Being a Woman, Manager, and My Tone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can't deal with women who are direct. Their mommies spoiled them and they can't get with the program.

Yes. My husband is the same way. I have to try and stroke his ego when instructing him to do something. I think more men are like this than are not. It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm female and I do see the inherent sexism in what you're saying.

But... I feel like female managers tend to overcompensate. They want to feel powerful so they're more forceful with their employees and demanding. Male bosses have always been more collaborative. Have you been to management classes (ie "charm school" as we call it)?

You are exactly why we will always have sexism in the workplace. Just by doing their job you view female managers are being "forceful" and wanting to be "powerful". Ridiculous.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

I wouldn't even go down the male/female path.
Deal with the issue he has brought up with you directly and leave your thoughts on the "why" out of it.

I would initiate a discussion with him saying you have thought about his request, and regarding this specific issue
1. The deliverable was late
2. The deliverable was his sole responsibility
And therefore your request was a reminder of his basic and essential job duty, which you shouldn't actually have had to remind him to do. See points 1 and 2

I am a woman FWIW and could almost see his point is it were something
not in his job description or unclear on the task and timing but your post indicates otherwise.

Also, I do think that it will undermine you and being up unnecessary details to make this a man/woman thing. Just my 2 cents. I wouldn't even reduce myself to having a discussion about that.

I like this suggestion best. I am not a fan of being told to do something just because you say so... But then again I don't pose as a headache by being late on projects with higher ups.

[Anonymous]

"You don't have to like me or my tone. The deliverable was late. I need you to return to your desk and submit the project before you leave tonight. If you can't finish the deliverable by then, or if you cannot work for me due to your feelings about my tone, please leave your resignation letter on my desk before you leave tonight".

Will management support you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You don't have to like me or my tone. The deliverable was late. I need you to return to your desk and submit the project before you leave tonight. If you can't finish the deliverable by then, or if you cannot work for me due to your feelings about my tone, please leave your resignation letter on my desk before you leave tonight".

Will management support you, OP?

I liked this at the beginning, but I think it gets probably unnecessarily confrontational.

Try this instead: "You don't have to like me or my tone. The deliverable was late. Please send me the report immediately."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You don't have to like me or my tone. The deliverable was late. I need you to return to your desk and submit the project before you leave tonight. If you can't finish the deliverable by then, or if you cannot work for me due to your feelings about my tone, please leave your resignation letter on my desk before you leave tonight".

Will management support you, OP?

This is the kind of thing I dream of being able to say.

[Anonymous]

I loved this Washington Post article about mansplaining.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2015/10/13/jennifer-lawrence-has-a-point-famous-quotes-the-way-a-woman-would-have-to-say-them-during-a-meeting/

Clearly, OP, it's all your fault. Try something like this next time:

Instead of "Give me liberty, or give me death.” try “Dave, if I could, I could just — I just really feel like if we had liberty it would be terrific, and the alternative would just be awful, you know? That’s just how it strikes me. I don’t know.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he is trying to distract from the fact that he did not complete a deliverable on time.

+1 also I would not go down the male/female line of questions. It could just as much be a generational issue, or both, or something else. Too much speculation, and what would you do with that information? I've been there and knowing the issue was sexism didn't ever help me solve the problems at hand.

Speaking of speculation, I wonder how he would have received, "Bob, the report was due yesterday. Would you please send it to me within the hour? Please call me if you have any questions." As a manager, this message has a few benefits over what you sent ("Please send me the report.")

1) It documents the lateness. You needed to do that, didn't you?
2) It's direct but completely cordial, not at all abrupt.
3) It reiterates the employee's burden to contact you. Reminders are reasonable but you shouldn't have to chase down deliverables.

[Anonymous]

He's an asshole. You're his boss. He needs to get over it.

I used to pass out huge chunks of work for my boss, to other people he managed in a different group. One guy got upset at how cheery I was - he felt I took glee in dumping more work on him when he was already stressed.

We were basically at the same level, but I understood his point and toned down how I delivered the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

I wouldn't even go down the male/female path.
Deal with the issue he has brought up with you directly and leave your thoughts on the "why" out of it.

I would initiate a discussion with him saying you have thought about his request, and regarding this specific issue
1. The deliverable was late
2. The deliverable was his sole responsibility
And therefore your request was a reminder of his basic and essential job duty, which you shouldn't actually have had to remind him to do. See points 1 and 2

I am a woman FWIW and could almost see his point is it were something
not in his job description or unclear on the task and timing but your post indicates otherwise.

Also, I do think that it will undermine you and being up unnecessary details to make this a man/woman thing. Just my 2 cents. I wouldn't even reduce myself to having a discussion about that.

I like this suggestion best. I am not a fan of being told to do something just because you say so... But then again I don't pose as a headache by being late on projects with higher ups.

Are you 12, or do you have problems holding a job? Entitled bullshit. Do your job, provide the deliverables you are told to provide. This goes from the receptionist to the CEO.

[Anonymous]

It's a job. You owe no explanation. You weren't rude or abrasive.

Silently nod your head and tell him to GTFO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear, I felt my blood pressure go up just reading that. I've worked with guys like that before and when I accommodated their (sexist) request that I modify my tone and phrase things as requests instead of imperatives, they chose to treat my "requests" as optional and didn't do the tasks I needed them to do. The root of the problem is they don't want to answer to a woman.

I no longer humor requests like this. If you don't like my "tone" when everyone else I communicate with has no problems with it, I'm very comfortable letting you know it is your problem to deal with, not mine.

+1. I normally start out with "requests" and then when they aren't followed I switch to imperatives. I'm sure I come across to these guys as a little bit abrasive at that point, especially because I'm a woman (for reasons this thread has already brought up), but I view that as their fault, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I swear, I felt my blood pressure go up just reading that. I've worked with guys like that before and when I accommodated their (sexist) request that I modify my tone and phrase things as requests instead of imperatives, they chose to treat my "requests" as optional and didn't do the tasks I needed them to do. The root of the problem is they don't want to answer to a woman.

I no longer humor requests like this. If you don't like my "tone" when everyone else I communicate with has no problems with it, I'm very comfortable letting you know it is your problem to deal with, not mine.

+1. I normally start out with "requests" and then when they aren't followed I switch to imperatives. I'm sure I come across to these guys as a little bit abrasive at that point, especially because I'm a woman (for reasons this thread has already brought up), but I view that as their fault, not mine.

Same here. Also, what are they going to do, complain about my tone when they've already failed to do what they were asked to do? "I know I didn't get that critical task done but she didn't say pretty please with a cherry on top!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved this Washington Post article about mansplaining.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2015/10/13/jennifer-lawrence-has-a-point-famous-quotes-the-way-a-woman-would-have-to-say-them-during-a-meeting/

Clearly, OP, it's all your fault. Try something like this next time:

Instead of "Give me liberty, or give me death.” try “Dave, if I could, I could just — I just really feel like if we had liberty it would be terrific, and the alternative would just be awful, you know? That’s just how it strikes me. I don’t know.”

OMG LOL PP. Especially the "I don't know" at the end. Just perfect.

[Anonymous]

Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.