Being a Woman, Manager, and My Tone

[Anonymous]

I'm female and I do see the inherent sexism in what you're saying.

But... I feel like female managers tend to overcompensate. They want to feel powerful so they're more forceful with their employees and demanding. Male bosses have always been more collaborative. Have you been to management classes (ie "charm school" as we call it)?

[Anonymous]

Did you ask him if he has considered his response is a result of you being a woman? I'd simply tell him you're his manager and you in no way have to give him instructions in the form of a question. That's ridiculous.

Look if he's truly saying crap like this it will catch up with him.

[Anonymous]

Or, it could have nothing to do with your gender. Perhaps you do have a somewhat brusque manner that can be of-putting. Is that possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

I wouldn't even go down the male/female path.
Deal with the issue he has brought up with you directly and leave your thoughts on the "why" out of it.

I would initiate a discussion with him saying you have thought about his request, and regarding this specific issue
1. The deliverable was late
2. The deliverable was his sole responsibility
And therefore your request was a reminder of his basic and essential job duty, which you shouldn't actually have had to remind him to do. See points 1 and 2

I am a woman FWIW and could almost see his point is it were something
not in his job description or unclear on the task and timing but your post indicates otherwise.

Also, I do think that it will undermine you and being up unnecessary details to make this a man/woman thing. Just my 2 cents. I wouldn't even reduce myself to having a discussion about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he report to you or is he just lower down on the totem pole?

He's a direct report.

Then this guy is 100% in the wrong. I would have a HR have a chat with him, pronto.

[Anonymous]

How did you respond op?

[Anonymous]

I think he's totally wrong too OP.
- HR lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female and I do see the inherent sexism in what you're saying.

But... I feel like female managers tend to overcompensate. They want to feel powerful so they're more forceful with their employees and demanding. Male bosses have always been more collaborative. Have you been to management classes (ie "charm school" as we call it)?

You are exactly why we will always have sexism in the workplace. Just by doing their job you view female managers are being "forceful" and wanting to be "powerful". Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

New female managers, maybe. Ones that have 2 or 3 years of experience are just matter of fact (for the most part). And good to work for/with.

This kid needs to be taken to the woodshed. Sounds like you were polite and even toned. If he doesn't like it, he can go elsewhere.

Signed a guy who appreciates even toned women managers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm female and I do see the inherent sexism in what you're saying.

But... I feel like female managers tend to overcompensate. They want to feel powerful so they're more forceful with their employees and demanding. Male bosses have always been more collaborative. Have you been to management classes (ie "charm school" as we call it)?

You are exactly why we will always have sexism in the workplace. Just by doing their job you view female managers are being "forceful" and wanting to be "powerful". Ridiculous.

No. I'm stating that women managers tend to be MORE forceful than male managers. I'm not just imagining it. They often overcompensate.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

This conversation about your tone is a distraction from the fact that his deliverable is late. He doesn't want to have a conversation about that because it's embarrassing to him, so instead is trying to deflect on your one of your personality traits, which is so annoying and sexist.

A lot of us don't like the tone our bosses use and the vast majority of us suck it up and don't say anything. Some of my male bosses have used a more condescending tone with me than with my male colleagues. I haven't said anything, not because I'm afraid to call it for what it is, but because tone and its meaning is very subjective - I perceive it a certain way and make assumptions about why that is. Obviously my boss is going to have his own version of what his tone is like with me and he'll have a different explanation. I see nothing to gain from getting into something that can't be objectively clarified and remedied. If some one is going to raise it, the right time is not when you're caught being late on something though - your subordinate is putting on a side show.

[Anonymous]

I think he is trying to distract from the fact that he did not complete a deliverable on time. Did he tell you it would be late? Or did he just not do the work and then throw up this foolishness when you asked for it?

Has he ever expressed concern over your tone before? Or is this just him trying to weasel out of his own screw up? I would document the hell out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation about your tone is a distraction from the fact that his deliverable is late. He doesn't want to have a conversation about that because it's embarrassing to him, so instead is trying to deflect on your one of your personality traits, which is so annoying and sexist.

A lot of us don't like the tone our bosses use and the vast majority of us suck it up and don't say anything. Some of my male bosses have used a more condescending tone with me than with my male colleagues. I haven't said anything, not because I'm afraid to call it for what it is, but because tone and its meaning is very subjective - I perceive it a certain way and make assumptions about why that is. Obviously my boss is going to have his own version of what his tone is like with me and he'll have a different explanation. I see nothing to gain from getting into something that can't be objectively clarified and remedied. If some one is going to raise it, the right time is not when you're caught being late on something though - your subordinate is putting on a side show.

I agree with this. Bringing up a problem you're having with someone when you've failed to do something you were supposed to do, unless your inability to complete the task at hand is a direct result of the other person's behavior (i.e. coworker did not provide necessary materials), is always going to seem like you're just trying to dodge responsibility. It's childish behavior at best.

[Anonymous]

Men can't deal with women who are direct. Their mommies spoiled them and they can't get with the program.