Am I selfish to ask my ex wife to relocate so I can be close to my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

+1. Only seing uour kid 2 weekends out of the month is lame and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

I originally wanted joint custody, but her lawyer told her either she wouldn't get child support or would have pay me if we did this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

I originally wanted joint custody, but her lawyer told her either she wouldn't get child support or would have pay me if we did this arrangement.

This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

I mean, all you can do is ask, right? But if you ask, you have to listen to the answer.

I'm sort of in PP's boat but we're not divorced yet. I agreed to move when my STBX was offered a job in a much more laid back community and where the COL was so much less than DC. I telework so it didn't really matter to me where I lived, but it does matter to me that our daughter see her dad as much as possible. So I moved, and I actually like it here, so it worked out for everyone. But I was completely on board and for my own reasons wanted to move, which is a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is selfish.

And you are right to be concerned. My dad moved cross country when I was 13 and it was a major, negative impact on our relationship both then and continuing into my 30's.

OP here, my dad did the same thing and my siblings and I were all affected by this even to this day. That's why I don't want to make the same mistake with my daughter.

How old is your daughter? Can you wait until she's in college, or is that too far away?

I'm a single mom, and I moved with my kid to DC and his dad stayed in our original state. It's not ideal, but my ex was abusive and I had no support network in the other state. My network in DC, while small, is far better than before I moved. It was also economically necessary since I received a job offer here after grad school that I couldn't replicate where we were living (my ex also pays little support, so we were on SNAP and Medicaid).

The distance is difficult for my son, but his dad really goes the distance and keeps up a nearly impossible visitation schedule, and has for years. If you would be willing to keep up and afford twice a month in the DC area, I think your relationship with your kid would be fine.

Asking the mom to move though is unrealistic - like others have said she also needs work, and a support network. Your daughter will need to change schools and make all new friends. People and families move, so she would probably be fine if it worked out. If the move is hard on mom though, and puts her under financial strain pushing it could also strain your relationship with your daughter. It really sounds like you didn't think this all the way through.

And, get more parenting time regardless. In my old state my sons spent one night/week at his dad's, plus every other weekend. I think that's fairly standard.

[Anonymous]

PP, my daughter is 6.

[Anonymous]

You are very selfish for moving away from your child. Asking her to move is a more extreme level of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and you are clueless that you dont seem to realize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, my daughter is 6.

Don't underestimate the impact of a big move on a young child. FL is very different from the DMV. If mom and step-dad are also stressed because they are job-seeking, the move will be extra-traumatic for her.

[Anonymous]

Well your choice seems pretty clear to me. Stay here and see her as much as possible. The dream of living in Florida ain't for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

I originally wanted joint custody, but her lawyer told her either she wouldn't get child support or would have pay me if we did this arrangement.

Basically, you can come to any agreement you want to if the two of you agree. No judge would turn down joint custody and child support to her if it's what you two agreed. Also there are a million variations between joint custody and only seeing your kid 2 wknds a month.

Bottom line - it is selfish for you to expect your ex-wife and daughter to rearrange the other 26 days a month you're not around to suit your aspirations. You can move to FL when your child graduates HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, my daughter is 6.

Then make it a retirement dream, and save what you can so you can buy your dream retirement/second career home.

6 isn't too old to make the transition, but if mom isn't on board, it's not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

I originally wanted joint custody, but her lawyer told her either she wouldn't get child support or would have pay me if we did this arrangement.

This makes no sense. Child support goes by income and time share. If you give her full custody with little time share, then yes, you pay a higher child support. One has to assume she makes more money than you if she'd have to pay child support.

You have these options (and yes, you are selfish for asking):

1) stay
2) go and pay for plane tickets for you/your child full cost as you are the one who choose to move away.

If you expect her to move, you need to pay for all moving costs, any losses if she owns/sells her house or to get out of her lease and all living expenses/income replacement until she gets a job and if she gets a lower paying job, the difference to cover that expense as well as if you are going to a higher cost of living area, then pay the difference in the housing costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, my daughter is 6.

Don't underestimate the impact of a big move on a young child. FL is very different from the DMV. If mom and step-dad are also stressed because they are job-seeking, the move will be extra-traumatic for her.

There's no step-dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the DC area my whole life. I've been applying for out of state jobs and I got a job offer in Florida. I've always wanted to move to Florida so it would be the perfect opportunity. The only problem is my ex wife has full custody of our daughter (I get every other weekend with her). I don't want to be one of those dads that only sees his kid a few times a year like my dad was. I talked to my ex and asked her if she would consider moving and she told me hell no. Then said I was being selfish for ruining our family and then asking her to follow me so I can live my dream. It's not about her, it's about our daughter, but she doesn't want to see it that way. Do you think this is a selfish request?

What kind of visitation is every other weekend? You only see her two times a month?! How did that happen?

I originally wanted joint custody, but her lawyer told her either she wouldn't get child support or would have pay me if we did this arrangement.

This makes no sense. Child support goes by income and time share. If you give her full custody with little time share, then yes, you pay a higher child support. One has to assume she makes more money than you if she'd have to pay child support.

You have these options (and yes, you are selfish for asking):

1) stay
2) go and pay for plane tickets for you/your child full cost as you are the one who choose to move away.

If you expect her to move, you need to pay for all moving costs, any losses if she owns/sells her house or to get out of her lease and all living expenses/income replacement until she gets a job and if she gets a lower paying job, the difference to cover that expense as well as if you are going to a higher cost of living area, then pay the difference in the housing costs.

She makes about 20k more than I do.