Being a Woman, Manager, and My Tone

[Anonymous]

I was once told by a supervisor that "someone who reports to you" (I knew exactly who it was) said that my tone in emails was disrespectful. I read my emails several times, trying to find the disrespectful language, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I asked a couple of friends to read it, and they couldn't figure it out either. Professional, to the point, but not disrespectful.

I tried an experiment: the next few times I emailed her, I used the same language, but put exclamation points in a couple of sentences. My supervisor told me that she was happy I "changed my tone." Ugh.

Women shouldn't have to feel like they're stepping on eggshells in the workplace. This woman was older than me--almost my mom's age--and had an idea about how "younger people" should address older people. I was careful about it from then on, but honestly felt a bit insulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the subordinate bring it up with you directly? Or your boss or HR? That sets the stage on how I would handle it going forward.

He brought it up with me directly, which I appreciate.

Then give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not trying to undermine you. He's giving you feedback.

It's possible you have an abrasive tone -- and it has nothing to do with you being a woman.

Lot's of managers have trouble striking the balance between direct and being abrasive. And if your subordinates feel like you are barking orders at them (especially in a professional office environment), it affects the working relationship.

I have known male and female bosses with this problem.

Do you have other subordinates? It's possible others feel the same way, but he was the only one with the courage to bring it up.

I agree with the PP about posing things as questions.

If you are experiencing issues with him getting things in late, then find time to sit down with him and address that issue. Figure out some solutions. "John, three times now X report has been either late or right under the wire. I don't want to micromanage, but I do need you to get those to me ahead of the deadlines. If I don't feel confident that is going to happen, I'm going to have to keep asking you. I know you don't want that, and I don't want to do it. So let's figure out a way we can get this back on track."

When you pose it to him as a problem you want to solve together, want his input in resolving, that sets a better tone.

But to use his input, the conversation would actually sound like this, which is absurd: ""John, I think three times now X report has been either late or right under the wire, is that correct? Would you rather me micromanage? If not, could you please get X reports to me ahead of the deadlines? Do you feel confident that is going to happen? If not, is it ok if I keep asking you? I don't think either of us wants that, right? How can we can get this back on track??"

[Anonymous]

So you need to sugarcoat for this grown man who didn't do his job? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.

+ 1000! I would never say that kind of thing to my (female) boss. Does he want to keep his job? Then he should do the work, do it well, and do it on time, or find another job.

1. This is not insubordination.
2. Insubordination is a bitch to prove to HR or any review panel.

OP, how old is your report? Funny, how everybody jumped at the opportunity to kick the proverbial middle-aged sexist. To me, your report sounds like a dumb-ass Millennial. Kick him in the nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you need to sugarcoat for this grown man who didn't do his job? No.

Grown person

But otherwise +100

[Anonymous]

OP here. The subordinate is 29. I'm 36 so not that much older but certainly more mature. I remember silently seething at my bosses yelling at me and saying inappropriate things but just keeping my head down and grinding out good work product. And saving their asses in meetings. And that's how I got promoted. And those awful bosses are now my peers and treat me respectfully. It's sad that I had to earn basic respect. And it's sad that this guy thinks his boss telling him what to do is a sign of disrespect. He seems so soft... Hope he will make it through this cruel world.

[Anonymous]

It's probably some sexism, but in general people who pride themselves on how "direct" they are tend to jerks who lack self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably some sexism, but in general people who pride themselves on how "direct" they are tend to jerks who lack self awareness.

+1

Also, I think women managers are self primed to see everything as sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you should not tolerate the insubordination.

+ 1000! I would never say that kind of thing to my (female) boss. Does he want to keep his job? Then he should do the work, do it well, and do it on time, or find another job.

But you would to your male boss? Do tell.

I wouldn't do it to any boss. I included the fact that my boss is female because we're talking about female managers. What do I know, I'm just a Gen Xer interested in keeping her job.

It's interesting that the employee mentioned in the OP sounds as though he has performance issues, and yet he's managed to put the focus on whether his female boss is nice enough.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, same thing happened to me (mid-30s) with an older AA woman. She was insubordinate, incompetent, and failed to do work for several months. By the end, most of my communication was documentation via email that she hadn't delivered assignments. It was a PITA. I gave her a negative performance review, with a performance improvement plan, which she said she wouldn't do, retired with two weeks' notice, and then tried to sue for age, sex, and race discrimination. Her entire argument was that she didn't like my tone when I had told her to leave my office (because she was wasting my time after three months of failing to bring assigned work to meetings). She lost, of course, but it was the biggest drain on my energy for MONTHS. This is a state agency, and I just kept wishing I was back at a non-profit where I could've told her to hit the road and had a replacement in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Women bosses tend to have it harder and are "bitches", "rude", and "mean", while a man acting the same way is an amazing leader.

I've found that people are more willing to do what I ask when I act more like a friend than a boss (when I was more direct, I was a "stuck up bitch"). However, when push comes to shove, if things aren't getting done, then bitchy me comes out and I pull rank. I haven't decided if being too friendly is going to backfire on me. Males lower on the food chain are now borderline inappropriate (too touchy, someone greeted me as, "hey beautiful" yesterday). I can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women bosses tend to have it harder and are "bitches", "rude", and "mean", while a man acting the same way is an amazing leader.

I've found that people are more willing to do what I ask when I act more like a friend than a boss (when I was more direct, I was a "stuck up bitch"). However, when push comes to shove, if things aren't getting done, then bitchy me comes out and I pull rank. I haven't decided if being too friendly is going to backfire on me. Males lower on the food chain are now borderline inappropriate (too touchy, someone greeted me as, "hey beautiful" yesterday). I can't win.

No. Men acting like that are dick heads.

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue with my employees and all of them are under 30. I think it is just a millennial thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue with my employees and all of them are under 30. I think it is just a millennial thing.

It is. They seriously can't deal with anyone telling them what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue with my employees and all of them are under 30. I think it is just a millennial thing.

Not surprising given millennial women taught men they are sex objects.