Being a Woman, Manager, and My Tone

[Anonymous]

I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

[Anonymous]

Did the subordinate bring it up with you directly? Or your boss or HR? That sets the stage on how I would handle it going forward.

[Anonymous]

Does he report to you or is he just lower down on the totem pole?

[Anonymous]

I swear, I felt my blood pressure go up just reading that. I've worked with guys like that before and when I accommodated their (sexist) request that I modify my tone and phrase things as requests instead of imperatives, they chose to treat my "requests" as optional and didn't do the tasks I needed them to do. The root of the problem is they don't want to answer to a woman.

I no longer humor requests like this. If you don't like my "tone" when everyone else I communicate with has no problems with it, I'm very comfortable letting you know it is your problem to deal with, not mine.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman manager and perhaps he would expect a different tone from a male manager, but at least in my experience I am not so sure. I have been managed by female and male managers, and my best managers (regardless of sex) were those that offered criticism constructively and were kind in their demeanor. While I completely understand the desire to communicate directly, I think you may develop a better relationship with subordinates by using the tone he requests. If he then does not get it to you by deadline (which he didnt), then you can sit down with him and kindly say, I need you to communicate better with me about when you can get the report done, etc. The discussion should short and sweet and to the point.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this will help but I find that I prefer when a manager's style is working with me, rather than 'at' me. So, 'What is the status of the report?" "What do you have left to do?" "What do you need from me?" "Will the report be done by x date?"

[Anonymous]

Your subordinate sounds bat$hit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

But isn't that your job as his manager? You give him tasks, he does them. As long as you're speaking in a matter-of-fact normal voice, I don't see what his problem is. He's obviously just not used to working for a woman. Is he much older than you? Or a just-out-of-college kid? Either way, he needs to be educated on workplace norms. Women actually can be managers now -- it's 2016.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the subordinate bring it up with you directly? Or your boss or HR? That sets the stage on how I would handle it going forward.

He brought it up with me directly, which I appreciate.

[Anonymous]

I would argue his uncomfortableness is not your problem. Are you his direct manager?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he report to you or is he just lower down on the totem pole?

He's a direct report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

But isn't that your job as his manager? You give him tasks, he does them. As long as you're speaking in a matter-of-fact normal voice, I don't see what his problem is. He's obviously just not used to working for a woman. Is he much older than you? Or a just-out-of-college kid? Either way, he needs to be educated on workplace norms. Women actually can be managers now -- it's 2016.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is he young? I personally can't imagine ever saying something like that to my manager, but I'm in my 40's, so maybe I'm out of touch?

[Anonymous]

Special snowflake coddled by his mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been called out by a subordinate with my tone. He didn't like the way I seemed hostile and "sounded like I was telling [him] what to do." He noted that my hostility was not in my words or my volume but rather my tone. It boiled down to him not liking the fact that I used an imperative sentence on an already late deliverable ("Please send me the report."), and he'd prefer me to ask a question (" Did you have time to look at the report?" with the implication that he will send it to me). I prefer a more direct way or communicating.

Based on past experiences, I don't think he would ask a male supervisor to change his"tone". Are we just a bad fit? What do you suggest?

But isn't that your job as his manager? You give him tasks, he does them. As long as you're speaking in a matter-of-fact normal voice, I don't see what his problem is. He's obviously just not used to working for a woman. Is he much older than you? Or a just-out-of-college kid? Either way, he needs to be educated on workplace norms. Women actually can be managers now -- it's 2016.

+1

+100

And yes, my blood is boiling too just from reading your post.