no problems with it, I'm very comfortable letting you know it is your problem to deal with, not mine.

I love this.

No, OP, I don't think he would tell a male supervisor that he didn't like his "tone." I agree with PP.

Also, maybe I missed the memo, but since when is it the norm to tell your higher-up you don't like the way they asked you to do something? I'm not referring to abusive speech, of course, but you get paid to work because it's work, not wall-to-wall funtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the hell would be the problem with your telling him what to do, as in issuing a flat-out instruction?

"Todd, the purpose of this email is to let you know the deadline for the Widget project is Monday at close of business. Glenda."

You are his manager, not his friend.

I feel like a lot of the early career professionals these days want a friend/mommy for a manager. They can't handle being spoken to directly. I'm a manager that tends to speak very directly to staff - it's just my style. I compensate for it through rewards and praise when things go well. I think that as an employee you have to adapt to your manager's style. Is he going to expect a soft tone with every manager he has in life?

OP if you've been a successful manager, why should you change your style for one person. The tone of your voice should not be blocking him from doing good work. And asking staff to do stuff in the form of a question...I cringe when I hear female managers speak like that.